Support local journalism. Join the Orlando Weekly Press Club.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Marco Rubio installs panic room in Miami office

Posted By on Sat, Apr 1, 2017 at 7:00 AM

Under threat of facing his constituents, Florida senator Marco Rubio has decided to install a panic room in his Miami office.

Sources say the heavily fortified room comes with no working phone lines, fax machine, or internet, but does have plenty of bottled water and a small opening to allow Rubio to accept large cash donations from special interest groups.

"See this hole over here?" said Rubio to reporters. "If anything happens, you make sure my donors know to put money in this little slot."

The installation of the new panic room comes only weeks after Rubio's other two offices in Tampa and Orlando were completely decimated after voters sent a medieval barrage of questions to the senator regarding his stances on everyday issues.

"It'll all come down to this," said Rubio last Wednesday while moving a large pallet of mini Poland Spring water bottles into the panic room.

Rubio says he's tested out the new room, and theorizes that if the 6-inch steel walls are indeed breached he has enough supplies to last through at least three to four days of non-stop climate change questions.

"Let's just hope it never comes to that," said Rubio to reporters.

Sources close to Rubio say the senator also has a wingsuit on hand in the event he has to avoid constituents by BASE jumping from his office window.

Editor's note: April Fools. Yes, this story is indeed satire. Enjoy.

Tags: ,

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Orlando Weekly. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Orlando Weekly, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Orlando Weekly Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Orlando Weekly Press Club for as little as $5 a month.


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Read the Digital Print Issue

January 12, 2022

View more issues


© 2022 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation