(2008-??????) ???:
Another week, another screwed-up police report. At least give me a case number or something, guys. Pretty please?

Anyway, I didn’t get the memo that this is Beat Up Your Local Cop Week, but this week’s police reports seem to be all about pounding on the Man. Here’s incident No. 1, from Officer Schellhorn: “On the listed date and time” – neither one is listed – “the arrestee battered this officer by rolling up his window on my left arm.”

(2008-146975) 7 a.m.:
A Police Beat first: granite theft. Someone broke into a granite supply store on West Colonial Drive and “removed three granite/marble floor medallions that were sitting just inside of the front door,” which the suspect had broken to gain access. Each weighed about 100 pounds and was worth $3,500. Better bolt those down in the future.

(2008-147031) 8:04 a.m.: Battery on a cop, No. 2: A man “shoved Officer Kelly in the chest with an open hand,” Officer Kelly reports in the third person, which is creepy.

(2008-147654) 5:03 p.m.: Officer Kelly is having a shitty day. While responding to a domestic violence call, another guy pushed him in the chest. And that makes battery on a cop incident No. 3.

(2008-148435) 3:02 a.m.:
Battery on a cop, No. 4: Officer Gregg got totally OWNED by some thug’s MOM! He heard shots fired inside an apartment on West Jackson Street and tried to chase down the suspected shooter. But alas: “When I attempted to pursue one of the suspects, the suspect’s mother grabbed me and hindered me from chasing after her son.” He arrested mom as a consolation prize.

(2008-148586) 6:33 a.m.: A bad guy smashed a liquor store’s glass front door with a brick and removed eight bottles of Hennessy. Classy.

(2008-149693) 11:27 p.m.: Battery on a cop, No. 5: Officer Englehardt was scoping out a home invasion when the suspect “attempted to compromise the crime scene.” The suspect battered him – he doesn’t say how – and Englehardt introduced him to Mr. Taser.

(2008-149822) 12:50 a.m.:
Battery on a cop, No. 6: Christ on a cracker, another one! Officer Andrews was battered by a 21-year-old on West Central Boulevard and arrested him.

(2008-151481) 11:21 a.m.:
This week’s copper-wiring theft is brought to you by an “unknown business” – that’s how it’s listed in the cop docs – on Old Winter Garden Road.

(2008-151791) 4:14 p.m.: If I lived in a certain Metrowest condo complex I might be a little worried. Someone broke into the complex’s office and “removed a building key to one of the apartments from a locked key safe,” according to Officer Campbell.

(2008-151804) 4:27 p.m.: Our victim was standing in line at a 7-Eleven when a man snatched money out of her hand, ran to the parking lot and drove off in a Saturn that had been reported stolen the day before.

(2008-151982) 6:50 p.m.: Police Beat Dipshit o’ the Week: A suspect broke into an Amelia Street home to steal a plasma TV, but couldn’t figure out how to move it more than a couple of feet, so he took off with nothing. Perhaps more planning is in order.

(2008-152290) 11:30 p.m.: This is a little sadistic. A 17-year-old was walking down Raleigh Street when three guys sneaked up behind him, knocked him to the ground with a baseball bat, pointed a shotgun at his face, jacked his wallet and split.

If you have a shotgun, you win. Is there really a need to clock the dude with a Louisville Slugger too?

(2008-153060) 1:15 p.m.:
Battery on a cop, No. 7: Well, sorta. This one is a mall cop, which doesn’t really count because who gives a rat’s ass about mall cops anyway?

I guess it’s still not nice to push them to the floor, even if they try to stop you when you’re walking out of a department store with a bunch of clothes stuffed in a backpack.

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