The Sex Issue

Seven reasons why our annual Sex Issue is in the form of a nonsensical jumble of lists, instead of jam-packed with salacious photos of attractive models engaged in simulated sexual congress:/p>

1) After the Super Bowl halftime fiasco, Orlando Weekly is now printed on a five-second delay

2) Staff believes that kids these days don't use their imaginations nearly enough. Picture this: full, wet, luscious lips, slightly parted. Mmmmmm, sexy

3) Baptists

4) Leaves more room for photos of bananas, meat sticks, roses and the like

5) It's alternative, man

6) Everybody knows that readers get all the chicks

7) The brain is, by far, your sexiest organ. All those lobes, hemispheres, convolutions .... Mmmmm, sexy

Food AND body part:

• Melons
• Meat stick
• Onion
• Cupcakes
• Cherry
• Buns
• Nuts
• Huevos
• Milk jugs
• Muffins
• Tossed salad
• Teabag
• Pie (see also: Eskimo Pie)
• Grits (you know, for kissin')
• Everlasting Gobstopper

—Deb Berry, Micky Michalec , Jessica Bryce Young

Phrases/sentences in the newspaper that made us snicker:

1) "NASA's Spirit rover extended its robotic arm." (Kansas City Star, Jan. 17)
2) "Piazza received the biggest cheer from the few fans that stopped by, smiling shyly as he tucked his hands into his jeans." (The New York Times, Jan. 21)
3) "Spirit breaks out its 'Swiss army knife,' gets down to probing." (The Associated Press, Jan. 20)
4) "Spirit extended its robotic arm and placed its drilling tool against the surface." (The Age, Jan. 22)
5) "Powell rebukes Dems for criticizing Bush" ( headline, Jan. 22)
6) "Ashcroft would have heard that the middle-level person was offering to finger the high-level leaker." (, Jan. 7)
7) "U.S. Army: Saddam's hole may be destroyed" (San Jose Mercury News headline, Jan. 23)
8) "It's a valuable tool, but they need to be used carefully," John Costas, chief executive and chairman of UBS Investment Bank. (The Associated Press, Jan. 22)
9) "Spending bill swells on diet of pork" (Associated Press headline, Jan. 20)

—Deb Berry, Steve Schneider, Jessica Bryce Young

Five things hookers don't do with clients, but wish they did, according to

1) Come for real
2) Lick food off client
3) Turn up in regular clothes
4) Imitate animals
5) Imitate characters from "The Simpsons"

—Jessica Bryce Young

Seven books that have a sexy reputation, but are in fact unutterably boring:
1) "Venus in Furs," Leopold Sacher-Masoch
2) "Fanny Hill," or "Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure," John Cleland
3) Justine, Marquis de Sade
4) "Empire of the Senseless," Kathy Acker
5) "Story of the Eye," Georges Bataille
6) "The Rainbow," D.H. Lawrence
7) "Forever," Judy Blume

—Jessica Bryce Young

Four customer reviews of Juli Ashton's Anal Beginner's Kit, which consists of anal plugs of varying sizes and a tube of lubricant:

1) "I bought it and never thought I would love it up the ass as much as I have."
2) "Juli says that vibrator is rubber-wrapped for anal usage, but honey, that thing just won't fit in my ass. Luckily, I have other places to use it ... "
3) "was never wild about the idea of anal sex ... was I WRONG! never had so many orgasms in one night. moved quickly from the small to the large....mmmm :)"
4) "Only thing that could make it better is a vibrating egg to stick inside the large plug."

—Jason Ferguson

Eleven sex-related spam headers we liked:

1) Amplify your cock, today!
2) Women drive men crazy naturally!!
3) cane dunkirk kittenish
4) GrowAGiant freakpenis!
5) menstruate mescaline jeroboam paramus pitiful
6) beef up the size of your johns0n!
7) admire the creamcoloured
8) go entire wknd! sukpmjwab cqbgipen
9) STILL NO LUCK ENRGAILNG IT? Our 2 pcodruts will work for you!
10) ectopic climax vortex cuttlebone
11) wommann paid to dooo aminalls

Nine inappropriate props for role-playing:

1) Wood chipper
2) Venomous snake
3) Shin guards
4) Troll dolls
5) Rhyming dictionary
6) Flamethrower
7) Jumper cables
8) "Bananas in Pajamas" video
9) Dragstrip staging light tree

Sexy Unsexy
Twins Quintuplets
Cello Glockenspiel
Rodan Mothra
Jon Stewart Dennis Miller
Deli-sliced honey ham Headcheese
Vintage robots Furbies
'66 Mustangs '76 Pintos
Skipper Barbie
Arugula Iceberg lettuce
The Professor Mr. Howell
Roller disco NASCAR
Iggy Pop So-Cal punk
Walkie talkies Cell phones
Tinky Winky Barney
Ambrosia salad Coleslaw
Levi's and T-shirts Metrosexuality
Kissing Kissing Dick Cheney
Atomic Fireballs That hard candy grandmothers give you
"Fight Club" "The Bridges of Madison County"
Hitting the bong Mainlining heroin
The Nation The National Review

Two photographers ahead of (and behind) the curves:

1) Bunny Yeager: Her photo of Bettie Page lounging on the deck of a speedboat is the only shot I've seen in which Bettie looks like she's actually happy to be there. While working as a "figure model" in the early '50s, Bunny "perfected the use of the self-timer"; in '53, she appeared on the cover of U.S. Camera with the headline "World's Prettiest Photographer." The book "Bunny's Honeys" (Taschen) contains luscious shots of Britt Rogers, Suzanne Moran and Danny Sutton, among many others.

