;Great news, Orange County strippers: You can now grab your funbags onstage! Go ahead; fondle, tickle, pinch and caress to your heart's content, because it's legal, thanks to the Orange County commission.
;;On June 27, the board revised its adult entertainment ordinance, due in part to a First Amendment lawsuit filed against it by Steve Mason, an attorney who represents local strip clubs. Before, the ordinance stated that "fondling or other erotic touching of human genitals, pubic region, buttock, anus or female breast" was a no-no. Now the ordinance reads: "Fondling, stroking or rubbing of human genitals or anus" is out of bounds. No mention of bewbies!
;;And there's more. Orange County requires dancers to wear panties, so unless you stick your hands inside your G-string, dancers, you won't actually be "fondling, stroking or rubbing" your naughty bits. You'll be rubbing the clothing that covers them! Isn't law interesting?
;;;Speaking of laws and of things we find darned interesting, here is, in full, how Orange County defines "specified sexual activity," things you can't do or see in titty bars: "Human genitals in a state of sexual stimulation, arousal or tumescence; or acts of human anilingus, bestiality, buggery, cunnilingus, coprophagy, coprophilia, fellatio, flagellation, masochism, masturbation, necrophilia, pederasty, pedophilia, sadism, sadomasochism, sapphism, sexual intercourse, sodomy, urolagnia, or zooerasty; or fondling, stroking or rubbing of human genitals or anus; or excretory activities as part of or in connections with any of the activities set forth (above)."
;;Can we just get a beer, please?
;;;Last month, the Orlando City Council voted to make it harder — nay, near-impossible — to feed the homeless in public parks downtown. Though not specified in the ordinance, the law targeted Orlando Food Not Bombs, a group that feeds homeless folks vegetarian meals every Wednesday afternoon in Lake Eola Park. Homeless people congregating for a meal did not thrill nearby businesses and residents. They complained to commissioner Patty Sheehan, who pushed for the law, which passed on a 5-2 vote June 19.
;;On July 24, the ordinance comes back for its required second — and final — vote. While it's almost certain to pass, we thought it might be interesting to note some of the subtle changes the city has made to the law since the first reading.
;;For instance, no longer are the feedings restricted in parks and public areas included in the city's downtown Community Redevelopment Agency district; now they're restricted in something called the Greater Downtown Park District, defined as any city-owned park within a two-mile radius of City Hall. And in the new version of the bill, feeding homeless people isn't just a danger to "the health and welfare of citizens"; now, it's a threat to birds and animals too. (As opponents of the ordinance point out, when this law passes it will be legal to feed pigeons in Orlando parks, but not people.)
;;Originally, groups that fed more than 15 people would be covered under the ordinance, which requires permits for the feedings. (Two a year are allowed per group.) Now the threshold is 25 people in a group, including those serving the food.
;;Originally, the ordinance read, "The city has provided for and set aside reasonable, ample, alternative land space" to feed the homeless. Now it says the city is "committed to and has provided" such space. We asked commissioner Robert Stuart — whose full-time job is helping homeless people in Parramore — what space the city is referring to. He didn't know.
;;;While you were quite busy preparing to douse your Best of Orlando heart murmur with flavored depressants garnished with antici-PA-tion, some of us were content to bury our heads in the sand of cable reality programming and avoid any eye contact. Silly us. Turns out that a click to the Style Network rewarded our red eyes with far more local flavor than we are programmed to handle.
;;The new series Instant Beauty Pageant featured in its sophomore episode July 7 none other than Park Avenue in Winter Park. Hosted by pre-Star Wars The View cast-off Debbie Matenopoulos and Foody Call nobody Rossi Morreale, the show operates on the staged-ambush premise that makes Ambush Makeover so repugnant.
;;In this case, each of the six contestants happened to have a slightly uglier friend or family member in tow to become their pageant coach. Bitchiness ensued at Tuni's, 30-somethings drank away their allowances at 310 Park South, and in the end, shady onlookers clapped to the tune of nothing happening on a makeshift stage.
;;Some Google research reveals that the Park Avenue Area Merchants Association put the idea forward to the city last year. They were given the go-ahead for a Feb. 11 shoot date, and it all went down without a hitch or a stocking run. Do you know how hard it is to find a bathing suit on Park Avenue in February? You should.
;;Suspicious business ties and actress/waitress ambitions bled through like clumpy deodorant, as did the fact that folks had a couple of months to prepare to be ambushed. All of which means that Instant Beauty Pageant is a lie. We so wanted to believe.
;;;Orlando Weekly is totally hip to;what the kids are digging these days. Bitchin', right?
;;;Our research indicates kids are into "blogs," a term that is an amalgamation of the letter "b" and the word "log." It's kind of like a diary you put on the Internet, except that instead of only your friends and family not giving a shit what you write in your diary, the whole world doesn't give a shit what you write in your "blog."
;;We've even come up with a catchy name for it: Bloggytown.
;;;What will you find when you click on Bloggytown, which you will be able to do beginning July 20 at www.orlandoweekly.com/blog? Nothing important, that's for damn sure.
;;;Nonetheless, all the cool kids will be going to the site, and according to our marketing research, peer pressure is highly persuasive. Dude.
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