;FEB. 7, 1:47 P.M.: A popular cell phone store in the 2500 block of West Colonial Drive was raided tonight by an unknown person or persons. After craftily slicing the lock off a roll-up side door, the suspect(s) slipped inside, but not with plans to pocket an undetermined amount of Nokias, headsets and car chargers. Oh, no.
;;Instead, the perp or perps decided they'd pay a trip to the potty room. The bathroom door crashed onto the floor as the suspect(s) practically scissor-kicked it open, removing from beside the porcelain throne "a Craftsman drill valued at $100, a Milwaukee drill bit set valued at $60 and a Makita power saw valued at $150," police reports state. Let's hope said burglar planned on using those tools to repair the now quite mucked-up door and lock, which reports add will cost approximately $210 to fix.
;;;FEB. 9, 8:13 P.M.: On this placid eve, a 50-year-old daddy and his son, 17, decided to stroll past pop's highway equipment shop in the 1000 block of West Church Street just to ensure all was peachy. It wasn't.
;;That very instant they spotted a 6-foot-tall man clutching a cinder block, then smashing it into the store's ;glass side doors. Apparently, he'd come to purloin one very particular automotive accessory that could not wait until daybreak: a Subaru EX13 engine, valued at $300. Because he wasn't an AAA member, perhaps, our poor stranded soul likely needed the little engine ASAP to get his wheels rolling once again. But the perp dropped the prized piece of machinery moments after daddy and laddy decided to sprint after him. The lucky bastard escaped this time.
;;;FEB. 10, 5:30 A.M.: Need proof that Orlando can be a strange, strange town? Check this:
;;A 24-year-old man, quite plainly and simply, passed out on a sofa somewhere on South Kirkman Road; police reports do not give an exact location. He was, according to reports, shit-faced drunk. Neither the warm, invigorating rays of morning sunshine nor the sweet song of early-rising sparrows woke this dormant drunkard, however. What prompted our napper to peel open his peepers was the ticklish sensation of a 40-year-old male stranger licking his love muscle. Someone's fantasy came true, and someone else had to call the cops. That's the way life is.
;;;FEB. 10, 11:50 P.M.: A 54-year-old man left a community center in the 1700 block of Bruton Boulevard and walked toward his car. All was cool until a midnight mob of six teenage hellions — approximately 16 years of age each — approached. In one swift moment, the adolescents managed to body-slam the victim to the parking-lot floor and pry a set of keys, which fit to a champagne-hued 1994 Infiniti J30, from his palm. The malefactors then hopped inside the four-door model and sped off into blackness. The victim also lost a brown wallet equipped with check card and drivers license.
;;The good news? Officer Middleton recovered the sweet ride just hours later on Edgemoor Street, where he observed "the inside of the vehicle which appeared to be undisturbed," and "the outside of the vehicle also appeared to be in good condition with no recent damage." In fact, they didn't even touch the wallet. This suggests that the goof troop had no use for material goods, but instead just wanted to sharpen their driving skills.
;;;FEB. 13, 2:57 P.M.: A downtown man, 54, spent the afternoon sitting in a fenced-in area located near the 50 block of West Pine Street. While he sat, by golly, an unknown man appeared and suddenly whacked him in the back of the melon with a mysterious object. A monkey wrench? Tennis shoe? This is undetermined.
;; Maybe that's because the whackee was flat-out wasted when it happened and just can't remember. Upon awakening close to an hour later and realizing he'd been robbed of a wallet and $320 in cash, police reports state, the bruised fellow "stumbled over" to the 30 block of West Pine Street, found a phone and dialed 911 for help. The man, who reports add "appeared to be intoxicated and did not have any visible injuries," was transported to the Orlando Regional Medical Center shortly after but could not write a sworn written statement due to the fact that he was pissed. Bummer.
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