ARIES (March 21-April 19) Uranus is on the opposite side of the sun from Saturn right now. To traditional astrologers, that's a stressful aspect. It bespeaks a titanic clash between the forces of progress and the inertia of the past. But there are mitigating factors. The expansive planet Jupiter is trine to Saturn and sextile to Uranus, suggesting that unexpected grace may provide beauty and healing during these strenuous moments of truth. I predict that's what will occur in your personal life. You're well-situated to navigate smartly through the brouhaha. For best results, respect the old ways, but not so much that it slows down your exuberant quest for the most interesting possible future.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Every year my friend Jim participates in a deep-sea fishing competition. He says the best way to catch the big fish is with bait in the form of smaller fish. But marlins can be fooled with pretty lures — colorful fabrications that look like food but are actually made of metal, wood, plastic and rubber. Jim says that hammerhead sharks, on the other hand, never bite the fake bait. They're too smart, insisting on the real thing. I suggest you use this information as an allegory in the coming weeks. You may find it to your advantage to get yourself "caught" by a metaphorical fisherperson, but only if he or she is offering you the authentic bait, not a simulation.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) When the air is pure and clean, a bee can smell a flower from 3,281 feet. The presence of pollution severely cripples the bee's awareness of floral scents, however, reducing its range to 650 feet. Could this be a metaphor? Have you suffered a reduction in your sensitivity to sources of nourishment? Are you oblivious to gifts and blessings that could be available to you if you only knew about them? It's quite possible. Luckily, you're reading this horoscope, which will surely motivate you to overcome the problem.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Dolphins love erotic play, according to the book Dolphin Chronicles. For almost a third of their waking life, they caress and touch each other. They're ingenious about using their Frisbees, plastic boats and rubber balls as sex toys. If you'd like to place yourself in alignment with cosmic rhythms, you will consider taking a page from the dolphin Kama Sutra. The key for them is simply to play freely without any specific goal. Bliss comes as much from experimenting with creative intimacy as from driving toward orgasm.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) One of my friends describes herself as "Hammer of the Gods." Her task in life, she says, is to be a tool that the divine powers wield as they nail together raw materials to make useful structures. While I don't know if that's also one of your goals, I do know that it describes a role you'd thrive in. So how about it? Are you ready to upgrade your game in order to be the best hammer of the gods you can possibly be?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) I'm not necessarily suggesting that you read Al Franken's book The Truth (With Jokes). But I do recommend that you make that title your motto in the coming week. There will be no such thing as truth without jokes, at least for you. Every situation you need to know more about will, if you investigate it, reveal some amusing riddle. All the information that'll be important for you to gather will lead you in the direction of laughter.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Some years back, I maxed out my credit cards to pay for recording my band's CD. Soon afterwards, following a few financial setbacks, I was close to declaring bankruptcy. Luckily, my parents stepped in and bailed me out. Since then, I've rigorously kept my debts to a minimum. That policy has, on occasion, cramped my style, but it looks pretty wise in light of the current financial crunch. Please draw inspiration from my experience. Take inventory of any patterns in your own life that may be distorting your ability to get the money and resources you need. This is an excellent time to flush your old conditioning and imprint yourself with good new habits.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) "Many times in my life," says philosopher Eckhardt Tolle, "it has been my experience that the most powerful starting point for any endeavor is not the question ‘What do I want?,' but what does Life (God, Consciousness) want from me? How do I serve the whole?" I offer that meditation to you as you slip into the heart of the "reinvent yourself" phase of your cycle. It's time to stage a grand reopening, launch a new (relation)ship or instigate a fresh batch of good trouble. As you whip up the initiatory energy, ask the Big Cosmic Thou where it would like you to go and what it would love you to do.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) "Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth," says Ishmael in Herman Melville's novel Moby Dick, "whenever it is damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses … it `is` high time to get to the sea as soon as I can." Use this passage as an inspirational kick in the ass. There's no need for you to sink into the emotional abyss Ishmael describes. Fix yourself before you're broken! Get to the sea immediately, and prevent the glumness from taking over. If there's no ocean nearby, then try the next best things: Walk along a river or lake. Immerse yourself for long stretches in baths and saunas and heated pools. Cry and sweat and come abundantly. Listen to music that makes you feel like you're floating.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) This is the Week of the Upside-Down Rainbow. It's a time when signs of good fortune are everywhere, but always with some odd twist. Should you worry that there's some mischief at work? Does it suggest you will have to pay a price for the breakthroughs that are coming? I don't think so. My interpretation of the upside-down rainbow (or the five-leaf clover or the torn $10 bill you find on the street) is that you will be asked to expand your capacities in order to take full advantage of the unusual blessings.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Should you go with the flow or should you try to wheedle, manipulate and entice the flow to go with you? This is one of those rare times when I advocate the latter approach. The flow is currently in an indecisive state, when it could go one of several different ways. You have cosmic authorization to nudge it in the direction that looks to you like it will be the best for the most people.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) In the film The Matrix, a small band of people have managed to escape from the collective hallucination that most of their fellow humans are stuck in. Though life is hard, there are some perks. They can, for instance, get downloads of data directly into their brains that allow them to quickly master complex tasks. In this way, the heroine, Trinity, learns to fly a helicopter in a few minutes. I call your attention to these fictional events because I think you're close to pulling off real-life accomplishments that resemble them. First, you're in a position to slip away from certain illusions that enslave some of the people around you. Second, you have the power to rapidly understand new information and acquire new skills.


Since 1990, Orlando Weekly has served as the free, independent voice of Orlando, and we want to keep it that way.

Becoming an Orlando Weekly Supporter for as little as $5 a month allows us to continue offering readers access to our coverage of local news, food, nightlife, events, and culture with no paywalls.

Join today because you love us, too.

Scroll to read more Astrology articles

Join Orlando Weekly Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.