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Strippers 1, vice cops 0. On a 4-2 vote Dec. 6, Orlando's Citizens Police Review Board asked Police Chief Michael McCoy to reopen the department's internal-affairs investigation of two Metropolitan Bureau of Investigation agents whom Cleo's Gentlemen's Club accused of exposing themselves and fondling Cleo's dancers during an undercover 2004 sting `see "Operation Overexposed," Sept. 22, 2005`.

As we've reported, Cleo's attorney Steve Mason filed complaints on behalf of dancers Celeste Hall and Olivia Foster earlier this year that triggered an internal affairs investigation. On Aug. 30, internal affairs cleared both agents and essentially declared the polygraph test both dancers had passed worthless.

On Nov. 1, over the objections of OPD's internal affairs manager that the complaints hadn't been filed quickly enough, the CPRB agreed to hear the case. And then last week, it not only heard the case, but sided with Hall and Foster. It also recommended that if OPD didn't think the original polygraph was adequate, it should perform one of its own. Of course, its recommendations aren't binding, but the case ain't over yet.

So, what's gayer than twobananas standing up in a heaping pile of strawberry Cool Whip? The LOGO network is, and after months of speculation, Orlando — which is in no way a very gay city — will get to see it firsthand (and second, if you are so endowed).

So, you’re a big fan of Dr. G: Medical Examiner, the Discovery Health Channel’s hit show starring Orange/Osceola medical examiner Dr. Jan Garavaglia, as well you should be. Check upcoming episodes for a car accident re-enactment involving a fence. It was filmed right here in the Orlando Weekly parking lot. Rumors that we had a staffer killed for the piece are just that, rumors.

According to Watermarkonline.com, Bright House has admitted that they are "aware of a strong gay population in Orlando" (what!), and have been mired in contract negotiations to bring the network, which launched in June of last year, to the horny queens in the shadow of the mouse for, like, ages. It apparently helped, too, that commissioner Patty Sheehan, Equality Florida and Watermark were behind an "aggressive e-mail and phone campaign" to get the network on-air locally.

Debuting Dec. 13 on channel 189 in Central Florida, the MTV Network's new gay baby promises to raise the intellectual bar at least as much as its slutty sisters with such heady fare as "Can't Get a Date" (one featured episode, "Jenni," details a single mom who "has no boundaries" and likes to talk about her diseased feet; her daughters clean her up for a new womyn) and various comedy, music and documentary specials (Gay Republicans! They make those!), as well a rehash of gay-themed films from their vault of "more than 200."

Exciting or insulting? You decide.

Speaking of gay, do you have Broadway dreams? Are you living in a community-theater reality? Well, buck up, thespian; opportunity is knocking. Reps from New York talent agency Telsey and Co. will be at Disney's Animal Kingdom holding auditions for The Color Purple, Rent, Hairspray, Tarzan and Wicked 10 a.m. to 4 p.m Dec. 18. Be prepared to sing 16 bars of a pop, rock or contemporary show tune and have your résumé, head shot and sheet music on hand.

Dispatches from the Front:
A strategic battle has apparently been won against the forces of Godless secularism. According to a recent Zogby poll, 32 percent of respondents said they were offended by the use of the phrase “happy holidays.” What’s more, 95 percent of respondents said they were not offended by the phrase “merry Christmas.” In fact, the use of that term seems to make shoppers more likely to shop at a store, according to the poll, and the use of the term “happy holidays” annoyed 51 percent of Zogby’s 12,806 respondents to the point that they would cut their shopping short.

And please, don't be late and don't forget to staple your résumé to your head shot. This ain't the high-school play.

Hey Orlando taxpayers: You just got screwed. Without lube. Send a box of chocolates to commissioner Daisy Lynum. She was the principal advocate for Otey Place, a 3.5-acre swath of land near the Amway Arena (don't you just choke on that name?) that the city's been trying to develop almost forever. And, as this newspaper has faithfully documented, whenever someone wants to build on this land, Lynum's friends are always in the thick of it `see "A bill of goods," Dec. 7`.

So too this time.

The city spent $1.1 million assembling the land, but sold it to PSA Constructors;Ñ whose owner is Lynum's friend — for about $250,000. The Black Business Investment Fund of Central Florida, Inc.÷— Lynum serves on its board — is a partner. Despite the $800,000 hit the city was taking, and the fact that this thing will do nothing to help the city's affordable-housing crunch, only one commissioner, Patty Sheehan, voted against it Dec. 11.

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This week's report by Jeffrey C. Billman, Amber Foster, Billy Manes and Bob Whitby.



Dear Ian: I heard that the government can use your cell phone as a way to spy on you without you knowing about it. How can I protect myself?

Worried in Longwood

Worried: Anyone worried about cell phone mics/cameras/etc. being used as bugging devices — there’s a simple way to make sure that nobody can use your cell phone as a monitoring device: Take out the battery.

That’s all there is to it. If you’re on your way to see Emilio to pick up a couple of keys of Colombia’s finest, or if you’re heading on over to your anthrax weaponization lab to check on the progress your biochemists are making, just take the battery out of your cell phone and make sure your accomplices do the same. Then all you have to worry about is old-fashioned snitching, instead of newfangled surveillance.

(To our benevolent overlords at the Department of Homeland Security: Rest assured, I intend my statements as exaggeration to make a point. I love the USA. Love, Ian.)

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