Netflix rolls out yet another take on ‘Resident Evil,’ wisely choosing to yeet any backstory that gets in the way

click to enlarge The great Lance Reddick as Albert Wesker in "Resident Evil" (Wait, didn't he die?) (Shhhh) - photo courtesy of Netflix Media
photo courtesy of Netflix Media
The great Lance Reddick as Albert Wesker in "Resident Evil" (Wait, didn't he die?) (Shhhh)

Everything new this week on Netflix, Hulu, HBO Max, Shudder, Amazon Prime, Disney+, Paramount+ and Peacock.

Premieres July 13:

Big Timber — With the government providing no help, Kevin will have to find a clever new strategy to keep the family sawmill afloat in Season 2. Speaking on behalf of Marty and Wendy Byrde, I’d like to point out there’s a big gap in the money-laundering market right now. (Netflix)

D.B. Cooper: Where Are You? — Fifty-one years later, can there be anything new to reveal about the infamous skyjacker and thief? Even though the FBI closed his case in 2016, they’re now saying that “citizen sleuths” may finally have solved the mystery. Gotta love those citizen sleuths! Without them, we’d still think Parkland was real. (Netflix)

Solar Opposites — In Season 3, our four extraterrestrials strive to be more of a family — an effort that’s somewhat threatened by Yumyulack’s hobby of shrinking human beings and collecting them like Funko Pops. Worse yet, he lists them on Mercari as “mint in box.” (Hulu)

Premieres July 14:

FBoy Island Season 2 — The top-rated reality show on HBO Max once again assigns three single women the daunting task of distinguishing between nice guys who genuinely want love and cads who are just out for … er, money. But you know those things are inextricably intertwined if you watch Too Marxist to Handle, the top dating show on the Political Voices Network. (HBO Max)

Good Madam — South Africa is the setting for a horror flick in which a Black family has to take care of a creepy old white lady in her home. Gosh, in just four and a half decades, we’ve gone from Burnt Offerings to Offerings That Could Definitely Use More Seasoning. (Shudder)

Hart to Heart — Kevin’s guests in Season 2 include Pete Davidson, Chris Rock, Mark Wahlberg and Mike Tyson. I know what you’re thinking, and yeah, I’d pay good money to be on that airplane too. (Peacock)

Kung Fu Panda: The Dragon Knight — The latest series in the KFP franchise has Po teaming up with an English knight to defeat a couple of weasels who could destroy the world. Listen, I don’t like Silk Sonic any more than the next guy, but I still think that description is a little harsh. (Netflix)

Resident Evil — At this point, there have been so many Resident Evil games, movies and shows that you’d need Google Sheets to keep the mythology straight. Which may be why this new series about a post-apocalyptic future is said to be in its own continuity entirely. Apparently, “its own continuity” is now an accepted synonym for “more holes than the access road to the wiffle-ball plant.” (Netflix)

Victoria’s Secret: Angels and Demons — First they came for Abercrombie & Fitch, and I said nothing. Now they’re coming for Victoria’s Secret in a three-part docuseries that ties the controversial brand to the likes of Jeffrey Epstein. Right, so that’s the first few hours of Ghislaine’s 20-year sentence ironed out; anybody have any good ideas for something meatier she can binge? (Hulu)

Premieres July 15:

Don’t Make Me Go — John Cho plays a terminally ill dad who’s desperate to reunite his daughter with her estranged mother. Listen, John, you don’t have to pull that “fatal diagnosis” business to fob off your kid on somebody. Just say, “I’m sick of listening to BTS,” and the world will understand. (Amazon Prime)

Farzar — A ragtag team of losers have to protect their planet from attacking aliens in an adult animated comedy that’s distinctly NSFW. (That’s “Not Star Fucking Wars.”) (Netflix)

Forever Summer: Hamptons — Reality programming affords us an introduction to a bunch of college kids working as restaurant employees in the toniest area of Long Island. For maximum dramatic potential, the socioeconomic background of the cast ranges from “very rich” to “only rich by real-world standards.” (Amazon Prime)

James May: Our Man in Italy — In the sequel to his Our Man in Japan, James explores Italy’s 2,000-year cultural history, with the expected focus on cool vehicles. Now if he can just keep this World War II motif going, we can all really learn something about Panzers. (Amazon Prime)

Persuasion — Hard-core Jane Austen fans are already sounding the alarm about the fourth-wall-breaking snark that star Dakota Johnson displays in the trailer for this adaptation of the author’s last completed novel. Wait ’til they get a load of Peacock’s big autumn hopeful, Mansfield Parks and Recreation. (Netflix)

Remarriage & Desires — The latest series from South Korea is set inside a matchmaking agency that hooks up ambitious social climbers with members of the ultra-elite. The good news is that if you survive a game of hopscotch without falling to your death, they’ll waive your fee. (Netflix)

Zombies 3 — Just when the human kids had learned to get along with the zombies and the werewolves, along comes a fleet of extraterrestrials to challenge them all in a big cheer competition. Boy, that has to be the longest street name for ketamine I have ever heard. (Disney+)

Premieres July 17:

Blood & Treasure — The action-adventure series whose protagonists are both experts in art theft moves from network TV to streaming for its second season. Star Matt Barr has future commitments that mean the show probably won’t be renewed. But ever since the lead characters cracked that big case at OMA, what’s left to accomplish anyway? (Paramount+)

Premieres July 19:

Aftershock — Onyx Collective and ABC News team up to probe the troubling incidence of Black women dying in childbirth in the modern-day USA. All I can say is, thank goodness we’re putting the brakes on that! (Hulu)

David A. Arnold: It Ain’t for the Weak — For his second Netflix special, the comic returns to his hometown of Cleveland to explain the indignities he’s subjected to in his role as a husband and father. Watch this one after Aftershock, and you’ll know the true definition of “mixed emotions.” (Netflix)

Love IslandModern Family alum Sarah Hyland assumes hosting duties for Season 4, which promises “naughtier” and “sexier” game play for its cast of horny contestants. Watch for the charter boat of evangelicals that will pass by at regular intervals, hauling a sign reading “We will adopt your baby.” (Peacock)

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