Combat Action Report (log date 10-24-2008) Received intelligence indicating an incipient undead infestation in the vicinity of Kissimmee. Rumors report an outfit called Xtreme Paintball Xperience is executing an operation code-named "Zombie Adventure." My mission: Infiltrate under cover of darkness and investigate.
;;22:58 Driving deep into the wilderness south of Highway 192. Locate a pair of tiki torches marking a muddy dirt road leading into the compound. Looks like a locale ; for lurchers.
;;23:04 HQ seems to be set up in a tent on the edge of the woods. Make contact with "Angie," who instructs me to sign a double-sided double-indemnity insurance disclosure form (No. 17: Never look down the barrel of your weapon) and hangs a glow stick around my neck "in case I get lost." Feels more like a zombie magnet to me. I've got a bad feeling about this.
;;23:11 I've located Bryan Sedwick, head officer in charge. He briefs me on deep background – secret laboratory, government-funded experiments, the cure for the common cold gone horribly wrong. It's your standard-issue apocalypse, and we're taking a .7-mile stroll through 12 and a half acres of flesh-eater forest. I've got a really bad feeling about this.
;;23:26 Word comes back that command has lost contact with the advance team. I'm assigned to a rescue team with a half-dozen other recruits. The big one named "Chud" might be good in a fight; the ; rest look like soft civilians. ;Poor bastards.
;;23:32 Our squad has been directed into a quarantine tent and issued full-body hazmat suits. The instructor in the training video says, "Your life or your death depends on how you put on your hazmat suit," over and over again. My right shoe rips my suit at the ankle. Did I mention the bad feeling yet?
;;23:38 The training video has been interrupted by an incoming transmission from the biolab showing Dr. Klein being turned into zombie chow. Sgt. Lowrie barks at us to move out; she doesn't look too happy about leading a team of untrained biohazard technicians into a hot zone. Can't say I blame her.
;;23:41 The supply bus to which we were dispatched turns out to be MIA. Sarge says we'll find a weapons drop as we approach the research compound. I can hear the advance team screaming in the distance.
;;23:53 Spotted the parachute marking our supply depot. After loading up with high-powered weapons and plenty of ammo, we begin hearing movement to our right. We're spread out along the tree line and open fire on the walkers as they stagger out of the foliage. Safety mask fogs up almost immediately, so I fire blind into the brush. Just like 'Nam.
;;00:17 Survived several more encounters with undead hostiles. During the last skirmish Sarge slapped me on the back and said, "Good shooting, soldier – you got one!" All I could see was a dark blur.
;;00:25 We've located the research lab. Undead are everywhere; support lit them up with the .50-cal, but they just kept coming. Our team managed to rescue a lone survivor, Dr. Jones. The compound was completely overrun, so Sarge took it out with a satchel charge. I could feel the heat from the explosion as I crouched in the mud. Heading back to base.
;;00:32 Deep in the brush, hostiles approaching from all directions, and we're completely out of ammo. Dr. Jones won't stop shrieking about how we destroyed her precious research, and I'm sure she's been bitten on the ankle. The squad is debating whether to leave her for the zombies or just kill ;her ourselves.
;;00:39 Movement in the trees … they're everywhere … oh God …
;;00:42 Cleared the final checkpoint; ;en route to HQ. Not all of us made it back alive. The dead are still out there. I'm safe … for now.
;;Post-Mission Debriefing I recommend for meritorious service awards the 34 members of Zombie Adventure's impressively committed cast. They understand that it's not enough to take a paintball to the punim; you've got to moan like you mean it. Anyone who has ever wanted to live out a low-budget monster movie should enjoy the experience, provided they can deal with darkness and dirt. I'm looking forward to coming back again next year; with a little tweaking this could turn into a world-class horror attraction.
;(Zombie Adventure at Xtreme Paintball Xperience; 1300 S. Poinciana Blvd., Kissimmee; 8 p.m.-midnight Thursday-Saturday, through Nov. 1; $44.95, group rates available; 407-873-9793; zombieadventure.com)
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