(NOTE: All premiere dates remain subject to change as long as the streamers continue to display the self-preservation instincts of Sylvia Plath drunk-texting Kurt Cobain. I'm sorry, "as long as the strikes continue.")
Premieres Wednesday:
Animals Up Close With Bertie Gregory — The National Geographic cinematographer traverses the globe to capture footage of exotic animals doing incredible things we don't always hear about. Hope he got some shots of Mitch McConnell finishing a complete sentence. (Disney+)
Class Act — This dramatized biography of French phenomenon Bernard Tapie cops to playing fast and loose with the details of his careers in business, sports, entertainment and government. But given that Tapie ended up doing time for various illegal practices, playing fast and loose is probably the way to go. It's almost meta. (Netflix)
The Other Black Girl — The mystery novel by Zakiya Dalila Harris becomes a full-fledged series, spotlighting an editorial assistant whose elation at no longer being the only Black woman at her company turns to suspicion of the new hire's agenda. The first worrisome sign: Tim Scott stickers all over her cubicle. (Hulu)
Wrestlers — Plenty of in-ring action enlivens this docuseries about the behind-the-scenes battles to keep Kentucky's debt-ridden Ohio Valley Wrestling operation afloat. But are there really creditors who are willing to risk a submission hold? (Netflix)
Premieres Thursday:
Dragons: The Nine Realms — Season 7 finds our heroes trying to snatch the Book of Dragons away from Buzzsaw to save the life of everyone in Rakke town. If they want to cut off his access to books, they should just enroll him in a Florida school. (Hulu and Peacock)
Premieres Friday:
The Club — Season 2 climaxed with nationalist rioting in the streets of Istanbul, but Matilda nonetheless turned down an opportunity to flee to the United States. And that was pretty good foresight for the heroine of a show set in the 1950s. I mean, have you seen this place lately? (Netflix)
El Conde — Chilean filmmaker Pablo Lorrain revisits the subject of Augusto Pinochet for the fourth time in his career, but this time with a twist: In Lorrain's new film, Pinochet is a literal vampire who has been draining the blood of humanity for over two centuries. Speaking of which, I've always thought it shows gross disregard for our national security that we don't have somebody shoot the corpse of Richard Nixon with a silver bullet every full moon, just to be safe. (Netflix)
Elevator Game — Here's an indie horror flick based on the online pursuit that purportedly teaches followers how to take an elevator to another dimension. This would have been a movie about the Tide Pod Challenge, but all the main characters would be dead by the second act. (Shudder)
Inside the World's Toughest Prisons — Season 7 takes us to houses of incarceration on the Solomon Islands and in Finland, the Czech Republic and Indonesia. Hey, if you really want to know how it feels to be trapped in an establishment that doesn't care about your basic human needs or dignity, I know this place that serves $15 hot dogs. (Netflix)
Lang Lang Plays Disney — Chinese pianist Lang Lang takes to the stage of the Royal Albert Hall to delight the audience with renditions of everything from "When You Wish Upon a Star" to "We Don't Talk About Bruno." Speaking of things we don't talk about, don't ask about the time I hauled my pianist onto the stage of the Royal Albert Hall. (Disney+)
Love at First Sight — Haley Lu Richardson (White Lotus) and Ben Hardy (Bohemian Rhapsody) play young enamoreds who meet on an international flight and then struggle to find each other again. At MCO, they'd be too busy struggling to find their luggage. (Netflix)
A Million Miles Away — Michael Peña inhabits the role of José Hernández, the real-life migrant farmworker turned NASA flight engineer whose personal path took him from rural Mexico to the International Space Station. "Seems pretty involved, when you can just bus 'em to Cape Cod." — Randy Fine. (Prime Video)
Wilderness — A vacation tour of national parks gives a married woman (Jenna Coleman) the ideal opportunity to get back at her husband (Oliver Jackson-Cohen) for his infidelity. Remember, Yogi, it has to look like an accident. (Prime Video)
Premieres Sunday:
The Gold — High Bonneville and Dominic Cooper star in a series dramatization of the 1983 Brink's-Mat robbery, in which £26 million worth of gold, diamonds and cash was liberated from a warehouse near Heathrow Airport. At the time, it was considered the biggest ripoff in history, but only because Solarbabies hadn't come out yet. (Paramount+)
Premieres Monday:
My Little Pony: Make Your Mark — Chapter 5 introduces us to a species of tiny winged ponies called the Breezies. I remember I had a case of that once, before I cut out Cuban food. (Netflix)
Premieres Tuesday:
The Saint of Second Chances — This documentary serves as a redemption lap for baseball owner/promoter Mike Veeck, whose career almost ended due to his participation in his father's 1979 anti-disco promotion at Comiskey Park that turned into a full-scale riot. See, this is why I'm a Mets fan. The only thing we set fire to is our season prospects. (Netflix)
