Jan. 25

(2008-36900) 7:48 a.m.: Someone broke into an Orange County government building on South Street and stole portable CD players. As it turns out, taxpayers got off easy. “The three-story building chock full of electronics and copper wire does not have an alarm system and is being remodeled,” Officer Linnenkamp writes.

(2008-37740) 6:12 p.m.: Cracky goodness! An informant bought rock from two dealers, both of whom fled when the fuzz showed up. Officers Ochiuzzo and Cute – awww – tracked them down.

Jan. 26

(2008-38404) 1:47 a.m.: A guy calls the cops to report an attempted armed robbery. He and his cousin were outside an apartment on Raleigh Street when a man approached them and demanded money. They refused. The bad guy whipped out a handgun and repeated his request. “When `victim` refused, `suspect` fired one shot into the air, ran around in a circle, and fired another shot into the air” before getting into a car and leaving, Officer Lovett writes. The cops tracked the suspect down. The suspect told them that the victim had welshed on a $500 poker debt, and he was just trying to get his money back.

Here the police report gets indecipherable: “It should be noted that the suspect advised that `the victim` was able to take his firearm after the robbery. During the interview, `the suspect` stated that at no time did `the victim` approach the passenger side of the vehicle. `Victim` returning `suspect’s` firearm to his vehicle and placing under the passenger seat, exclude all reasonable theories of action which could have occurred during this incident.”

(2008-38578) 5:58 a.m.: OPD has something called the “Joint Anti-Crime Task Force,” which arrested a 25-year-old woman for crack possession this morning. Here’s some wonderful copspeak, courtesy of Officer Krafft: “I asked `suspect` if she had any ‘stems’ or ‘crack.’ These are common street terms for `pipes used for` smoking crack cocaine and crack cocaine respectively. I asked the arrestee what she was hiding in her jacket and she showed us a brown bottle that was approximately three-quarters full with liquid. It had the odor of alcoholic impurities and was labeled ‘Budweiser.’” She also had crack, so she went to jail.

(2008-38684) 9:10 a.m.: Model homes make attractive targets, because no one’s there and developers equip them with all sorts of niceties to attract buyers, who by now are all stuck in adjustable-rate mortgages and couldn’t get financing for a cardboard box under a bridge. The bad guys made off with a refrigerator, a dishwasher and a microwave.

(2008-38785) 10:53 a.m.: Thieves pulled some James Bond shit on Silver Star Road and took a blowtorch to a business’ metal roll-up door. They made off with eight plasma televisions and two projectors.

Jan. 27

(2008-39730) 4:50 a.m.: If a cop is arresting you and you push his arm and kick the doors of his squad car, that’s called “resisting arrest with violence.”

(2008-40082) 9:04 a.m.: If you’re going to go to the trouble of jumping a barbed-wire fence, please try to steal something more interesting than the hood of a car. I’ve got a column to write.

(2008-40633) 8:08 p.m.: Our suspect lurked inside a mechanic’s shop on West Anderson Street, waiting for said mechanic to turn away from a 2000 Dodge Durango. When he went to fetch a screwdriver, the female suspect – described as having a “chubby face” – jumped in the car, gunned the ignition and hauled ass. The cops caught her a little while later.

(2008-40253) 12:54 p.m.: Police Beat Tip o’ the Week: Driving around with 164 grams of blow in your car is not a good idea. Neither is trying to gyp your prospective customers: Our suspect – who tried to flee the scene before rendezvousing with Mr. Taser – had four sandwich bags of white powder in his car. “The white powdery substance in three of the sandwich bags `tested` presumptively positive for cocaine,” Officer Bowlin reports. “The white powdery substance in the fourth plastic sandwich bag `tested` negative for cocaine and is an unknown substance.”

Dude, cutting the white lady with baking soda is not cool.

[email protected]


Since 1990, Orlando Weekly has served as the free, independent voice of Orlando, and we want to keep it that way.

Becoming an Orlando Weekly Supporter for as little as $5 a month allows us to continue offering readers access to our coverage of local news, food, nightlife, events, and culture with no paywalls.

Join today because you love us, too.

Scroll to read more Orlando Area News articles

Join Orlando Weekly Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.