Harvard University, the oldest college in the United States, is now offering free tuition to students from families with a combined income of $60,000 or less. According to the Mercury News wire services, Harvard President Lawrence Summers said the new arrangement – which also reduces the burden on families in the $60,000 to $80,000 range – will "extend our emphasis on recruiting students from low-income backgrounds and send a clear signal to middle-class families who have all too often felt that Harvard and other leading institutions are out of reach."

Greetings, disadvantaged applicant!


We're delighted that you've expressed an interest in enrolling in Harvard University, the oldest and finest college in the United States. This year, Harvard has implemented a watershed financial-aid program that will make it easier than ever for students of modest means to attend the august institution that graduated John F. Kennedy, Ralph Waldo Emerson and Thurston Howell III.

Pay no attention to any murmurings you may hear that Harvard's historic new aid program constitutes quota-ism in disguise – the chance for a privileged, lily-white student body to experience the cheap thrill of integration for a short time and under highly controlled circumstances. The Yalies may say that, but they have to have something to talk about when we aren't man-raping them at lacrosse, don't they? We merely want to be sure that you're the sort of student who is right for us. So help us out by answering the following questions swiftly and truthfully. See you around Harvard Yard, homey!

1) What is your race?
a. Black/African-American
b. Latino/Hispanic
c. One of the other service-sector lineages
d. White devil/Caucasian

2) What is your family's combined annual income?
a. $80,000 and up
b. $60,000-$80,000
c. Below $60,000
d. Whatever a "used" BlackBerry goes for in the Bronx, multiply that by 365

3) In the space provided, please briefly describe your background and aspirations in the form of a dirty-South rap lyric.
; ___________________________________________________________________________
4) Which of the following urban colloquialisms would you be able to explain in a classroom setting?
a. Chiva
b. G skillet
c. Cholo
d. Keen

5) It's vitally important for a Harvard student to stay on top of current events. Complete the following quote that was front-page news in 2005: "George Bush doesn't care about black … "
a. People
b. Holes
c. Sabbath
d. Berries, which explains why he's so seldom seen in the Bronx

6) What are your housing requirements?
a. I will need to live in a dormitory
b. I would prefer to live off-campus in an apartment and/or drug den
c. I got my cousin to hook me up
d. Um, how big is your place?

7) Which of the following socially and economically biased aptitude tests have you taken and passed?
a. SAT
b. CAT
c. Myers-Briggs personality test
d. JET magazine's "Is your man a lowdown lyin' dog?" quiz (just to keep game up)

8) Have you previously applied to Harvard University?
a. No
b. Yes; disqualified under previous cracker-centric tuition rules
c. Yes; rejected due to misunderstanding with immigration authority
d. Yes; discouraged from attending by hidden messages in The Boondocks

9) Have you ever been charged with a felony? Was it wonderful? Tell us it was wonderful.
a. Word
;b. Verdad
;c. "Fo' shiz"
;d. To express properly, would need at least five paragraphs of 100-350 words each (use back of form)

10) Harvard prides itself on being able to attract a diverse array of top performing talent for on-campus concerts and special events. With which of the following celebrities do you enjoy personal contact, either due to blood relation or some underground information network we don't know about?
;a. Slam poet Saul Williams
b. Lost actor Jorge Garcia
c. Lost actor Harold Perrineau Jr.
d. Franklin from Peanuts

11) Harvard University makes every effort to disburse tuition stipends promptly and accurately. But naturally, some mistakes are bound to creep through. How can we expect you to respond if you arrive in the financial-aid office on the first day of the semester and discover that, as the saying goes, the "bitch" does not have your money?
a. Foot up ass
b. Slug in culo
c. Strongly worded letter to dean, accompanied by brick
d. $25 million class-action suit (note: Open to Harvard Law applicants only)

Congratulations on your successful completion of this questionnaire! No matter what your answers were, we're sure the Hasty Puddings are going to love having you for a classmate/busboy. Don't forget to sign your application and include a check for your nonrefundable $500 place-holding fee. And your $250 processing fee. And an extra $150 to open your meal plan and cover incidentals neither of us has thought of yet. Hey, are we excited you're going to be gracing our hallowed halls with your mad achieving skillz? You bet your Benjamins we are! Peace out!

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