2) Bernard of Hollywood: It must run in the family. Susan Bernard, star of Russ Meyer's "Faster, Pussycat, Kill! Kill!," is now the curator of her father's legacy: a treasure trove of glamour shots from the days of tease, not sleaze. Bruno Bernard, known as "Bernard of Hollywood," shot Jayne Mansfield, Lili St. Cyr, Brigitte Bardot, and hundreds of other girls, but he made them all look like ladies.

—Jessica Bryce Young

Edible sex: 10 sources

1) Pop Rocks: If you're anything like me -- and I hope for your sake you're not -- you probably learned the sensual appeal of Pop Rocks at age 14, while kissing your crush in the dark gangway between your houses. With Pop Rocks in your mouths, of course. Ah, the '70s.

2) Anatomically Correct Mints: What better way to get minty fresh breath than to suck on a pecker? A Peppermint Pecker, that is. Pert Peppermint Nipples are available also, and both come in nifty collectible tins. (

3) Sex Indian Style: For those who want their sex edibles kitsch-free, the Kama Sutra company hosts a huge line of fragrant, edible potions for makin' sweet, sweet love. (

4) Chocolate Obscenity: These molded chocolates by the Erotic Chocolate Shoppe will get you arrested in 47 states. Especially if you're caught in possession of the "Rear Window," "Sweet Head" or "Lickety Split." (

5) Masterbakers: A bakery like no other, this NYC landmark bakes such tumescent wonders as the "John Holmes," the "Dolly" and the "Russ Meyer." Warning: This isn't the type of thing you want to bring to Grandma's house for Thanksgiving dinner. Not unless Grandma is Marilyn Chambers. (

6) Rude Food: British company Spencer & Fleetwood defy the widespread belief that the English are sexually repressed. The proof of their libidinous nature lies in their "Chocolate Willies" and "Naughty Nipples."(

7) X-Rated Pasta: Although not likely to become a big hit amongst devout Roman Catholic households, "Titaroni" and "Mama Peckeroni" pastas will make Sunday dinners a whole lot more interesting among us sinners. (

8) Artist's Canvas: "I'd like to paint you sometime," just took on a whole new meaning as a pick-up line. Edible body paints will make a Van Gogh out of the clumsiest of lovers -- if you're lucky. (

9) Sex Kola: Move over Pepsi -- there's a new bitch in town and man, is she hot. Sex Kola is quite possibly the coolest soda ever made. Each bottle -- in flavors such as "Oral Orange" and "Discipline" -- is adorned with lusty pin-up girls of the 1950's, and the sugar-free drinks are enhanced with an herbal aphrodisiac. (

10) The Way to a Man's Heart: They say it's through his stomach -- but not if you're serving up cans of SpaghettiOs with a side of Beenie Weenie. These "aphrodisiac recipes" from Marina Malvezzi are meant to "create an atmosphere of romance and passion." (

—Deb Berry

Seven plausible explanations for my not knowing what a Brazilian bikini wax was until a co-worker recently told me:

1) Not from Brazil
2) Don't ask don't tell
3) My hirsute friend Harris who looks fabulous in a Speedo
4) Not able to contemplate what would have to be one of the worst jobs in the world
6) Never mentioned in Highlights magazine
7) Iron Maiden

—Bob Whitby

Two similarities between George W. Bush and a trashy street hooker:

1) Both are really cagey when it comes to discussing STDs

2) Both are primarily interested in taking your money; fucking you is just a bonus

—Jason Ferguson

Seven myths about chlamydia

1) Comes from clams
2) Can be cured by a sudden scare
3) In Japanese culture, main symptom is addressed as "honorable discharge"
4) Newborns can get it, but only from other, totally easy newborns
5) Is carried aloft on wings of doves
6) Researchers consider it "the thinking man's gonorrhea"
7) Is reason your dad spent last summer sleeping in garage

—Steve Schneider

Six crucial distinctions

1) Barely legal/barely breathing
2) Lap dance/Riverdance
3) Bukkake/shiitake
5) Abstinence/unpopularity
6) Cock-fighting ring/cock-ring fighting

—Steve Schneider

Seven movies that sound filthy but aren't:

1) Operation Snatch
2) Above the Rim
3) Great Balls of Fire!
4) The Honey Pot
5) The Big Bang
6) Touching the Void
7) VeggieTales: Dave and the Giant Pickle

Four movies that don't sound filthy but are:

1) Behind the Green Door
2) Boogie Nights
3) Bolero
4) Anal Fuckfest: Rock Hard

Four movies that could be filthy with just a little help:

1) Member of the Wedding
2) The Tender Trap
3) Comes a Horseman
4) The Milagro Beanfield War

—Steve Schneider

Five Kinky Quotes from the Bible

1) "A loving doe, a graceful deer -- may her breasts satisfy you always." (Proverbs 5:19)
2) "She began whoring worse than ever, remembering her girlhood, where she had played the whore in the land of Egypt, when she had been infatuated by profligates big-membered as donkeys, ejaculating as violently as stallions. You were hankering for the debauchery of your girlhood, when they used to handle your nipples in Egypt and fondle your young breasts." (Ezekiel 23:18-21)
3) "And Ahithophel said to Absalom, Go in unto thy father's concubines, which he hath left to keep the house, and all Israel shall hear that thou art abhorred of thy father ... so they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel." (II Samuel 16:21, 22)
4) "When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the Lord thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive, And thou seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and has a desire unto her, that thou wouldst have her to thy wife, Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails ... and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife." (Deuteronomy 21:11, 13)
5) "But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?" (II Kings 18:27)

—Jason Ferguson

You know the evening was a downer when you hear:

1) "Let's forgive and forget"
2) "Tomorrow's another day"
3) "God helps those who help themselves"
4) "Do you mind if I go out for a little while?"

