Knot a problem

OK, it's finally out. President Clinton admitted he had an "inappropriate" relationship with Monica Lewinsky. I think that means he had her working on his car. That would be totally inappropriate. She doesn't look like she knows a thing about cars.

A sexual relationship, on the other hand, seems like just the ticket. They had their little fling and the country was prosperous and peaceful. Then Clinton's out of Monica's company for awhile and what happens? Bang, we're bombing the Sudan. See? People are just like champagne bottles; if they get shaken up and aren't uncorked, they will just explode anyway, with messier results.

Some people were "disappointed" in Bill for not 'fessing up earlier, indicating that they could have told their sexual history on TV with total impunity, if the glare from their halos didn't blind the cameras. That's terribly sad. Any sex life you could blab about to a TV audience would hardly be worth listening to. If you haven't done anything you want to keep secret, you're not really applying yourself.

Tied up

Far from being disappointed, I'm more impressed with Clinton than ever. Most guys can barely hold down one mediocre job and get an occasional phone number. This man is smoothly running a huge country and it turns out he's been doing it with one hand tied behind his back, or at least occupied elsewhere. And he's made daytime television more interesting than "All My Children" has done in months. People are afraid he will tarnish the image of the office for future generations, but just the opposite will occur. Now when little boys are told, "You could be president one day," they're going to see how much action he gets and try 20 times harder than if they had only Ferret Face Bush or that one who called his wife Mommie (and if that isn't an inappropriate relationship, I don't know what is) to look up to.

And with his day-planner packed fuller than a Mode model in a one-size-fits-all teddy, are we really supposed to believe this guy picks out his own ties?

In case you've been watching higher quality fashion television than CNN, it's now being speculated that Bill wore a busy-but-attractive gold-and-blue tie to send Monica a message. The story is that she gave him the tie, and said that when she saw him wearing it on TV she'd know she was close to his heart.

If he shoved it in his pocket with just the tip hanging out, what do you suppose that signaled? Come to think of it, ties always point downward, so any tie Bill wore could have been a signal for, "See ya later, and bring those Altoids," don't you think?

Tied down

So what if the spy codes coming out of the White House are less Tom Clancey than Teen Beat Romance? This new form of Dress Code could lend an atmosphere of winking intrigue to any proceeding, even those not involving a grand jury. Now's your chance to try out some tie signals on that particular someone you can't be direct with, so when they see you on TV they'll know you're thinking of them (OK, we both know the only time you're ever going to be on TV is if the local news comes to Publix to film you buying water and batteries during that mesmerizing hurricane coverage, but just play along, all right?)

Tie slightly loosened: "Casual date. I'm not Mr. Right, I'm ‘Mr. Right Now.' "

Tie starched stiff as a board: "I do not need Viagra. Let's go."

Clip-on tie: "My mother picked this out. You remind me of her."

Tie tied like a noose: "Wanna see my etchings? They're quite well-hung."

Bow-tie: "I've got Viagra."

Bow-tie pasta in place of actual tie: "The nurse doesn't know I'm gone. I don't have much time."

Tiara: "I am a big queen, girl, quit following me."

Leather tie: "I haven't bought any music since ‘Rio' came out. Please talk to me."

; ;

Fish tie: "I am blind and mean people dress me. Send help."

Jerry Garcia tie: "I'm too stoned to actually have sex, and yet I am totally boring as well. Wanna smoke?"

Bathrobe belt as tie: "I am an alcoholic."

Bolo tie: "I can stay on for a good eight seconds."

Tie with velcro ends: "Tie me up, but don't tie me down."

Tie with a stain on it: "No thanks, I've already eaten."

Tie just like Clinton's: "Go ahead, blow me away, but only if you do your laundry once in a while."

I'd bet money Bill didn't actually mean anything by wearing that tie. The signals were Monica's idea, not his. We're lucky most men can get their clothes to match without Garranimals tags, much less remember the poetic meaning behind their sartorial choices.

Still, the way we dress says something about us, and in yet another gift to the American people, the Clinton presidency has helped to make them say things very specifically. And anyway, no matter what he wears or what it means, none of this mess is worth getting the country in a knot over.


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