Ana de Armas is an avant-garde Marilyn in 'Blonde,' expectations are high for 'Hocus Pocus 2' and more streaming premieres

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Ana de Armas as Marilyn Monroe
Ana de Armas as Marilyn Monroe image courtesy Netflix

What's new on Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime and all the rest.

Premieres Wednesday:

Blonde — Ana de Armas plays the title role in this avant-garde biopic predicated on the idea that "Marilyn Monroe" may have been a patriarchalist invention that stifled the real Norma Jean Baker. Huh! That sounds so crazy it just might be true. Just nobody try to deconstruct Joey Heatherton, or I'm taking hostages. (Netflix)

The D'Amelio Show — In Season 2, the D'Amelio family deals with the life changes brought about by their daughters' unprecedented success on TikTok. The first sign of trouble: Younger child Charli declares her intention to snag more male followers by adopting the identity "Ana de Armas." (Hulu)

Eat the Rich: The GameStop Saga — Believe it or not, a woman actually left me for one of those Redditors who made a whole bunch of money in the GameStop short squeeze of early 2021. So you can bet I'm going to be monitoring this docuseries about the whole tawdry affair with keen interest. And when I say "monitoring with keen interest," I mean "getting a prompt from Netflix that reads 'You seem to be affixing a noose to the rafters. Do you want to keep watching?'" (Netflix)

Too Hot to Handle: Brazil — A second season of self-denial sees Brazilian hotties competing for a cool 100 grand, with the prize pot going down every time they engage in some sort of physical affection. Thank goodness we have this franchise to identify the precise dollar value of intimacy, because it saves us all a trip to OBT. (Netflix)

Premieres Thursday:

Dragons: Rescue Riders: Heroes of the Sky — Season 4 begins with an infestation of metal-eating baby dragons and ends with a case of mass amnesia. And in retrospect, I'm sure everybody wishes that's how Game of Thrones had ended as well. (Peacock)

The Empress — Austrian history supplies the source material for a German-made miniseries that shows one Elisabeth "Sisi" von Wittelsbach (Devrim Lingnau) receiving the cold shoulder from the Habsburg family she's just married into. But they have to learn to live with her, because it's the 1850s and there's no paparazzi they can pay to bump her off and make it look like an accident. (Netflix)

Looney Tunes Cartoons Halloween Special — The recently previewed "Hex Appeal" is part of a collection of shorts that prove these characters still have a home on the rapidly imploding HBO Max. As long as you don't read too much into that shot of David Zaslav burning Witch Hazel at the stake. (HBO Max)

Sissy — A bachelorette weekend is the launching pad to horror and comedy as a woman seeks revenge on the supposed BFF who replaced her with another girl. Honestly, I liked Bridesmaids better when the only parts that qualified as horror were the scenes the dudes wrote. (Shudder)

Premieres Friday:

The Amber Ruffin Show — The first five episodes of Season 3 herald some big changes for the Seth Meyers spin-off, including its first-ever live audience. Picked up by the house mic: "We can't say 'shrill' anymore, right?" (Peacock)

Entergalactic — Kid Cudi celebrates the release of his new album with a tie-in animated special about an artist who finds himself falling for a photographer just as his career is about to take off. As opposed to most artists, who only fall in love with the camera. (Netflix)

Floor Is Lava — The lava is allegedly even hotter in Season 3 — a tongue-in-cheek boast to be sure, given that the competitors are actually navigating a lukewarm substance that's been likened to Panda Express orange sauce. In related news, I've finally updated my Tinder profile. (Netflix)

Get Rolling With Otis Season 2 — Otis the Tractor returns for a another helping of the can-do spirit that makes him a beloved fixture at the Long Hill Dairy Farm. And to think that elsewhere in the multiverse, he's nothing more than the Mayberry town drunk. (Apple TV+)

The Greatest Beer Run Ever — It's 1967, and ex-Marine Zac Efron is on a mission to bring beer and other reminders of home to his buddies who are still serving in 'Nam. Does this mean we're one day going to have to watch Nick Jonas deliver Domino's to Baghdad? (Apple TV+)

Hocus Pocus 2 — All of your friends who knew the exact date their local Spirit Halloween was going to open this year are on tenterhooks about Hocus Pocus 2, hoping Disney hasn't made a sucky sequel to the cult-favorite flick (which, they will privately admit, actually kind of sucked to begin with). The Sanderson Sisters and Billy Butcherson are back to wreak more mischief, with Orlando's own Ginger Minj in tow to put a drag spin on the material. Wait, that wasn't drag they were doing all along? (Disney+)

Human Playground — Idris Elba narrates a docuseries that demonstrates how sports and recreation act as society's glue across the globe. Exhibit A: Look at how many good people from all walks of life have been united by their hatred of Tom Brady. (Netflix)

My Best Friend's Exorcism — If Stranger Things hasn't slaked your thirst for teen horror stories set in the '80s, here's an adaptation of Grady Hendrix's novel about demonic possession in the days of the Trapper Keeper. Hendrix has reportedly described the source material as "Beaches meets The Exorcist," so I guess that makes Bette Midler the Lovecraftian Elder God of Halloween 2022. (Amazon Prime)

Phantom Pups — In this family comedy series, a Canadian kid discovers his new home is haunted by three ghost dogs, whom he then tries to restore to corporeality. Excuse me? You find out you've inherited a trio of undead canines, and all you can think about is making them real again? You're supposed to have them terrorize your enemies for you, Gordie! (Netflix)

Queer for Fear: A History of Queer Horror — Executive producer Bryan Fuller gifts us with four documentary episodes that follow the history of LGBTQ representation in horror. The odds in favor of an appearance by Fuller's former collaborator, Bryan Singer: 1 in 666. (Shudder)

Rainbow — Spain offers its own take on The Wizard of Oz, with teen heroine Dora leaving home for the big city in order to indulge her musical talent. Now all it needs is a Black mermaid, and the fake reviews will write themselves! (Netflix)

Ramy — In Season 3, Ramy's New Jersey family faces the fallout of having sacrificed their spiritual health to get ahead in business. Which are exactly the sort of doubts you can afford to have when you've gotten ahead in business. (Hulu)

Wolfboy and the Everything Factory — Season 2 hinges on the discovery of a basement level below the Factory, where workers produce "all of the destruction in the universe." So you mean CPAC is back to having only one location again? (Apple TV+)

Premieres Saturday:

Huluween Dragstravaganza — America's favorite cross-dressing superstars celebrate the spooky season in an old-fashioned variety special. Ideal viewing for anybody who starts to get twitchy when they have to go more than 24 hours without looking at Ginger Minj. (Hulu)

Mad God Ghoul Log — This year's holiday stare-a-thon is brought to us by Phil Tippett, with visuals inspired by his recently released stop-motion nightmare, Mad God. Because there may be one or two of you out there who thought that thing didn't go far enough. (Shudder)

Premieres Monday:

A Sinister Halloween Scary Opposites Solar Special — John Kassir of Tales From the Crypt provides guest voiceovers as the Solar Opposites crew celebrate Halloween by resurrecting a corpse from the local cemetery. Oh good, I had been hoping Daniel Powter would find work. (Hulu)

Premieres Tuesday:

Hasan Minhaj: The King's Jester — In his second Netflix special, Minhaj favors a Brooklyn audience with his thoughts on rites of passage that are familiar to all of us, like becoming a dad and meeting with representatives of the Saudi government. Hey, I'd be hard-pressed to say which one feels more like taking a bone saw to the femur. (Netflix)

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