—Lindy T. Shepherd

Eight pubic hairstyles:

1) Hitler's mustache
2) Airstrip
3) Heart
4) Diamond
5) Club
6) Afro-puffs
7) American pie
8) Kilroy was here (men only)

Seven foods to avoid when you're not getting laid

1) Doughnuts
2) Hot dogs
3) Bananas
4) Fish tacos
5) Vichyssoise
6) All-day suckers
7) Edible underwear

—Jessica Bryce Young

Six reasons why I hate this issue:

1) My wife will read it.
2) My boss will read it.
3) His boss will read it.
4) The mayor will read it. (OK, maybe not.)
5) Thousands of random strangers will read it.
6) They will all realize that deep inside me lurks a seriously deviant freak, thus ending any political ambitions I may harbor. (OK, maybe not.)

—Jeffrey C. Billman

Sex toys as extreme sport

The Liberator: Contrary to what he would have us believe, this isn't George W. Bush's nickname in Iraq. Nor is it the title of Arnold Schwarzenegger's next movie. This cushiony "bedroom adventure" gear -- designed to create "new angles on sex," if you get the picture -- comes in four shapes: "Wedge," "Ramp," "Stage" and "Cube." Hope you remember your basic geometry. (

Sex swings: "The Spinning Sex Swing," "The Swingtree" and the "Bungee Sexperience Swing." Yikes. Sounds dangerous. Yet the makers swear that the latter invention is the "Porsche of sex swings." Does that mean it's an overpriced status symbol for men with small penises in a midlife crisis? (

Anal glass dildos: Glass? Going up your anal cavity? If you were to see the "Glass Quadruple Scoop" or the "Glass Blueball Explorer," you would run screaming long before you knew where your partner intended to put them. The manufacturers, however, hail the fact that these glass intruders can "withstand extreme temperatures." That's great if I'm baking a lasagna. But can they withstand shattering into tiny pieces while up my ass? That's the real litmus test for me. (

The Pinwheel: It sounds innocuous enough but actually looks like a lethal, sharp torture device. Also called the "Wartenberg Wheel," it was originally developed by neurologists to test nerve response. My response, if someone tried to use one on me, would be a swift kick in the teeth. (

Marquis de Clips: A product that appropriately alludes to the Marquis de Sade, who liked to inflict extreme physical pain on women who were usually bound and gagged. Marquis de Clips are, well, just try to imagine if someone put a bunch of black binder clamps on your unmentionables. Ouch is right. (

Electro-torture: Yes, it does sound like something Saddam Hussein used on the Kurds. But in fact "electro torture" is a very real practice reputed to be quite pleasurable -- if you're someone who derives pleasure from being zapped with jolts of electricity by such gadgets as "violet wands" or "medical electrodes." (

The Double Dolphin: OK, I think it goes on like this. Nope, that's not it. Let's try this. Ow! What do I do with this part? It's got this thingy on one side, and another thingy on the other side, and this hole thingy in the middle ... oh, for God's sake, how the hell does this thing work? (

The Blue Snake Flexible Probe: Well, it's blue, and it's snakey, and it's long, and it's big and, um, no one's getting anywhere near me with that thing. (

Cheap fuckers: No, I'm not talking about the last three guys you dated. I'm talking about guys who are either too cheap or too broke to buy real sex toys and have to make their own, which requires a sense of sexual adventure in itself. The "Homemade Sex Toys" site gives instructions -- only for the very daring -- on how to make a fake vagina out of a honeydew melon. It also gives instructions on how to properly perform cunnilingus, which seems absurd, since any guy who's fucking a melon is never going to get anywhere near a real vagina. (

—Deb Berry

A hot name from the Sprint Central ...

Florida White Pages, 2000 edition, for every letter in the alphabet (two for K) except E, I, J, Q, V and X:

Assenheimer, John
Beever, E.E.
Colon, Margarita
Diggler, Dirk
Fox, Una
Gambs, Arthur Jr.
Horney, M.
Kneer, Dawn
Kuntz, Louvina
Long, Peter
Mountz, Amanda
Nixon, Richard M.
Orefice, L.
Pounder, Frankie
Rumping, Bernard
Stacks, Kathy
Strokin, J.S.
Treat, Orfilia
Urrioloa, Carlos
Weiner, S.
Young, Dick
Zipper, Regina

—Bob Whitby

Four subjects that make men uncomfortable:

1) Hair loss
2) His relationship with his mother
3) Where his ex-girlfriend lives
4) Bloody birthing stories with a placenta twist

Four subjects that make women uncomfortable:

1) How exercise can really shape you up
2) Inane commentary while fumbling for money
3) Inane commentary while fumbling for sex
4) Any mention of "meat curtains"

