Ask Uncle Tony

With the U.S. government's support of in-school sex education programs winnowing to abstinence promotion only, the youth of America are in sore need of honest, reliable information about the changes their bodies are putting them through. Beginning with this issue, it's a service Orlando Weekly is determined to provide. Our handpicked advice guru, Tony LaFemina, has no particular background in health education or crisis counseling. But he came to us and told us that he's always had a deep personal interest in the issue of teen sexuality, and we were so impressed by his obvious passion that we signed him up right away. We didn't even ask to look at his list of priors first. Here's the sage advice "Uncle" Tony had to impart to an initial sampling of eager questioners.

Dear Uncle Tony:

After months of fooling around, my girlfriend and I are thinking seriously about going all the way. Some of our friends say, "Go for it," but others think we should wait. What's your opinion?

Blue Ball in the Corner Pocket

Dear Blue:

Congratulations! You're about to embark on the greatest adventure life has for a boy – greater even than the first time you closed some smart-mouth's eyes for him or the first Lexus you boosted from your first Don Pepe's parking lot. I'm sure some of your "friends" are "concerned"; there's an awful lot of misinformation floating around out there about sex these days. But though you may not know it, there's no chance of pregnancy if certain conditions are met – like, for instance, if the chick is Dominican and you're a normal person. For proof of why this is, look no farther than our friends the animals. Ever see a Doberman try to hump a sea turtle? Know what happens? NOTHING! If completely opposite species were meant to procreate together, our zoos would be overrun with weird half-breed creatures that hatch eggs at night but can still fetch the paper if you train them just right. And that ain't happening. So say a big thank-you to our friends God and Chuck Darwin, and get in there and get some of that!

Dear Uncle Tony:

I'm a 15-year old female who recently had sex for the first time. Now I'm worried that I might have made the wrong decision. How much chance do you think there is that I'll get pregnant?

Miss Morning After

Dear MMA:

I'm assuming that you and the guy you did it with are both of the same race, blood type, religious background and political affiliation, or you wouldn't be writing. (See answer above.) But even if you are, there's other stuff to consider. Ask yourself: How long did it all take? It's a proven fact that a lady like yourself can't get pregnant if delivery of the payload was accomplished in less than seven minutes. This is something a lot of people don't know; I have to remind my girl of it all the time so she doesn't start to wig on me. And even folks who are hip to this factoid aren't always sure how to measure the elapsed time. It's easy. Start counting when he drops the Kanye West CD in the player, and stop when you're done telling him that what just went down was absolutely the most spectacular thing that ever happened to you in your entire life.

Dear Uncle Tony:

Please settle a bet we have going at my middle school: Is oral sex really sex?

Timmy the Greek

Dear Timmy:

Hoo, boy, you're making your Uncle Tony feel old. I can't believe that some of you kids today seriously believe that getting a skank to swallow your sword doesn't count as doing it. In my day, we spent most of recess trying to convince each other that it did. For the record, oral sex is sex the same way Caffeine-Free Diet Coke is still Coke: If the root word's in there, you're getting the original product. Want to know some other things that count as sex? Phone sex, online sex, subscribing to Cinemax and reading this column.

Dear Uncle Tony:

There's this girl in my neighborhood who had to drop out of school to have a baby, and she told my sister it only happened because she let some guy finger her after she gave him a hand job. Somehow, she says, his spooge got inside her and met up with one of her eggs. Can this really happen, or is she a big liar?

Pinky Stix

Dear Pinky:

Much as I hate to admit it, this one's absolutely true. The human sperm is like Joe Lieberman: You think you've washed your hands of it, but it just keeps hanging on and hanging on. After I received your letter, I did a little checking on the Internet to see if I could find out how long semen can live outside the human body. Know what the answer is? Twenty-four thousand years. I know, I know; chilling. So do yourself a favor and invest in a good-size bottle of Dial Daily Care.

(Editor's note: Though we promised Mr. LaFemina that we would run his responses unexpurgated, to help build trust between him and his young readership, something about the figure "24,000 years" seemed odd to us. We had our fact-checkers look into it, and we believe he is referring to the half-life of plutonium, not sperm. So to the final sentence of his reply, we would add " … and some hazmat gloves.")

Dear Uncle Tony:

I'm a young lady of 17 who's been having intercourse with various partners for about a year, and I'm starting to be really afraid of getting an STD. Is there any surefire way to tell who's infected and who isn't?

Revenge of the Syph

Dear Syph:

The signs are many, and they're all right there on the surface. When he showed up for your date, did he pick you up in a sweet ride? Did he drop more than 20 bucks on dinner? Do your friends think he's hot? If the answer to these questions is "yes," you've landed yourself a fella with options. He doesn't need to horndog it after every easy target that's working the carny circuit; therefore, he's as clean as the counter at Baskin-Robbins. So have fun and don't worry your pretty little head about cooties.

Remember, it's all about making good choices and shit.

(Next week: Uncle Tony reads more of your letters – even the ones that didn't arrive in pink envelopes and smelling like jasmine.)

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