NO 'BUTTS' ABOUT IT!


Regular readers know I make anywhere from three to 12 "butt jokes" a week in this column. This, however, is no time for anal fixations – because we are facing the busiest, most entertaining week of TV all year. OMIGOD.

For example! On Thursday, it's the season premiere of Survivor: Guatemala (CBS, 8 p.m.), while on Monday, it's the return of your fave show ever, Arrested Development (FOX, 8 p.m.). Then on Tuesday, it's the powerhouse pairing of The Office (NBC, 9:30 p.m.) and Nip/Tuck (FX, 10 p.m.), PLUS the long-awaited Dancing With the Stars: Dance Off! (ABC, 8:30 p.m.), in which the previously robbed John O'Hurley takes on that bitch Kelly Monaco in a faggy dance to the finish! BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! On Wednesday, America's Next Top Model returns (UPN, 8 p.m.), along with the No. 1 show in the entire universe, Lost (ABC, 9 p.m.).

Add those to the new shows debuting this week, and that means NO TIME FOR HUMPY BUTT TALK. (Sorry!) Here are a few of this week's newbies.

Twins (WB, 8:30 p.m. Friday, Sept. 16): Fraternal twins Mitchee (Roseanne's homely Sara Gilbert) and Farrah (Passions' hotsy Molly Stanton) are given the keys to the family underwear company. Co-starring Melanie "Oh, how the mighty have fallen" Griffith. HUMPY'S TAKE: Don't be alarmed, but this WB sitcom is actually pretty funny (if you can get past the horror that is Melanie Griffith's lips).

Threshold (CBS, 9 p.m. Friday, Sept. 16): Sexy Carla Gugino (Karen Sisco) leads a team of science nerds and jarhead soldiers to investigate a possible alien life form. HUMPY'S TAKE: I'm just gonna say it: Carla Gugino has some sweet fun-bags. Plus, if you're going to watch one Lost rip-off this season, make this the one.

Surface (NBC, 8 p.m. Monday, Sept. 19): Sexy scientist No. 2 Lake Bell (Boston Legal) also leads a team of nerds, this time in a search for sea monsters. HUMPY'S TAKE: The show's biggest hurdle will be making the CG believable … but if it results in a new type of fish stick, then I'm in!

Kitchen Confidential (FOX, 8:30 p.m. Monday, Sept. 19): Will from Alias, Xander from Buffy and Sam from Freaks and Geeks are boozing, womanizing chefs in this series based on Anthony Bourdain's book. HUMPY'S TAKE: An all-star cast in scenarios that make Hell's Kitchen look tame? Let's eat!

My Name Is Earl (NBC, 9 p.m. Tuesday, Sept. 20): The buzziest comedy of the season stars Jason Lee (Chasing Amy) as Earl, a petty thief who loses a winning lottery ticket and, on the advice of Carson Daly (!), goes about setting the world's wrongs right. HUMPY'S TAKE: If it stays this strong, this could be your favorite comedy of the year (not counting Arrested Development, of course).

And quickly … The Apprentice: Martha Stewart (NBC, 8 p.m. Wednesday, Sept. 21): Martha's out of the joint and ready to whore! E-Ring (NBC, 9 p.m. Wednesday, Sept. 21): Like a cock ring, except with the Pentagon. And Invasion (ABC, 10 p.m. Wednesday, Sept 21): Hurricane washes up alien weirdness in a Florida town. A suntan AND anal probes? Where do I sign up? (And you thought you'd escape without a single butt joke.)

Butt, booty, tuchis, heinie, honey-baked ham.
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THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, SEPT. 15
8 p.m. CBS SURVIVOR: GUATEMALA
Season Premiere! A new group of survivors washes up on some ancient Mayan ruins – now with shambling mummies!

10:30 p.m. COM THE SHOWBIZ SHOW
Debut! Smarty-ass David Spade hosts this new show that skewers Hollywood types (like himself).

FRIDAY, SEPT. 16
8:30 p.m. WB TWINS
Debut! A pair of non-lookalike twins takes control of their parents' lingerie company. Cue the naked models!

9 p.m. CBS THRESHOLD
Debut! Hotsy scientists make first contact with butt-poking aliens!

SATURDAY, SEPT. 17
8:30 p.m. PBS THE GRATEFUL DEAD
(Movie, 1977) For those unable to muster up the courage to kill themselves, check out this horrifyingly annoying concert film.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 18
8 p.m. CBS EMMY AWARDS
Ellen DeGeneres hosts this ceremony historically devoted to honoring the worst shows on television.

MONDAY, SEPT. 19
8 p.m. FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Season Premiere! The Bluth family returns for another hilarious season! This episode: Michael ruins everything for everybody.

8:30 p.m. CBS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
Debut! Doogie Howser and Willow from Buffy star in this new sitcom about a loser looking for a wifey.

9 p.m. WB JUST LEGAL
Debut! A legal prodigy hooks up with a washout lawyer (Don Johnson) in the 5,937th law show of the season.

TUESDAY, SEPT. 20
8:30 p.m. ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS: DANCE OFF!
John O'Hurley and that talentless bitch Kelly Monaco hit the floor to decide who's boss!

9:30 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE
Season Premiere! Steve Carrell is back as the clueless boss in last season's breakout hit.

10 p.m. FX NIP/TUCK
Season Premiere! Christian gets his face sliced off, while Sean looks for a new partner. What a jerk!

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 21
8 p.m. NBC THE APPRENTICE: MARTHA STEWART
Debut! This week, the contestants learn to make decorative electronic ankle bracelets.

8 p.m. UPN AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Season Premiere! Meow! Meow! Pfffft!! Pfffft!!

9 p.m. ABC LOST
Season Premiere! The castaways finally discover what's inside the mysterious hatch – and it smells poopy!

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