—Lindy T. Shepherd

Three reasons why a camp for Christian nudists in Florida is a bad idea

1) They're Christian 2) They're nudists 3) It's Florida

—Jason Ferguson

Ten fetishes you don't want to know about

1) Feederism: Fat-bottomed girls really do make the rockin' world go 'round -- that is, if you're in the world of "feederism," or "erotic feeding." The "feeder" gets off on providing enormous amounts of tasty treats to the "feedee," and both get a sexual high from the whole arrangement. Man, how can I get a piece of this action? (
2) Ballbusting: I have been called a ballbuster on many an occasion. But the next time someone calls me that, I'm gonna show them the true meaning of "ballbusting," as defined by the fetish community. And I've got the stilettos to do it right. (
3) Vomit: What do you get when you cross a bulimic with an emetophile? The perfect relationship. Fans of will tell you so. Frankly, this is one fetish that makes me wanna puke. (
4) Clowns: Send them in, tied and pied, 'cause that's just how clown fetishists like them. After all, what's hotter than a big red nose, massive clown shoes and clown makeup? Oh, that's right -- anything. (
5) Plushy: Serious practitioners can get specially made plush toys with conveniently placed orifices, like the very popular Japanese-made "Softy" ( The less devout can opt for sex with a big, fluffy Donald Duck or Pikachu. It's all kinds of wrong. (
6) Robots: Although most robot fetishists might prefer a real robot, they have to settle for men or women who take on a robotic persona while performing sex acts. This is what happens when you're 31 years old and still living in your parents' basement, collecting Star Trek toys and watching reruns of Battlestar Galactica. (
7) Smoking: Lung cancer and emphysema never looked so erotic. For these people, Philip Morris is the only tool they need for hot sex. You've heard the phrase "Blow it out your ass"? Well, these people really do. (
8) Infantalism: These grown men and women revert to infant behavior for their sexual kicks. They wear diapers (and really go in them), drink from baby bottles, suck on their thumbs. What the hell has to happen in early childhood to cause this? (
9) Coprophilia: Here's where the shit really hits the fan. I mean, it actually hits the fan. And the couch. And the lamp. And anyone in close proximity. It has to be actual crap, though. Used copies of Mariah Carey's Glitter do not count. (
10) Ophidicism: Some women do this with snakes. That's as far as I'm going with that description. Let's just say it makes coprophilia look like a tea party.

—Deb Berry

Five reasons why the "Kama Sutra" is lame:

1) The movie "Kama Sutra."
2) Products like the "Kama Sutra Ambrosia Oil of Love."
3) "Legitimate" book titles like Arousing the Goddess: Sex and Love in the Buddhist Ruins of India.
4) Passages in the real Kama Sutra like, "In the same way can be carried on the congress of a dog, the congress of a goat, the congress of a deer, the forcible mounting of an ass, the congress of a cat, the jump of a tiger, the pressing of an elephant, the rubbing of a boar and the mounting of a horse. And in all these cases the characteristics of these different animals should be manifested by acting like them." Zzzzzzzzz.
5) Sting.

—Jason Ferguson

Five common necrophiliac cop-outs

1) "Sorry, I'm just dead tired"
2) "Does it seem cold in here to you?"
3) "You remind me of my mother -- she went in '93"
4) "My ex wasn't much for conversation"
5) "Can't we just cuddle and watch a Kate Hepburn movie?"

—Steve Schneider

Ten Items for girls only

1) Orgasms by Hello Kitty: Long thought to be an urban legend, the pink-and-white Hello Kitty vibrator is as real as the president's I.Q. is low. Easily passed off as a "shoulder massager" (yeah, right), this little lady packs a powerful punch. (
2) Kinky Kuties Bikini Undies: Designed by artist Lisa Petrucci, these irresistibly playful panties (in red, black and pink) depict her famous "Kuties," characters based on Liddle Kiddles dolls. But the best part happens when you take them off (nudge nudge, wink wink). (
3) Vinnie's Tampon Cases: Though he's an unlikely peddler of women's hygiene products, Vinnie makes it finally possible to be proud of our periods. He describes his tampon cases as a "menstruation product that announces itself with authority." Not something Mom would have carried in her day, believe you me. (
4) Pussy Pucker: You put this stuff on your lips. No, not those lips -- the ones on your face. but with flavors like "Vanilla Vulva," "Clitoris Citrus" and "Strawberry Snatch," it's easy to get confused. (
5) Little Bunny Foo Foo: Most gals were introduced to "The Rabbit" when the prudish Charlotte on Sex and the City started having an obsessive affair with it, shunning real men for the comforts of the funny bunny. It's as unintimidating a sex toy can get, and, as Charlotte says, "It's pink! For girls!" (
6) Dirty Girl: There's a dirty girl hiding somewhere inside every girl. Even if it's just your mind that's dirty. This line of soaps, massage oils, cosmetics and body powders is dedicated to just such girls. (
7) I Rub My Duckie: Rubber duckie, he's the one who makes bath time lots of fun. So much fun that you'll never want to leave the tub after playing with the vibrating I Rub My Duckie bath toy. Quack, quack, oooohhh yeeaahhh, quuaaacckkk ... (
8) Masturbation 101: Girls are not supposed to touch themselves in their naughty place, right? Puh-lease. Almost all of us do it, but for those gals out there who are still too inhibited -- or still too Catholic -- to really love themselves, Sex for One by Dr. Betty Dodson is the perfect crash course for overcoming your inhibitions and ignorance of your body. Be the master of your own domain, ladies. (
9) Protect Your Valuables: There's nothing worse than a chilly vibrator, so "Tricky" the vibe cozy will not only disguise your favorite toy as a fuzzy alien with horns, but it will also keep it warm until your next date with it. (
10) John Mayer's Room for Squares CD: What's better, dating some fuckwit who never picks up the check and goes comatose after 90 seconds of crass bonking, or John Mayer crooning these delicious words: "Your skin like porcelain/ One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue/ ... if you want love/ we'll make it swimming ina deep sea of blankets ... ." Never forget, your body truly is a wonderland.

