Don't spare the hot rod

A new Department of Children & Families employee was fired after being arrested on charges that he was drag racing while his 4-year-old child was in the car's back seat. `Ricardo` Bell, hired in December, was training to become a child protective investigator.
— Orlando Sentinel, May 21, 2003


Head on down to Central Florida Speedtown and strap yourself in for the

You'll see the top drivers on the hot-rod circuit facing off in white-knuckle contests of dragstrip dominance -- with only the stabilizing weight of a defenseless toddler to stop them from fishtailing their way into tire-screeching oblivion!

These amped-up speed demons just don't know the meaning of "fear." They laugh bitterly at the word "defeat." And they aren't too hot on "responsible guardianship" either! Come see Ricardo "Papa Pain" Bell defend his four-time Danger Drag title against ethyl-crazed up-and-comer Jerry "Smack Daddy" Regier. All the while, be ready to gnaw your fingernails down to the knuckle as those precious little bundles of baby fat roll around as loose as casaba melons in the granny seat!

"Baby on board" means bambinos for ballast this Sunday at Speedtown, where the squeal of a steel-belted radial speaks just as loud as the wail of a carpet monkey who's sure he'll never see home again. Death or glory lurk at the finish line, ready to lower the flag on an extravaganza of popping pistons and petrified pipsqueaks that'll have you pushing in your Pampers!

The action starts long before the tiny bowels start churning. While you wait for the main event, thrill to the asphyxiating fury of the Southeast's premier Day-Care Demolition Derby! Motor-mangling madmen grab a kiddie companion and take to the asphalt, honor-bound to follow one golden rule: Even if engine failure forces them to abandon their pacifier-sucking partners in their vehicles, THEIR WINDOWS MUST REMAIN ROLLED UP AT ALL TIMES.

It's the smash-'em, crash-'em spectacle you've been craving, topped off by an elimination-round coup de grace that's delivered at 110 brain-baking degrees! Is there a bible-school buttercup tough enough to survive? Find out Sunday! Sunday! SUNDAY!

Did we mention Sunday is customer-appreciation night? Bring a recent court document proving your prosecution on parental-neglect charges, and you'll be given an official Endangerment Nationals fanny pack as a free gift! It's a small-but-heartfelt token of gratitude from this year's drivers, tranny-throttling trailblazers who have figured out their own way to get the American family back on track: by putting their families ON THE TRACK!

And don't forget Speedtown's famous school-bus races, now presented with the added excitement of AN ENTIRE KINDERGARTEN CLASS IN EVERY BUS! Vintage public-education jobs shimmy through slippery figure-eights and careen toward head-on calamity, carrying a cargo of kiddies who should have just faked the flu and stayed home. Long bus, short bus ... who cares how you get to Speedtown? Just get there EARLY! You won't want to miss a minute!

The All-Star Child Endangerment Nationals are brought to you by our title sponsor, the Department of Children & Families. On your way to the beer window, be sure to pick up a copy of their latest educational video, "Hey, He Ain't YOUR Kid: The Public Etiquette of Corporal Punishment." Your friends at the DCF thank you for your support, and remind you that when you spare the hot rod, you spoil the child!

After the winner is crowned, stay all night for more reckless racing in every automotive category. We're squeezing the nursery-room chum into late models, limited late models, open-wheeled modifieds, bombers and runabouts. Maybe even a Big Wheel or two! And be sure to keep an extra set of binoculars trained on the sidelines for the axle-jockeying antics of Joshua "Pee-Wee" Pomerantz and the state's only pre-K pit crew!

If you miss this one, well, you might as well be a stay-at-home pop. And it's all happening Sunday! Mark you calendars now for Sunday! What's that date again? SUNDAY!

Be there, big daddy!

(Note: May be moved to Monday in case of rain. Not responsible for refunds.)

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