NOV. 3, 3:30 P.M.: A man of about 25 strode into a rather ritzy department store in the 4100 block of Conroy Road to wrap up some Christmas shopping. He headed straight to the jewelry counter, handed the representative a credit card and asked for the watch he'd put on hold the previous day. Then some sleight of hand was employed.

After retrieving the $2,845 Philip Stein timepiece with an alligator strap and diamond bezel, the sales dude realized the name on the credit card belonged to a female — how fishy. He turned around to tell our big spender the woman would have to be present with ID in hand to complete the transaction, whereupon the man replied, "Hold this (i.e. the watch with the box) and I will go get her," the report states.

Of course, he never came back. And guess what? That killer timepiece was no longer in its box when the employee got around to opening it. D'oh!

NOV. 6, 8 P.M.: The scene: an apartment complex laundry room in the 1730 block of Mercy Drive. Amidst the hypnotic hum of Maytags in motion, an unknown suspect or suspects got to work smashing the room's window and creeping within. No, they had not come to wash mounds of funky socks; they wanted the change in the laundry machines. Using an "unknown instrument," the reports states, coin boxes on two washers were pried open and approximately $375 worth of coins were extracted.

An officer later obtained fingerprints from both the window and the coin boxes (oh, unschooled suspect(s)!) and learned that a neighboring apartment complex laundromat had also been ransacked. "The reporter stated there was also found outside the laundry room a piece of paper with a small amount of blood on it," the officer writes. A nasty paper cut earned for such naughty doings, perhaps? No. Just the remains of the bloody mess created while attempting to collect change with that trusty "unknown instrument."

Too bad a maintenance crew chucked the evidence.

NOV. 10, 11 P.M.: Some people are downright wasteful. Yet another unidentified burglar or burglars struck, this time at an elementary school in the 1500 block of Falcon Drive. Classroom No. 25 was the break-in zone, though the end result proved fruitless. Calculators, pricey textbooks and maybe even an aquarium housing the classroom's mouse mascot remained untouched by the delinquent(s). In fact, diddlysquat appeared to be taken from the room, but $82 worth of screening was pried off windows and left scattered on the ground. On the way out, school courtyard benches were "thrown over" in Hulk Hogan fashion, the report adds, "along with potted plants."

Could this have been the dirty work of a bitter ex-student, peeved by Ms. Reed's harsh grading in that second-grade spelling quiz? We may never know.

NOV. 13, 8:42 P.M.: A man was driving past the backside of an auto repair shop in the 300 block of South Orange Blossom Trail when he noticed a woman, 28, sitting on the floor and shaking. Logically, he pulled over and asked her if she was OK, whereupon she related a terrible tale.

The lady was sitting behind the business, minding her own beeswax, when a 6-foot-4-inch, 250-pound man came pedaling by on a navy-blue bicycle. The 40-year-old cyclist, sporting a black T-shirt, black jeans, a red beanie cap and a mouthful of gold teeth, said not a peep but proceeded to punch the victim right in the friggin' fun bags. Then he took $50 from her pocket and pedaled back off into the night like an absolute gentleman.

What's worse than being punched in the tits by a man who's just emptied your pockets? Being taken into custody when officers arrive due to a couple writs of attachment. Yikes, what a night, lady.

NOV. 13, 9:58 P.M.: Our week concludes with a rather popular burglary item amongst O-Town's filthiest: cancer sticks. But the outcome is anything but typical.

A group of employees were putting out their own cigarette butts, likely before returning from break, at a local tobacco wholesaler in the 2700 block of Hansrob Road, when one noticed a strange man in the receiving bay area bent over some boxes. Before anyone had time to question the intruder's intentions, he'd snagged $2,500 worth of smokes and headed for the door. At this point, most onlookers might have called in the cops to finish the job, but not these brave employees. A speedy chase ensued when one of them sped after the suspect, yelling at him to stop. He pursued the nicotine-nicking perp all the way to Silver Star Road, until the burned-out burglar dropped the two cases of lung treats and disappeared.

You failed miserably, cancer man. Although heisting smokes from a wholesaler is much more lucrative a plan than pocketing a pack or two from the nearest Sunoco.

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