—Deb Berry

Four reasons men said they couldn't get it up with Deborah Hargis, author of "Your Legs Are Too Long: Getting Beyond Excuses for Erectile Dysfunction:"

1) "Your legs are too long"
2) "I need to get my act together"
3) "I need something extra to have an orgasm"
4) She's obnoxiously critical

—Jessica Bryce Young

Four things to do (besides have sex) when you need to be touched:

1) Pay for a hair-wash and blow-dry
2) Visit the emergency room
3) Shop at the New Age-y Spiral Circle Bookstore
4) Attend services an at AME church

—Lindy T. Shepherd

The 11 horniest blogs I know

1) Peep Show Stories: Pagan Moss, leader of the Sensual Liberation Army, dishes up an intimate look at the world of real-life sex workers in a Seattle peep show. And you don't need to put any quarters in slots to have a peep. (
2) Pornblography: Carly, a former associate editor of Adult Video News, now turns tricks on her blog, publishing her musings on every aspect of sex, with particular attention to the porn industry. (
3) Newlywed Nympho: Sophia, a newlywed, bares all -- very explicitly -- about her sex life with hubby Sam. We'll be monitoring to see if this journal is still as hot when it turns into the "Been in the Same Dull Marriage for 30 Years" blog. (
4) GeekSlut: "Geek. Soldier. Slut." is how "Geek" describes himself. Don't ask, don't tell? Not this G.I. -- he's not just telling, but he's bending over for just about anything with a pulse. "A glimpse of the American horn dog" is what he's peddling. God bless America. (
5) The Orgy: Characters under such monikers as "She Bangs," "Trouble" and "Jesusfuck" gather for a group tell-all on this graphic blog. If these pornographic narratives don't turn you on even a little, you must be flatlining. (
6) KillBunnie23: Ms. Bunnie was a member of the Michael Alig/James St. James NYC clubland back in its heyday. She is, in a sense, one of its survivors. Having given up that world, she retains a strong sense of sexuality and seems most comfortable seminude in front of a camera. (
7) Hardcore Victorian's Journal: This mostly visual blog pays homage to vintage porn and erotica. The works of everyone from Aubrey Beardsley to Elmer Batters can find solace here. (
8) Henry and June: Although it was Anaâ?¢s Nin whom Henry Miller really got it up for, in the case of this particular blog, it's definitely June that's heating things up. (
9) Suburban Sex Blog: Ken describes himself as a "married with children, 30-something, sexually deprived suburban dweller." A fascinating venture into the mind of an ordinary schlub in a sexless marriage. (
10) Naughty Little Housewife: This is the gal Mr. Suburban Sex Blog wishes he had married. The nymphomaniacal Mrs. X makes public all her "dirty thoughts and slutty confessions." Things Mrs. X wants you to know about her: She was raised Catholic; she had sex with the entire high-school football team in one semester; and she graduated Summa Cum Laude from college. Smart and slutty. Meee-ooww. (
11) True Porn Clerk Stories: Although a few years old and no longer active, this journal deserves props. Told from the viewpoint of Ali Davis, a porn-shop clerk, these hilarious tales of nosepicking customers, the confounding appeal of abnormally huge penises, and the store's most loathed customer, "Mr. Pig," guarantee gut-busting laughs. (

—Deb Berry

Nine pornography terms I had no idea existed, but now wish I had never heard of
(from the glossary at

1) Agalmatophilia: becoming excited by statues or mannequins.
2) Anal Flower: The unusual ability of a performer to expel their anus, popping it outside of their body. The resulting (disgusting) picture looks like a budding rose (in a gross anal sort of way). Mila is the most well-known flower-popper.
3) Creampie: Internal money shot (both anal and vaginal).
4) Dendrophilia: A desire to have sex with trees.
5) Footing: Insertion of some or all of a foot into a vagina or anus.
6) Formicophilia: Being aroused by insects crawling on your genitals.
7) Jawbreaker: Dental tool used to pry open and keep open jaws. Cinematographers such as Max Hardcore have found a way to use it in porn movies.
8) Oculolinctus: Fetish for licking someone else's eyeballs.
9) Smoking, vaginal: A female performer smoking a cigar or cigarette during a scene... with her vagina.

—Jason Ferguson

Three provocative televised sports:

1) Wrestling, for its man-on-man action, crotch holds and injuries
2) NBA basketball for its chest thumping, taking it to the hole and penetrating the defense
3) Football for its ass-slapping, tackling, completing a pass and scoring

—Lindy T. Shepherd

Five worst things to hear your partner say during sex:

1) "One, Mississippi ..."
2) "Sorry, you're on my armpit hair."
3) "Do or do not. There is no try."
4) "Your ass looks like ass."
5) "We're going to South Carolina! We're going to Oklahoma! We're going to Arizona, North Dakota and New Mexico! AAAAHHHHHHH!"

