Saturday, April 1, 2017

Marco Rubio installs panic room in Miami office

Posted By on Sat, Apr 1, 2017 at 7:00 AM

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Under threat of facing his constituents, Florida senator Marco Rubio has decided to install a panic room in his Miami office.

Sources say the heavily fortified room comes with no working phone lines, fax machine, or internet, but does have plenty of bottled water and a small opening to allow Rubio to accept large cash donations from special interest groups.

"See this hole over here?" said Rubio to reporters. "If anything happens, you make sure my donors know to put money in this little slot."

The installation of the new panic room comes only weeks after Rubio's other two offices in Tampa and Orlando were completely decimated after voters sent a medieval barrage of questions to the senator regarding his stances on everyday issues.

"It'll all come down to this," said Rubio last Wednesday while moving a large pallet of mini Poland Spring water bottles into the panic room.

Rubio says he's tested out the new room, and theorizes that if the 6-inch steel walls are indeed breached he has enough supplies to last through at least three to four days of non-stop climate change questions.

"Let's just hope it never comes to that," said Rubio to reporters.

Sources close to Rubio say the senator also has a wingsuit on hand in the event he has to avoid constituents by BASE jumping from his office window.

Editor's note: April Fools. Yes, this story is indeed satire. Enjoy.


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