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Oct. 21, 1:39 A.M.: Officer Little was dispatched to the 300 block of North Ivey Lane to look into an alarm at a restaurant. After inspecting the premises, Little found the rear door to the place cracked open; he couldn't investigate further because he was separated from the door by a 6-foot-tall chain-link fence topped with barbed wire.

The officer met with the 62-year-old owner/victim, who relayed that he'd been notified by Orlando Police Department of a burglary at his business. He noted the partially opened rear door and assured the officer that it wasn't supposed to look like that. They looked inside and found an exhaust fan had been knocked to the floor. The owner also noticed rolls of coins spilled around the cash register and the rear door. The perp(s) could not get out through the back door and must have spilled some coins in the struggle. "It was observed that the back door to the business was locked with three separate padlocks and was partially cracked open as if someone had attempted to leave through that door, but was unsuccessful," reports state.

Little went to the roof to investigate further and found more rolled coins scattered around a broken exhaust fan; some of the coins spilled back down the vent. According to the report, the perp(s) must have wiggled their way down the exhaust-fan pipe, snatched about $150 worth of rolled coins, tried to escape via the back door, then had to waggle their way back up the pipe to get out. Total damage to the exhaust system: $1,000.

Oct. 21, 4:34 P.M.: Sometimes it's better to come home from work late than early. Our 26-year-old victim was talking on her cellular phone when she entered her apartment in the 1400 block of Mercy Drive, on the second floor, and heard a racket from the back bedroom. Thinking nothing of it, she called out for her nephew. When no one answered, she headed to the bedroom to see what was up. She saw an unfamiliar shadow and left the apartment in fear of her safety.

As she reached the bottom of the stairs she heard her neighbor cry out in pain. When she asked the 10-year-old witness what happened, she relayed that "someone had jumped from the second-story window and landed on her leg," Officer Ray's report states. The suspect was described as "a black male, mid-30's, wearing a white tank top." The perp didn't make off with anything, but caused approximately $100 in damage to the kicked-in door and $100 in damage to the window. Officer Livesey responded to the scene to collect evidence and achieved "positive results."

Oct. 23, 7:17 A.M.: It appears that homeless people are now trying to hydrate themselves. Imagine. Officers Barrett and Carty were dispatched to the 200 block of East Ridgewood Street in reference to a commercial breaking and entering. Twenty-four-year-old complainant No. 1 and 51-year-old complainant No. 2 both submitted sworn statements to the officers. It appears that some time between 3 p.m. Oct. 22, when the business closed, and 6:36 a.m. Oct. 23, when employees arrived to open, suspect(s) unknown broke a pane out of the bottom right window on the east side of the building. Estimated damage to the window is $35.

The officers conducted a walk-through to check for suspects inside the business, to no avail. Once the scene was secured, the officers and complainants entered the building and checked for missing property. Complainant No. 1 "noticed a case of Kirkland water bottles was missing from the east side wall by the broken window. The approximate value of the water was $5," reports state. The owner was contacted and he told the officers that "the business had had problems with transients in the area." Latents were attempted with negative results.

Sheesh, what next? Stealing food?

Oct. 23, 4:42 P.M.: Around 10 p.m. Oct. 23, in the 1900 block of Rock Lake Drive, a 54-year-old victim went to bed. His wife stayed up later, but ended up falling asleep on the couch. About 4 a.m., the wife heard a noise coming from the kitchen and saw the light on, but thought nothing of it because she figured it was her husband.

Later that morning, when our victim was getting ready for work, he found that his $100 cellular phone, $27 in cash, debit card, drivers license and credit card (valued at $1 per item) were missing from the dining room table. Ever punctual, the man left and went to work anyway; his wife discovered not long after he left that her $150 watch was also missing. She investigated the scene and "discovered that the rear door to the garage, which had been nailed shut, had been pulled down and was lying on the grass," reports state.

When the victim came home from work, he nailed the door shut again and notified police of what happened. Officer Williams arrived on the scene to investigate, but his attempt at retrieving latent fingerprints was met with negative results.

We commend your work ethic, but next time try not to contaminate the scene.

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