—Steve Schneider

Ten women with pussy power

1) Annie Sprinkle: A lifelong crusader of the cliterati, Sprinkle earned her name as a result of a certain "talent" she displayed in her early days as a porn star in the 1970s. Moving on to become a performance artist, photographer and Ph.D., the inimitable Ms. Sprinkle continues to raise the bar on sexual culture. (
2) Jenna Jameson: Perhaps the most fiscally successful porn queen of all time, Jenna Jameson turned the corporate male establishment on its ear when she was featured in Forbes magazine for her marketing savvy and financial prowess. The larger-than-life adult-film star has managed to build an entire empire based on her carnal aptitude, even inspiring Jenna action figures and nodders. (
3) Dita Von Teese: Although she's best known as Marilyn Manson's girlfriend, model and burlesque performer Dita Von Teese has been a longtime favorite among pin-up enthusiasts. Preferring Victorian corsetry and 1950s-style bloomers over whatever bra Tyra Banks is pushing for Victoria's Secret, Von Teese is on the front lines of a movement to revive the whimsy and innocence of pinup foremothers like Bettie Page and Lili St. Cyr. (
4) Junko Mizuno: The Japanese are well known for their ability to fuse the sweet with the smutty. Take the Hello Kitty vibrator, for instance, or Badtz Maru condoms. Junko Mizuno takes that sensibility to unchartered heights with her bold and completely unique "Hell Babies" characters such as "Meaty Pair Minnie" and "Miss Alice Cooper." (
5) Camille Paglia: She has been dubbed everything from a "motormouth" to an "academic Rottweiler." For years, the greater whole of the traditional feminist community has shunned her, especially as she continues to accuse the movement of betraying women's free will, alienating men and replacing substantive dialogue with politically correct rhetorical bullshit. But Paglia remains strong in the face of what she perceives as feminist puritanism. Like a true soldier, she fights for the things that matter: sex, porn and the right of women to dance naked around steel poles. She has authored numerous books including "Sex, Art, and American Culture" and "Vamps and Tramps."
6) Tristan Taormino: This Village Voice columnist, sexologist, porn producer, fetish model and author of "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women," Tristan Taormino unabashedly delves into all the little details of sex that most people are too scared to even ask about. (
7) The caged women of PETA: They stripped down to nothing and painted themselves up as animals to make a point about animal rights. Whether you agree with the organization's views or not, you have to admit that they finally found a constructive and highly effective way of bringing attention to themselves -- without having to throw red paint on someone's fur coat. (
8) Queen of B-Paintings: Artist Sharon Leong got her formal art training at the San Francisco Art Institute and L'Ecole du Louvre in Paris. But it's not the classics that truly inspire her; she feels a much greater affinity for trashy pulp-fiction covers, and she lists sexual tension as the No. 1 catalyst for her work. As she satirizes 1950s sexual repression and mental hygiene in paintings like "Pussy Hair Styles" and her "Dangers of Sex" series, she reminds us that while we have come a long way since the McCarthy Era, we still have a long way to go. (
9) Kembra Pfahler: Being a Calvin Klein model and a militant activist against the culture of beauty might seem at odds -- until you realize that the former role was played out with much irony. As frontwoman for the Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black, she redefines female beauty standards by appearing butt naked on stage in nothing but blue paint and blackened teeth. (
10) Madonna: OK, get all your Madonna insults off your chest: the wanderlust from one religion to another; the attempts at thespian legitimacy; the affected British accent. All very obnoxious and laughable. But too easily we girls forget that it was Madonna who gave us the passport to wear our underwear on the outside of our clothes, to writhe about on the floor in a mock wedding dress after drinking an entire bottle of peach schnapps, and to grab our crotches openly and without shame. All hail Madonna.

—Deb Berry

Ten overhyped celebrity romances

1) The Britney/Madonna French kiss: One word: pedophilia.
2) Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore: One word again: pedophilia.
3) Ben Affleck and J. Lo: Two words: Who cares?
4) Trista and Ryan's wedding: If ever there's been a good argument for mandatory sterilization, this Stepford couple from "The Bachelorette" brings the point home.
5) The Paris Hilton sex video: It looked like it was shot through night-vision goggles by the killer from "Silence of the Lambs." You couldn't make out heads from tails what was going on in that video. Not worth the download time.
6) T.A.T.u.: It sounded so promising: Two really hot teen-age, Russian lesbians who get onstage and make out in schoolgirl uniforms. But it amounted to little more than unenthusiastic fondling and disinterested stage kisses. Bo-ring.
7) Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton: There was really only one thing any of us wanted to see on "The Simple Life:" hot lesbian sex. No such luck. But they do deserve some credit for getting down and dirty with a couple of authentic hicks from Hillbillyville. Not to mention Nicole Richie's willingness to go arm-deep into an angry farm animal's back-side.
8) Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey: Die already.
9) Britney's Las Vegas wedding: Big friggin' deal. She got drunk and married some po-dunk wifebeater-in-training from the backwoods of Louisiana. Sounds to me like the hand of fate has finally put her on the track she was supposed to follow all along. Hopefully by next year she'll be pregnant by that subliterate hunk o' beef and living in a trailer park where she belongs.
10) Madonna endorsing Wesley Clark: OK, so it's not a sex thing, but come on. Anyone who really gives a rat's ass what Madonna's political views are, raise your hand. Yeah, that's what I thought. But just so this item doesn't seem totally out of context, we should mention that Madonna still has a mighty fine rack for a woman of her age.

—Deb Berry

Ten things that would sex up George W. Bush:

1) A heart; other than the cold, black, empty one he has now.
2) A brain ... if he only had one.
3) Ruby slippers and a dog named Toto.
4) A chubby female intern with no gag reflex at his side.
5) Proper pronunciation of the word "nuclear."
6) Lips. Most human beings do have them, I mean why don't ... ah, most human beings ... there's the rub.
7) An impeachment.
8) Pretzels. Nothing gets me hotter than George W. Bush choking on a pretzel.
9) Goddamnit, why can't you pronounce NUCLEAR?
10) Guys who do magic tricks are sexy and get all the girls. Mr. Bush, I think you should learn some magic tricks. Why don't you start by disappearing?

