Everything new on Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, Apple TV+, Peacock and the rest.
Premieres Wednesday:
Broad Peak — True events inspired this story of a Polish climber who thought he had reached the top of the titular Asian mountain, then had to go back 25 years later to do it for real. Given that he almost died the first time, I'm taking this as a metaphor for anyone who has been married more than once. (Netflix)
The Handmaid's Tale — In Season 5, The Artist Formerly Known as Offred has to choose between living a life of security in Canada and going back to Gilead to face the music for killing Commander Waterford in Season 4. OK, I take it back: This is the one that's definitely the metaphor for getting married a second time. (Hulu)
The Lørenskog Disappearance — The unsolved mystery of a missing billionaire's wife yields a four-episode miniseries that probes the ways in which the media and the public can impede an official investigation. Yeah, the criminal-justice system would run a lot more smoothly if it were restricted solely to cops and rich people. Oh, wait ... (Netflix)
Heartbreak High — Teens have to cope with the public unearthing of their secret relationships as a popular Australian show of the '90s gets a reboot. If we're going to bring back everything that was big Down Under 30 years ago, I'm going to need Yahoo Serious to surrender his passport. (Netflix)
Sins of Our Mother — As she awaits trial, learn the gory details that got Lori Vallow charged with the murders of her two youngest children and her fifth husband's then-wife. (That fifth husband is also a defendant in all three of those killings, yet the poor guy isn't getting a docuseries of his own. I wonder why that is.) (Netflix)
Premieres Thursday:
Flux Gourmet — Black comedy is on the menu as a group of performance artists experiment with the ability of food to generate unpleasant noises. What I'm hearing is that they've never heard of White Castle. (Shudder)
Speak No Evil — This portrait of the growing tension between a Dutch family and a Danish family is a true shocker. Especially if you've always thought the Dutch and the Danes were the same thing. (Shudder)
Terim — Turkish football legend Faith Terim revisits his days as both a player and a coach in a documentary that's sure to be full of revelations. Revelation No. 1: There's football in Turkey! Revelation No. 2: The Dutch are not the Danish! (I'm sorry, I still can't get over that one.) (Netflix)
Vampire Academy — Putting the memory of the disastrous 2014 feature film behind them, the stars of Richelle Mead's YA supernatural-romance series return in a reboot series that's likewise set within the halls of St. Vladimir Academy. Hey, it worked for Buffy, right? (I mean, except for that whole "setting Joss Whedon loose on an unsuspecting world" business.) (Peacock)
Premieres Friday:
Do Revenge — Two high-school girls team up to get even with each other's tormentors in an anti-slut-shaming piece that's said to have been "inspired by Hitchcock's Strangers on a Train." You know, just like Gilligan's Island was inspired by The Tempest. (Netflix)
Drifting Home — The third anime feature from the makers of A Whisker Away and Penguin Highway concerns a bunch of kids who find themselves floating through a vast ocean in a condemned apartment building. Because clearly, the entire anime medium has been leading up to a mashup of the Tenement Museum and Waterworld. (Netflix)
Fate: The Winx Saga — Season 2 reveals more of the magical instruction that's going on at a boarding school full of fairies. Boy, and you thought the faculty at that vampire academy were groomers. (Netflix)
Goodnight Mommy — Naomi Watts stars in a stateside remake of the 2014 Austrian creep-fest about a mother of two who comes home from cosmetic surgery acting like a different person entirely. Well, that's sort of the point of cosmetic surgery, isn't it? Give me a better nose and I'd be pretending I had never met any of you. (Amazon Prime)
I Used to Be Famous — Netflix U.K. sends us a knowing comedy that shows a former boy-band singer trying to make a comeback by collaborating with an autistic drummer. Hear that, Joey Fatone? There's an easier way than selling hot dogs! (Netflix)
Love Is Blind: After the Altar Season 2 — Learn who's been happier in the aftermath of Love Is Blind Season 2: The two couples who ended up getting hitched or the three that didn't. If you aren't sure where my bet lies, go back and read this column again from the beginning. (Netflix)
Mija — From the Sundance Film Festival comes this documentary portrait of Doris Muñoz and Jacks Haupt, two musicians trying to get ahead in the business while coping with their parents' status as undocumented immigrants. That's still easier than the usual path, which is trying to get ahead in the music business while coping with your utter lack of talent. (Disney+)
My Dream Quinceañera — A YouTube series becomes a streaming reality showcase, with professional planner María Pérez helping excited girls plan their 15th-birthday celebration. I don't want to denigrate anybody's culture, but I'm hoping every one of them turns into a full-fledged quincezilla. (Paramount+)
Sago Mini Friends — The popular kids' app provides the source material for animated animal pals to express their undying gratitude for all things. Remember this when your daughter brings home her fiancé and you find yourself thinking "Where did she learn to take just ANYTHING?" (Apple TV+)
Santo — A couple of cops from vastly different cultures go after a drug kingpin whose face has never been seen in public. Have they checked out the supporting cast of Morbius? Because that seems like a great place to hide. (Netflix)
Secret Origin of the Batwheels — Ethan Hawke provides the voice of Batman in a Cars-influenced cartoon that anthropomorphizes the Caped Crusader's crime-fighting vehicles. Fittingly, it's on HBO Max, which may have become an actual used-car lot by the time you sit down to watch.
Skandal! Bringing Down Wirecard — The "corporate fall from grace" genre of documentaries marches ever forward with the story of German finance firm Wirecard, which was revealed to be (big shock) a massive fraud. Expect Disney+ to hop on the bandwagon with a merciless takedown of Scrooge McDuck. (Netflix)
Premieres Sunday:
SEAL Team — Your uncle who insists on calling the military "warrriors" will be thrilled that Bravo Team is back for a sixth season (its second as a streaming-only unit). New additions include Raffi Barsoumian as a SEAL with "15 years of experience and a deep understanding of the Middle East." Wanna bet he's the first one whose pension Kevin McCarthy is gonna go after? (Paramount+)
Premieres Monday:
Best in Dough — Following piping-hot on the heels of Netflix's Chef's Table, here comes the second pizza-making show in as many weeks — and allegedly the first one to be structured as a competition. (The one on HBO Max will be structured as a tax writeoff.) (Hulu)
Premieres Tuesday:
Patton Oswalt: We All Scream — Our national treasure of a comedian tells us about all the things he could have done during the Covid lockdown but didn't. Cheer up, Patton: When monkeypox hits its zenith, you'll have time to master the bassoon. (Netflix)
Reboot — Steven Levitan, creator of Just Shoot Me and Modern Family, brings us a new meta-sitcom in which the cast of a fictitious 2000s TV series reunites for a very fragile revival. Hot rumor: The show was originally going to star Lea Michele, and it was going to be titled Just Shoot Her." (Hulu)
