JAN. 17, 9:53 A.M.:
This we get: Under-construction homes are easy targets for thieves. They’re generally unprotected, and have lots of appliance-type things lying about, ripe for the taking. And sometimes, as this Robin Road home site did, the construction crew leaves not-very-concealed spare keys in electrical outlets. Thus, we weren’t terribly surprised to read of a break-in in which a microwave, a decorative trim kit for the microwave, a warming drawer and a dishwasher – total value $3,000 – were taken. But it seems the means of entry are something of a mystery.

“The point of entry/exit is unknown due to no damage to any doors or windows or signs of forced entry,” Officer Everett reports. The spare key “was still there this morning.”

Maybe the bad guy put it back. Just a thought.

JAN. 17, 4:46 P.M.:
Another week, another cabbie gets jacked. This week’s victim drove our unknown suspect from an apartment complex to the intersection of Parramore Avenue and Conley Street. Rather than pay, the victim “placed an unknown object to the head of the driver and demanded his money,” according to the police report. The suspect took off on foot, but not before taking the driver’s SIM card from his cell phone.  

JAN. 19, 8:31 P.M.:
Another week, another pizza delivery guy gets jacked. This week’s victim had just delivered dinner to a North Lane apartment complex – for which he received $21 – and was walking back to his car when our suspect ran up to him and pointed a gun at his chest. The suspect demanded the $21 in the victim’s hand, then reached into the victim’s pocket and took $20 more. The suspect, described as having gold teeth and scruffy facial hair, fled on foot.


JAN. 20, 8:51 A.M.:
Another week, another church gets jacked. Well, sort of. A Methodist church on South Kirkman Road fell victim this time. Some heathen scum (or punk kids) smashed five church office-building windows between Jan. 18 and Jan. 20, gained entry and ransacked two of the offices, according to police reports. But luckily, nothing was stolen. This time, anyway.

JAN. 21, 11:18 A.M.:
The very next evening, however, the same heathen scum/punk kids (we can only presume) returned to the very same church and broke into a shed out back, wherein they grabbed two weed wackers and a pressure washer.

As a side note, the church’s pastor’s first and last names are the same.

JAN. 22, 11:45 A.M.:
Four dudes with pantyhose on their faces – manly men, no doubt – broke into a Mercado Avenue house, guns drawn, looking for drugs and money. Instead, they found an infant child, which can be neither spent nor smoked in a crack pipe.

Anyway, these guys gained entry through an unlocked door, which brings us to this week’s Police Beat Tip o’ the Week: If you have an infant, don’t have (or let thugs think you have) drugs and money in your house. And if you must have both an infant and drugs and money, at least keep your door locked.

JAN. 23, 8:27 A.M.:
Police Beat Tip o’ the Week, part two: If you care about your offspring, do not let them hang out with THIS 10-year-old boy. And if you are the parent of said sperm vermin, you may want to consider some psychological counseling.

Our delinquent was arrested for carrying a knife on a school bus and “causing a disturbance,” whatever that means. Fortunately, no one was hurt. But then we find out that the kid had previously been suspended for bringing a toy gun to school. In fairness, this humble column did the same thing in our elementary school days, only that was pre-Columbine so nobody gave a shit. But then we hear the day before this incident, “students notified a teacher that this student (arrestee) made a list of name of kids he did not like.”

We make no claim on knowing how the minds of the youngins work, but this does not sound to us like a recipe for a well-adjusted adolescence.


JAN. 23, 3:13 P.M.:
Sometime between Jan. 21 and Jan. 23, someone gained access to our victim’s Summerlin Avenue garage and screened-in porch, and took a “television, DVD player, bicycle, two bottles of liquor, wagon” – Radio Flyer or station? – “golf bag, golf clubs and pool vacuum,” Officer Cowell tells us.

Money quote: “It is unknown if the victim was at home at the time of the burglary.”

Let’s ponder that for a second. You would think that if someone was rummaging through your shit, taking enough time and making the requisite noise that goes along with pilfering a TV, DVD player, bicycle, booze, wagon, golf bag, golf clubs and pool vacuum, you might notice. We’d like to think we would, but we take too many Ambien holidays.

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