—Deb Berry

10 Most Romantic Song Lyrics

1) "It's a 7-Eleven/ Do you wanna take a walk outside?/ If you want a burrito, you can have another bite of mine" ("Burrito," Pete Yorn)
2) "I'm just a love machine/ And I won't work for nobody but you/ I'm just a love machine / A hugging kissing fiend" ("Love Machine Pt. 1," The Miracles)
3) "Rock me baby/ Rock me all night long/ I want you to rock me like my back ain't got no bones" ("Rock Me Baby," Tina Turner)
4) "Rebel Rebel you've torn your dress/ Rebel Rebel your face is a mess/ Rebel Rebel how could they know/ Hot tramp, I love you so" ("Rebel Rebel," David Bowie)
5) "She's got a date at midnight with Nosferatu/ Oh, baby, Lily Munster ain't got nothing on you/ Little wolfskin boots and clove cigarettes/ An erotic funeral, for which she's dressed/ Loving you was like loving the dead" ("Black No. 1," Type O Negative)
6) "My love, giving me head/ Feeling very guilty, breaking the bread/ You give me so much love that it blows my brains out" ("Pain Killer," Turin Brakes)
7) "Slow burn your motel walls, over me/ Get on top of me woman/ Get on top/ Let me see what you've learned tonight/ Well, like a bitch dog in heat, we had those bed springs a squeakin' all night long" ("Get on Top," Tim Buckley)
8) "Horny little baby in my back seat/ Pull my velveteen curtain with pleats/ Pick a little spot where no one will be/ Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma make love to me/ Let's go ride into the mountains above/ It's low, my big red rocket of love" ("Big Red Rocket of Love," Reverend Horton Heat)
9) "I lick my chops and you're tasting good/ I do whatever I want to ya/ I'll nail your ass to the sheets/ A pelvic thrust and the sweat starts to sting ya/ I fuck like a beast" ("Animal (Fuck Like a Beast)," W.A.S.P.)
10) "Woo, woo woo wooo woooo/ Tonight, the night of nights/ Night of a thousand and one erotic delights/ This is the greatest love in history/ A monstrosity of ecstacy/ a biography of nudity/ I will stick my penis in your beautiful vagina/ Woo woo woo woo woooo ("Ronnie and Kayla's Love Song," "Run Ronnie Run" soundtrack, David Cross and Bob Odenkirk)

—Deb Berry

Foods that are sexy

Cucumbers/ pickles
Hot dogs/ sausages
Pretzels (twists only)
Swiss cheese
Large-mouth bass
Whipped cream
Marshmallow fluff
Nacho rings/ Funyuns
Pork (especially bacon)

Foods that are not sexy

Beef stew
Turkey tetrazzini

—Micky Michalec

Three strange sex toys/items found at Fairvilla

1) Anna the Ewe inflatable black sheep: Sure it's a gag gift, but some guy somewhere has nailed one of them.
2) Inflatable children (well, teen-agers): From the website description: "The 'SEXTEEN LOVE DOLL' is life-size and has soft, flesh-like skin! Her ripe young breasts, curvacious `sic` hips and legs, loving mouth and luscious vagina will provide you with many nights of erotic thrills!" What's missing? I is.
3) Swedish Erotica Pocket Calculator: ($3.59 at Fairvilla Adult Megastore): Take off your alge-bra, and let me slide-rule it into that calcul-ass. But seriously, exactly what kink does this satisfy?

—Micky Michalec

The three best TV shows to make you feel dirty:

1) "Gilmore Girls:" Hot, in a virginal 16-year-old kinda way. As an added bonus, you get the (however remote) possibility of a mother-daughter m?nage Ë? trois, which is very hot.
2) "King of the Hill:" Does anyone else find Luanne Platter smokingly sexy, even for a ridiculously dense cartoon character? Mmmm, Texas.
3) "Smallville:" Herein I cop to watching far more WB programming than a man my age should. But, on the other hand, Kristin Kreuk and Allison Mack make my shame worthwhile.

—Jeffrey C. Billman

Sexy, random, out-of-context words and phrases from President Bush's January State of the Union Address

Growing stronger
Falter and leave our work unfinished
Full particpation of women
Hard, and it is right
Uranium enrichment
Skilled and tireless
Hardest duty
Lonely hours
Women at many posts
It will rise again
Men and movements
Strong, and growing stronger
The marriage penalty
Those skills were never mastered
Far too long, far too many children
Performance-enhancing drugs
Forcing their arbitrary will
Long experience
Girl in Lincoln
Woman in uniform
This great chamber
All that is to come

—Jeff Billman

Uses for unwanted sex toys
The dildo:
1) An ice-breaker: Think of it as a rubber, penis-shaped Mr. Microphone -- just whip it out when there's a lull in conversations. Or use it to actually break up ice. Either way.
2) A cocktail mixer: "How would you like your martini -- shaken, stirred or stimulated?"
3) A massager (external use above the waist): "Nothing eases away stress like a vibrating fake dick on your back."
4) A rolling pin: Think of the fun of eating Christmas cookies with veins in them.
5) A meat tenderizer: You'll literally taste the irony.
6) A power pointer: You'll certainly have everyone's full attention at the budget presentation on the overhead.
7) The doorstop/paperweight: Obvious.
8) The gas cap: Use it to cap your gas tank, or as a sign of protest against high gasoline prices.
9) The bookmark: It may not be the nicest looking page-saver, and the book may be much more bulky to carry around depending on the size of your recycled cock (and you may get the occasional odd glance from coworkers/family), but you'll never lose the page you were last reading.

