John Edwards is a dreamboat. Bearing stark contrast to that other Democratic John's equine-long, Massachusetts-weathered mug, Edwards' winsome Southern-boy charm is just the pinup perfection that all panty-waving Democrats drool for. Whereas you might take Kerry home to Dad for a game of mah-jongg, you'd take Edwards home to Mom, pop on a sundress and giggle a lot. He's the bee's knees. He's superfabulous and totally hot.

Just the same, not too much is known yet about our new little Dixie-cup's politics; most coverage is centering on his obvious charisma: born poor 51 years ago (and still cute!), played football, rose through the sexy bureaucracies of legalese and brown-roomed Senate shouting, married (blech) to Elizabeth (who bears a striking resemblance to Baby Boom-er Diane Keaton), survived the death of their son, went on to win the hearts and, well, minds of the liberal world, including one John Kerry. Oh, and he's perfect in every way.

So in the interest of swinging the votes of those like us who would rather twirl both our bubblegum and our hair, herein we will explore some of the boring issues to which our little Johnny has totally assigned himself. But let's do it a little differently, because yawning hurts. Let's pretend that the Washington Post lent its editorial offices to the more exciting sensationalists of Tiger Beat magazine, and give Edwards the superhot credit he deserves. Either way, you're gonna vote for him. I mean, what the hell – you know you would totally make out with him, and the Bush family doesn't even have lips.


Actual position: Did not vote on the ban on late-term abortions that President Bush signed into law in 2003, but has consistently voted against previous legislation banning the procedure.

Dreamboat position: OK, we all know that abortion is totally grody, but just imagine if after one of those long walks on a windswept beach, hand-in-hand with sexy Edwards, things progress into an unexpected sizzling boardwalk embrace with consequences. And just imagine that Edwards is young and poor, but totally wants to take care of you. Obviously, at the tender age of 17 (he's only 17 at this point, too, so it's really, really legal), you're both too young to have a baby, and that extra nip of a wine cooler shouldn't punish you (or a baby) for, like, your whole lives. Pro-choice is totally sexy, even if abortion isn't. Big shout-out to Johnny for caring.


Actual position: voted for the USA PATRIOT Act, but is now dissatisfied with Attorney General John Ashcroft's enforcement and calls for a "dramatic revision" of the act.

Dreamboat position: This makes absolute sense. I mean, everybody was freaked out after the scary terror attacks of Sept. 11, and it's not really so bad to have your pink duffle rifled through at the airport, if you know that somebody with a concealed weapon is having their belongings fingered, too. But judging people by the color of their hair or their handbag is wrong. That's just like being the last kid picked for a lunchtime game of badminton, only in reverse. It's not what you wear that makes you a terrorist, it's what you do. This whole PATRIOT Act thing is totally racist, and a little bit stupid. Kind of like the president, really. But we probably shouldn't say that.


Actual position: Edwards opposes civil unions for same-sex couples, but would leave the issue to individual states to decide. He does, however, favor expanding partnership benefits for same-sex couples.

Dreamboat position: We all know that superfun guy at school who likes to talk about fashion and hang out at the mall. He shares your affection for Aaron Carter, but in a way that is so fun it doesn't creep you out or make you uncomfortable. Anyway, certain people do certain things differently, and to each his own. Johnny's soft-shoed position on this hot-button issue probably isn't anything to be concerned about, because, like, your mom is from a different generation and doesn't really understand that boys can like boys and girls can like girls and it doesn't matter a bit ... and she votes. In a perfect world, people would just let other people be who they are, and be that way with any other person they'd like to (and besides, marriage is kind of lame), but at least he didn't support an amendment to the Constitution or something that makes no sense.


Actual position: Would repeal the Bush tax cuts for people who make more than $200,000 a year and would raise the capital gains tax rate for people who make more than $300,000 a year. He would eliminate corporate tax loopholes that create incentives for American companies overseas. And he would offer a matching tax credit of up to $5,000 to help those who need it to cover a down payment on their first home.

Dreamboat position: Oh. My. God. Johnny is so awesome for kicking at the man! You know, we don't have anything against rich people, but by the nature of capitalism, they do have something against us – unfair taxation. Our boy comes from humble beginnings, having only been able to spend $11 on Elizabeth's wedding ring and $22 on their hotel room. Plus, seeing as he's now way over the revenue limitations above, he's taking the fall himself. That is soooo romantic.


Actual position: Plans to create 5 million "good-paying jobs with good benefits and access to health care" over a two-year period by offering money and tax incentives to businesses interested in bringing jobs to urban communities and other areas with high unemployment rates.

Dreamboat position: It totally sucks not to have a job. And it sucks more to have to depend upon welfare, waiting in lines in yucky state offices for just enough to buy bread and peanut butter (probably generic and not even crunchy). So with the job market totally blowing (burger-flipping is not an awesome job), Johnny's progressive angle is really inspiring. Big ups to him.


Actual position: Proposes one free year of college in return for 10 hours of community service a week and will pay for the $5 billion program by reforming federal education loans.

Dreamboat position: College is totally cool, and it's a great place to meet hot guys. By making it easier for high-school students to get into a university (and help others while they're at it), Johnny is somehow softening the blow to your broken heart. He's married, after all. It's time for you to go and find your own trial lawyer/senator/vice president in the making, and move on with your life. But don't totally move on until you or your parents vote him (and Kerry) into the White House. Do your deed, sister. This hottie totally deserves it.


Since 1990, Orlando Weekly has served as the free, independent voice of Orlando, and we want to keep it that way.

Becoming an Orlando Weekly Supporter for as little as $5 a month allows us to continue offering readers access to our coverage of local news, food, nightlife, events, and culture with no paywalls.

Join today because you love us, too.

Scroll to read more Orlando Area News articles

Join Orlando Weekly Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.