SEPT. 24, 11:28 P.M.: This is the tale of one man’s trip to a convenience store gone freakishly wrong.

Our 48-year-old victim didn’t even make it inside the store in the 1200 block of South Orange Blossom Trail. What halted him: a whack to the back with something resembling either a “bat or stick,” police reports state. He turned around, as one might, and caught another blow in the belly. “Hold up, cracker,” a trio of bat-wielding assailants spat, reports add. They craved cash, although the $37 our victim relinquished apparently wasn’t enough. Before splitting, the suspects commanded the man to lift his shirt. Then, they socked him in the stomach once more and splashed him with an “unknown liquid from a cup,” reports state.

The doused and battered victim ran indoors and asked a clerk to call the police. He waited outside for 15 minutes, then asked the same clerk if he’d made the call yet. The clerk “did not say anything to him but reached over the counter and grabbed” the man by the neck, supposedly “pulling him over the counter” police reports state.

The clerk’s side of the story differs, of course. His synopsis depicts a man who not only refused to provide details for dispatch, but cussed like a sailor, too. A shitty evening either way.

SEPT. 26, 10:23 A.M.: Some 12 year olds like to bring their iPods to school. Others like to bring steak knives.

A boy, 13, couldn’t focus in his afternoon science class at a school in the 6000 block of Stonewall Jackson Road due to one snotty student dying to swipe his bracelet. “No, because my father gave it to me for a present,” the victim blurted in defense, police reports state. But instead of respecting his peer and leaving him the hell alone, this boy made a threat. He planned on showing him the knife nestled in his pocket as soon as the bell rang.

Except he never got the chance. Our bangle-wearing teen ran straight to a bus driver and spilled the beans. The following morning, school administration found a set of steak knives with 3-inch blades inside the ne’er-do-well’s front pockets. What did his mama have to say? The boy is bipolar, has asthma and his pappy lives in prison, so he “has been getting into more and more trouble,” reports add.

Clearly a daddy’s boy.

OCT. 1, 7:08 A.M.: Let us take a break from such violence and focus on a slightly less malevolent occurrence: shoe theft.

The suspect or suspects in this case, possessing an obvious knack for fashion, flung a hammer into the front window of a clothing/shoe store in the 5400 block of Touchstone Drive, shattering the glass. And so the spree began, as our suspect(s) frenziedly toted tennies, pumps and sandals, perhaps, along with the hottest fall fashions.

When officers arrived, they found “a mannequin, various shoes and shoe boxes” scattered along the sidewalk, also noting “the front door was held open approximately five inches by a pile of clothing,” police reports state.

Very unfashionable.

OCT. 1, 10:06 A.M.: Although no cutting utensils were involved, another school burglary took place in the 4500 block of Columbia Street just days after the incident noted above.

No surprise here – the target was a portable. The suspect or suspects had no luck in prying open its south-side door with what could have been a crowbar, police reports state, and resorted to smashing a window. What goodies lay in store, you wonder? First, an $80 Game Boy hidden inside the sixth-grade dean’s desk drawer made the cut. Both a blue and a black cell phone, worth $100 together, also vanished. A sweet treat was also heisted before the suspect(s) fled the scene: several thirst-quenching Gatorade juices and some Hershey’s chocolate candy, found in the secretary’s desk. Crime knows no boundaries in O-Town.

OCT. 1, 10:21 A.M.: A 42-year-old man made a frightening discovery today at the seafood business he works at in the 1800 block of Tallokas Avenue: one of the outdoor cooler’s locks had disappeared; and so had a fabulous assortment of frozen meat stored within.

Upon opening the cooler, the man noted the lack of 200 pounds of Kobe beef, 175 pounds of domestic lamb, 15 pounds of duck, 20 pounds of veal, 10 pounds of ham, 10 pounds of smoked chicken and 25 pounds of karabuta pork, police reports state. It is suspected that the perp(s) hauled all above-mentioned meats to the rear of the business, where a cut fence leads to deserted alley. Some stranger(s) carting close to 500 pounds of thawing meats didn’t look suspicious or anything ….

The gargantuan amount of chow – practically enough to feed the entire Republic of Rwanda – was worth approximately $5,000, police reports state.

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