Sept. 8, 8:50 P.M.: Officer Little was dispatched to the 3200 block of East Colonial Drive in reference to a stolen vehicle. The officer met with our 41-year-old victim, who stated that just after 8 p.m. he walked to the back of the Circuit City where he'd parked his black 2003 Kawasaki Ninja. It was at this point the victim "was attacked by an unknown number of subjects," reports state. The victim took cover on the ground — coughing up his keys in the process — and wrapped up his head while the suspects "struck him in his head, on the left side of his rib cage and on his left knee." The perps fled the scene without asking for anything.

As the man lay beaten 25 feet from his motorcycle, he heard someone start it up and drive away. The victim, upset about his $10,000 motorcycle getting jacked, walked all the way to the Fashion Square Mall before finally calling for help. "`The victim` stated that it was a stupid choice. He was just trying to be tough," reports state.

The investigation got weird when the victim told police the New Jersey license plate number. "At this time, Teletype revealed that there is no record found out of New Jersey `that` references that license plate." (Cops still use Teletypes? — Ed.) This is when police began questioning the verisimilitude of the victim's story.

The victim was unable to tell the officer the number of suspects involved or give any descriptions. Also, his injuries did not match the way he described the attack: "It should be noted that the front of `the victim's` T-shirt was ripped and he had two small scratches on his chest, a very small abrasion that was not bleeding on his left knee and no marks of any kind on his head, face or left side of his body where he claims to have been struck."

Peculiar. Those injuries are more indicative of a low-speed lay-down than a beatdown. "It should also be noted that at the time of this report `the victim` was highly intoxicated," reports state. Did our victim dump his bike in a drunken stupor and then call police as part of an elaborate scheme? Perhaps. Most would go to great lengths rather than admit to having dumped their bike like a noob.

Sept. 9, 12:44 P.M.: The hotter it gets, the more hardened our criminals become. A 35-year-old man was at the Rosemont Community Center on the 4800 block of Rose Bay Drive, playing with his daughters in the pool and playground area, when a stranger pointed a gun at one of the man's daughters, then at the man himself, and ordered him to "throw `his` chain," reports state.

The victim removed his 36-inch, yellow-and-white gold necklace with a 3-inch gold charm (valued at $900) and tossed it at the guy with the gun, reports state. The suspect caught the chain and fled the area. The victim took his daughters to his vehicle and drove to a local convenience store to call police. Officer Thomas was dispatched to investigate, to no avail. The victim desires prosecution and can identify the perp.

Police described the suspect as a black man, approximately 5 feet, 6 inches tall, approximately 18 years old with a dark-to-medium complexion and dreadlocks, wearing a camouflage shirt and black shorts.

Sept. 10, 1:20 P.M.: Officer Turner was dispatched to the 4600 block of Rose Coral Drive in reference to a commercial burglary and met with a 44-year-old complainant/maintenance supervisor. It appears some time between 9 a.m. Sept. 4 and 9 a.m. Sept. 5, suspect(s) unknown broke the lock — causing an estimated $100 in damage to the shed door — and gained access to the apartment complex's storage shed. What did the perp(s) pilfer? "Missing from inside were three five-gallon jugs of paint valued at $80 each," reports state. Where do you hock shit like that?

Sept. 11, 11:55 P.M.: It appears the unknown suspect(s) in this next case were preparing for a terrorist attack … but not in the way one might think.

Officers McNichols and Mount were on foot patrol on the 1100 block of South Parramore Avenue when they happened upon a suspicious black plastic bag resting against the side of an apartment building. What else is there to do with a suspicious bag but to investigate? According to Officer McNichols' report, "Upon looking in the bag, I observed a large amount of green leafy substance, some of which was pre-packaged for sale."

Officer Gately joined the investigation with the other officers and happened upon "a Kel-Tec P40 firearm … hidden in some weeds," reports state. The firearm had one round chambered and eight rounds in the clip, and appeared to be in good working condition. They continued searching the area and found a clear plastic baggie containing seven green pills suspected of being Ecstasy; another baggie with the same substance, but crushed; and several pieces of crack cocaine.

Total inventory: 78.6 grams of cannabis valued at $400, Kel-Tec P40 pistol valued at $200, seven pills of Ecstasy valued at $140 and one gram of crack cocaine valued at $100, for a grand total of $840. Did the unknown suspect(s) think since there wasn't a terrorist attack to mark the five-year anniversary of Sept. 11 they should dump all their party and protection supplies, thus turning over a new leaf? The police report does not reflect, but probably not.

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