(NOTE: All premiere dates are subject to change as SAG-AFTRA remains on strike. According to sources, their chief complaint is now "But the WGA got a pony.")
Premieres Wednesday:
Coleen Rooney: The Real Wagatha Story — You don't expect an English football wife to be an online sleuth, but that's what Coleen Rooney became when she fingered fellow WAG Rebekah Vardy for leaking stories about her to the tabloids — stories that, as this docuseries explains, were only accessible via Rooney's private Instagram account. Quoth Mark Zuckerberg: "What's a private account?" (Hulu)
Living for the Dead — Executive producer Kristen Stewart helps put a ghostly spin on the Queer Eye format: Five helpful homos visit haunted places to put the restless dead at peace. They could always reassure them Kylie Minogue is more popular than ever. (Hulu)
Premieres Thursday:
Bodies — Get ready for a murder mystery that bends the space-time continuum, as the same lifeless corpse keeps showing up at various points in English history. Dammit, Morrissey, can't you just go away? (Netflix)
Candy Cruz — Laughs are on the menu when a Mexican woman signs up to compete on a TV cooking show. Working title: Ugly Betty Crocker. (Max)
Captain Laserhawk: A Blood Dragon Remix — The French adapt the video game Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon into an animated series about the fight to liberate a corporate-controlled world in an alternate 1992. See, that's just how I remember the real 1992. Except the liberation part. (Netflix)
Crypto Boy — Desperate to save his father's failing restaurant and earn the old man's respect, a Dutch kid hits on the idea of investing in cryptocurrency. And if that fails, there's always feet pics. (Netflix)
Neon — Florida is the land of opportunity in a comedy series that follows a would-be reggaeton star and his friends from a sleepy small town to the kinetic nightlife of Miami. Once again, the media choose to overlook the myriad satisfactions of life in DeBary. (Netflix)
Scavengers Reign — Animated space merchants land on a planet where the fragile ecology can be deadly to intruders. In the shocking twist ending, they realize they were in the New York subway all the time. (Max)
Teenage Kiss: The Future Is Dead — In a shocking reversal, a Latin American teen goes from outcast to superhero when his very first kiss unlocks the powers he needs to combat a fearsome monster. Gosh, and we were all just relieved we didn't pop a rod. (Max)
Wolf Like Me — Isla Fisher's Mary is pregnant in Season 2, leading her and Josh Gad's Gary to wonder if their kid is going to be normal or a wolf. Maybe they should reserve judgment for a few years, to see if he gets into Andrew Tate. (Peacock)
Premieres Friday:
Big Mouth — The Hormone Monsters have their work cut out for them in Season 7, as the Bridgeton kids advance from junior high to high school. Meanwhile, the cast of Bridgerton needs no help as always. (Netflix)
Creature — This Turkish adaptation of Frankenstein shows a zealous med student and his mentor getting in way over their heads when they try to solve a bunch of public health crises. Over here, the monster you create that way mostly terrorizes school-board meetings. (Netflix)
Doona! — A college student ends up rooming with a retired K-pop idol in a series that gives us all a good indication of just what a Korean record deal must be like. If the royalty rate doesn't even allow you to afford your own pad, BTS are going to end up sharing two rooms at a Red Roof Inn. (Netflix)
Joe Bob's Helloween — As always, the details of Joe Bob's 2023 Halloween double feature are being kept a closely guarded secret. So have fun placing bets with all your friends at reddit.com/r/hostelisachristmasmovie. (Shudder)
Marvel Studios' Werewolf by Night in Color — Hey, remember that one Marvel/Disney+ project that absolutely everybody on the planet loved, partially because they found its old-school black-and-white aesthetic such a satisfying throwback to classic Universal horror? Well, Disney bigwigs have gone and colorized the thing! You know, sometimes I think Iger actually wants to work in a Jiffy Lube. (Disney+)
Night of the Hunted — A late-night stop at the gas station turns to terror for a French woman when she becomes the target of a mysterious shooter. But she should have known something was up when the pumps were festooned with stickers showing Marine Le Pen holding a Remington and proclaiming "I did that!" (Shudder)
Old Dads — Director/co-writer Bill Burr joins Bobby Cannavale and Bokeem Woodbine to play '80s relics experiencing the culture shock of becoming parents later in life. The biggest adjustment: You can't punish these kids by taking their Discman away. (Netflix)
The Pigeon Tunnel — Legendary documentarian Errol Morris trains his unsparing camera on former spy David Cornwell, better known to the world as novelist John le Carré. Doesn't sound terribly revelatory, until you get to the part about his later masquerade as low-level politico "George Santos." (Apple TV+)
Sayen: La Ruta Seca — In the second film of the Sayen trilogy, the titular heroine conscripts new comrades in her war against the corporation that killed her family and is ruining the ecology of Chile. (Whichever of those two infractions would bother you the most hinges on how you really feel about your family). (Prime Video)
Silver Dollar Road — I Am Not Your Negro director Raoul Peck profiles North Carolina's embattled Reels family, whose battle to remain on their own property shines a light on the land grabs that have been perpetuated against Black America since Reconstruction. If you watch from a home in West Winter Park, it qualifies as an immersive experience. (Prime Video)
Surviving Paradise — The latest mildly sadistic reality competition spirits 12 contestants to a swank seaside villa, only for them to learn they'll first have to conquer the surrounding wilderness before they can enjoy it. When Disney does this, they call it themed lodging and charge you $1,000 a night. (Netflix)
Upload — As Season 3 of the sci-fi comedy begins, Nathan has joined Nora in the digital ether, but a copy of him is floating around to satisfy Ingrid's romantic needs. Oh, sure. Now tell me again why I'm guilty of "felony bigamy." (Prime Video)
Vjeran Tomic: The Spider-Man of Paris — The French art thief walks us through his 2010 burglary of the Paris Museum, the capper to a criminal career in which he scaled the walls of galleries and residences like a certain webhead. Expect several sequel docs, because if this guy is really Spider-Man, he has a whole bunch of variants kicking around France. Vive le Spider-Peeg! (Netflix)
Premieres Saturday:
iHeartRadio Fiesta Latina — Coming to you straight from Miami, watch a livestream of this year's performers, including Chayanne, Ricardo Montaner and Fonseca. Or you can catch a Brightline there yourself for a low, low cost that equals only 10 months of Hulu. (Hulu)
Premieres Tuesday:
Get Gotti — This docuseries about the crusade to take down John Gotti is supposedly told from "both sides of the law." Let's see, there's Gotti and there's Rudy Giuliani ... who's on the other side? (Netflix)
Zainab Johnson: Hijabs Off — In her first stand-up special, the Muslim-American comic recalls her childhood in Harlem, where she grew up in a family of 13 children. This is the kind of bit that's going to make no sense after the Supreme Court takes contraception away. I mean, all 26 of your grandkids are just going to shake their heads. (Prime Video)
