April 19

(2008-169552) 2:15 a.m.: Officer Dunlap was working the downtown bar scene when a man punched him in the face.

(2008-169720) 5:44 a.m.: Rule No. 1: If it’s 5 a.m. and two strangers want a ride, don’t give it to them. Rule No. 2: If you disobey rule No. 1, it is nonetheless still not a good idea to let your passengers drive you into the middle of nowhere. You might get carjacked. And they might steal your clothes. And the cops might find your car torched in the woods. The rules are there for your protection.

April 20

(2008-171313) 8:33 a.m.: Our 57-year-old victim came home this morning to find his door kicked in. Over to you, Officer Grice: “`The victim` discovered that a breathing machine was removed from the bedroom.”

A breathing machine? Back to Grice: “The suspect possibly boarded up the door before he left.” Possibly? You’d think that’d be something you’d notice.

April 22

(2008-174464) 1:06 p.m.: I’ve recently (once again) joined the ranks of the sanctimonious and often cranky ex-smokers. The nicotine patches only get you so far, and they itch like hell. So I’m a little bitchy, but I haven’t had smoker’s cough for a week, and I’ve even been exercising of late, so yay me!

On a related note, a man snatched two cartons of Cowboy Killers – Marlboro Reds, for the uninitiated – from a gas station clerk’s hands, ran outside and drove off in a four-door Honda that was – of course – stolen.

When you’re driving around in a stolen car, it’s a good idea not to draw attention to yourself. Stealing cigs is not a good way to keep a low profile. Maybe buy a pack; it’s not like you have car payments.

April 23

(2008-175406) 2:43 a.m.: Officer Dunlap was again working the downtown bar scene when he was “grabbed and pushed” by a 19-year-old, 115-pound woman, whom he promptly arrested. “I did not suffer any injuries,” Officer Obvious reports.

(2008-175753) 9:56 a.m.: Two men threw a brick through a woman’s bedroom window, apparently to break in. They split when they heard her inside.

(2008-175904) 12:02 p.m.: Cops found a man hiding crack in his mouth. The man swallowed the crack (or rather, “All efforts made to recover the crack cocaine met with negative results,” says Officer Krudo). Cops arrested the man for destroying evidence. Funny cops.

(2008-176677) 11:08 p.m.: You know what I hate? Those stupid baseball caps kids wear with their area code on them. Seriously, what are you “representing” with that 407 on your hat?

Anyway, some guy in a 407 hat robbed three victims at gunpoint on C.R. Smith Street. He made off with some cash and a black and brown hoodie, which he should use to cover up that retarded hat.

April 24

(2008-176775) 12:24 a.m.: Shots fired on Lanette Street. Shell casings on the ground, two bullet holes in the house, another in the car out front, no one hurt, gunman gets away.

April 25

No police report here. Just thought you’d like a little glimpse into what the brave journalists who cover the fuzz have to put up with on a daily basis. First, this morning we got an e-mail from spokescop Sgt. Barb Jones’ Blackberry, which I’ll clean up because the Blackberry is known to cause grammar malfunctions: “Body found in pond, in the rear of 5200 East Colonial Drive.”

You can imagine the excitement this caused in local TV newsrooms. Those guys live for dead bodies in ponds. Unfortunately, the follow-up e-mail wasn’t so joyous, and didn’t fit in well with the planned “Body found in pond! Could YOUR children be next?” leads that would start off the evening news: “No body. Blanket and clothes. Per radio.”

Well, damn. There goes that story … wait, what’s that? The murder is back on? Here comes update No. 2: “Per watch commander. They did find a VERY decomposed body. Investigation’s on scene.”

Oh, the excitement. I need a cigarette.

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