Hooray! I love letters from readers, and here's an actual e-mail (as opposed to those ones I occasionally make up) from Leslie Hart of Florida. (Oh, and I've annotated her letter so I can appropriately address each of her concerns after she finishes ripping me a new one. And, just so you know, Rachael Ray is the host of a billion cooking shows and a well-known monster.) Go, Leslie, go!
"To Wm. Steven Humphrey: In regards to last week's article ‘Rachael Ray Go Away'—it's a shame that readers of local publications have to read such crap.1 `Rachael Ray` came from the ranks of the working stiffs, like us, and you have the gall to write an article about her … expressing your opinion about her shows.2 That wasn't an opinion article. It was nothing less than a total lambasting, character bashing, hate full `sic`, critical mud slinging about someone you obviously know nothing about.3 It makes me realize how desperate and shameful publications have become to publicize articles by idiots like you.4 Rachael Ray is on national TV, and where are you? A loud-mouthed bum … writing for a second-rate publication.5 Now you tell me who needs to go away?6 See-ya!!!7"
Now I shall address Leslie's concerns. 1) I completely agree. 2) I completely agree. 3) I completely agree. 4) Totally. I completely agree. 5) I think Leslie means, "WHO are you," but that doesn't take away from the fact that I completely agree. 6) If Leslie means me, then I completely agree. 7) Bye!
That is such an awesome letter, I get giggly every time I read it. However! Even though I agree with every word in Leslie's super-rad letter, I stand by my original thesis — that Rachael Ray is a "monster" who "sounds like a cat being repeatedly flung into a wood chipper." And she doesn't have a neck.
But Leslie makes an interesting point: Should loud-mouthed bums who write for second-rate publications pooh-pooh working-class stiffs with no necks who inexplicably get their own national TV shows? OF COURSE NOT. However, while I'm far too stubborn to take back what I said, I will make the following vow: I shall never, EVER say another disparaging word about working-stiff celebrities for the rest of today's column.
That's right, today I will adopt the old adage that states if I can't say anything nice about someone on television, I won't say anything at all. And since there's only ONE SINGLE PERSON on TV that I truly adore (besides Magnum, P.I.), I will devote the rest of this column to her. It is, of course, the bewitching TAYLOR TOWNSEND (Autumn Reeser) from The O.C.! Hand to God, if you stopped watching The O.C. because Marissa (Mischa Barton) was such a goddamn annoying DRIP, check out this season's episodes, because Townsend has saved this show. She's funny, she's super-hot — and Autumn is such a great actress, she even makes dopey Ryan look good!
So check out The O.C. — ASAP! If nothing else, at least Taylor Townsend has a neck. (OOPS! Sorry, Leslie.)
THURSDAY, DEC. 14
8 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE
In this hour-long episode, Michael blows his stack when there are two competing Christmas parties.
9 p.m. FOX THE O.C.
Yay! It's the annual Chrismukkah episode — this time starring Taylor Townsend! Santa, you answered my prayers!
FRIDAY, DEC. 15
9 p.m. SCI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
In the last new episode before January, the Galactica gang goes mano a mano with those stinking Cylons!
SATURDAY, DEC. 16
8 p.m. CBS ELF
(Movie, 2003) Will Ferrell stars as a gigantic elf in this funny holiday flick.
8 p.m. NBC IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
(Movie, 1946) Jimmy Stewart suffers from wild hallucinations after accidentally ingesting some "Zuzu petals." That shit is hard-core.
SUNDAY, DEC. 17
8 p.m. CBS SURVIVOR: COOK ISLANDS
Season finale! The winner of the Cook Islands edition is announced (finally, we'll see which ethnicity is the best)!
10 p.m. VH1 CELEBRITY PARANORMAL
Evander Holyfield, Julio Iglesias Jr. and Wee-Man from Jackass go ghost-bustin'!
MONDAY, DEC. 18
8 p.m. BRAVO INSIDE THE ACTOR'S STUDIO
Host James Lipton kisses the ass of comedian Eddie Murphy.
9 p.m. NBC IDENTITY
Debut! A new game show hosted by magician Penn Jillette. This is where we say, "O, how the mighty have fallen!"
TUESDAY, DEC. 19
8 p.m. FOX HOUSE
Dr. House gets shot by a disgruntled patient; no one in the world is surprised.
9:30 p.m. TVLAND WHAT'S HAPPENING!
In this classic episode, Raj, Rerun and Doo-wayne are scolded for scalping tickets by honky guest stars the Doobie Brothers!
WEDNESDAY, DEC. 20
8 p.m. CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Check out the British version of this hilariously hokey show. It's FIERCE, luv!
Leslie! Write back soon!