Paris Hilton’s Netflix cooking show isn’t even failing upward — it’s more like ‘barely trying sideways’

That's a unique take on oven mitts
That's a unique take on oven mitts Photo courtesy of Netflix

Premieres Wednesday:

Cooking With Paris — Remember Paris Hilton? The city of Orlando once subsidized an entire nightclub in her name, and she didn't even bother to show up for the grand opening. Anyway, she's trying to learn how to cook now, and she wants you to watch. This isn't even failing upward — it's more like "barely trying sideways." (Netflix)

Cocaine Cowboys: The Kings of Miami — Here comes a six-part series about the Cuban-born powerboat-racers-cum-drug-lords who were the target of one of the biggest busts in U.S. history. The show is based on the documentary of the same name that came out 15 years ago — back when many of us could actually afford cocaine! (Netflix)

Premieres Friday:

Hart to Heart — Kevin Hart gets his own talk show, in which he'll welcome actors, musicians and other notables to his "virtual wine cellar." Secretary Buttigieg, come on down! (Peacock)

Teddy — Rural France is the setting for a shocker about a young man who believes he's becoming a werewolf. I was going to joke that he's not a werewolf and he's not a swear wolf — he's a surrender wolf. But no way am I going to take shots at the French right now. At least they make their werewolves carry vaccine passports. (Shudder)

Premieres Saturday:

S.O.Z. Soldiers or Zombies Season 1 — Agents of the Mexican government who are trying to bring down a drug cartel get transformed into a horde of the undead, thanks to an American experiment gone awry. Seems to me we could be looking at some sort of geopolitical metaphor here. You know, the way District 9 really stuck it to the Irish. (Amazon Prime)

The Suicide Squad — The wacky humor of new director James Gunn (and a strategically added definite article) is the Hail Mary pass for the Suicide Squad franchise before the whole thing gets declared "not canon" and we all start over. Hey, I hear George Lucas is looking for work. (HBO Max)

Val — While he waits for the Top Gun sequel to rescue him from the autograph circuit, Val Kilmer shares a lifetime's worth of home movies that form a compelling portrait of the actor's craft. Pay close attention if you want to learn how a true professional gets into character by flicking lit cigarettes at the crew. (Amazon Prime)

Vivo — Get ready to have animation tug at your heartstrings, as Lin-Manuel Miranda provides the voice of a rainforest honey bear who has to deliver a musical love letter on behalf of his human owner. I'm hoping for "Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell" by the Stooges, but they'll probably opt for something original so they can snag an Oscar nom. Damn loopholes. (Netflix)

Premieres Monday:

Reservation Dogs — Taika Waititi and Native American filmmaker Sterlin Harjo present a comedy series about Oklahoma teens on the road to California. And all of the writers, directors and lead actors are genuine indigenous people. Well, no one in show business is genuine, but you know what I mean. (FX on Hulu)

Premieres Tuesday:

Bleed With Me — This horror picture asks the question, "Is it paranoia when you think the friend you've gone on vacation with is secretly draining the blood from your veins?" Follow-up question: What's in that breakfast buffet, really? (Shudder)

Untold: Malice at the Palace — Learn what really happened at the 2004 Pacers/Pistons riot in the first installment of a five-episode docu-series that probes the truth behind famous sports stories. Will we find out Pete Rose was innocent? I'll bet you a 10-spot we won't! (Netflix)


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