The love doll
1) The car-pool lane: Cruise past all the other saps stuck in traffic riding one-to-a-car, with your old Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate by your side. Hey, you might even get lucky!
2) The seat-saver: Nobody will ever sit next to you on the bus with the Kneeling Nina on Her Knees Love Doll on your arm. And while you're at it, have Nina wait out in the rain for the bus, while you wait undercover (and probably in handcuffs).
3) The car-theft deterrent: No carjacker will ever steal your wheels with the Big Joe Doll in the driver's seat. While you're inside sleeping, thieves will think he's a real person, and not "a life-size doll with a 7-inch removable cock and two love passages." Car thieves, of course, would not have bet on Joe's cock being removable.
4) The toll booth: If you had to put your 75 cents in one of Joe's two latex love passages, you'd send out your E-Pass application today. Though surely the coin slots would be jammed constantly.
5) The stash: What cop will want to look through your used Nickolus, The Inflatable Greek Love Doll's body cavity for your schwag?

—Micky Michalec

Five things you and/or your significant other probably shouldn't say at the dinner table on Thanksgiving, even if your family's really cool and open about sex and all that, because your parents/aunts/uncles will realize their wild hippie youth wasn't so wild after all, and you'll scare your grade-school-age cousins off ever having sex later in life, and your grandma might have a cardiac event or write you out of her will:

1) "Anal sex is the new blow job."
2) "Japanese rope bondage really is an art form."
3) "They only use the laser to take measurements in Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation (TM) -- they use a scalpel for the actual surgery."
4) "No, bulgogi is Korean barbecue -- you're thinking of bukkake."
5) "Astroglide is totally superior to K-Y."

—Jessica Bryce Young

Things you can get away with sexually while cheating:

1) You can lie about your name. Say you've always been embarrassed by the fact that your parents named you George Herbert Walker. Now's your chance to finally correct their misdirected nomenclature with your own invented, assumed identity. Like, "I'm Biff and I'm a well-to-do, Democratic stock broker." It sounds more exciting than fucking a Republican.
2) You don't have to cuddle; just shower and leave.
3) The thrill of mischievous deception: Isn't it fun to think that your other half is waiting by the phone while you're getting your rocks off? Isn't it?
4) Ass slapping: You know you never get to do that at home.
5) Various other forms of sexual provocation: you know, the whole handcuffs, master/slave kind of thing. Have at it!

—Billy Manes

Reasons why your sex life sucks:

No, try about three centimeters higher.
Too fast.
Too slow.
My thighs have gone numb.
Could you watch those teeth?
No, I really can't go any faster -- not without cocaine.
Is that what I think it is?
Um, that's my cat.
Hey, that's not a siphon.
If I move over any more, I'll fall off the bed.
You know, I have to get up really early tomorrow.
No, I'm sorry, you really can't stay here tonight.
I'll call you a cab.

—Deb Berry

Foreskin: this year's trucker hat

Should you still be holding on to your angry extra inch, may we suggest some fashionable ways to display it ... in the privacy of your own home, of course. Sicko.

1. Cocked to the left a bit -- Think of yourself like Ashton Kutcher with slight Latino leanings, and you'll have this look down. It may naturally just cock a bit on its own, but if not, try a little reversable tape. A very little.
2. Lipsticked tips -- Nothing says "pucker up" like a tiny Pam Anderson at the end of your rod. Or, for those of the more rockist description, think Rolling Stones. But don't think Sticky Fingers.
3. Tied in a knot -- Does your foreskin hang low, does it wobble to and fro, can you tie it in a knot, can you tie it in a bow? If so, this little bit of gift-wrapping may be your fine suit. Just watch where you're looking so as not to be inadvertently unwrapped.
4. A little gift inside -- Maybe a diamond engagement ring? Wouldn't that be sweet?
5. Candy -- Just make sure to avoid those involving cinnamon oil. Ouch!

—Billy Manes

Rules about sex with people you hate:

Know the way out of the house -- sometimes it's easy to get lost in the dark.
Make sure to have cab fare readily available -- walking home in that ironic iron-on is really embarrassing on a Sunday morning.
Learn how to selectively forget -- compartmentalizing is this year's self-actualization.
By no means leave a phone number -- what are you, stupid?
Leave while they're sleeping -- the morning breath alone should tell you that.

Clothing that rubs you right, right there:

OK, so there are the little surprises in the dark, the secret copy room quickies, the interstate blowjobs, but such golden opportunities are infrequent at best. May we suggest a little self-pleasure by way of wardrobing, just to make sure that your entire existence is a sexual wasteland.

Wearing your thong backwards -- Strictly for the ladies, but it's gotta be nice to have a continuous string of pleasure to mark every recrossing of the legs, or even recrossing of the street.

Cock rings -- While not strictly comfortable, there is a certain manly pleasure in knowing that your protrusion is a touch more visible, and that your member is getting the attention it deserves 24/7.

Icy-Hot Blue Patches -- Haven't tried this one yet, but it seems that the fluctuations in temperature in and around certain erogenous zones would have to make for some high pressure and some crazy hot flashes.

The ol' nightie-under-the-business-suit bit -- little silk chafings for the slut on the go.

Cell phone in pocket -- Make sure it's set on vibrate, and call yourself all day. Telecommunications never felt so good. Reach out and touch yourself.

Orifices previously uncharted in sexual exploitation.

1. The Ear -- Ever catch yourself sticking your finger in there? Ever go on a date with a very insufficient male mate? Get your rocks off and watch out for the drum.
2. The Nose -- A seemingly obvious followup to the ear, for precisely the same reasons. And then some.
3. The Eye -- I've seen this on a snuff tape before, and I don't recommend it. Live your life.
4. Any selected wound -- Gross.

—Billy Manes


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