Saturday, April 1, 2017

Gov. Rick Scott takes weekend off to finish molting

Posted By on Sat, Apr 1, 2017 at 7:00 AM

click to enlarge PHOTO BY JEREMY REPER
  • Photo by Jeremy Reper
With a fresh, shiny carapace starting to peek through his dull, peeling exterior, Gov. Rick Scott announced late Friday that he will be taking the rest of the weekend away from the public eye to finish the molting process.

According to a spokesperson for Scott, the Florida governor needs the time to attend to personal business, like rubbing his body against rough surfaces in order to peel back the outer layer of his flesh.

"Since it's not covered under the Sunshine Laws of the great state of Florida, I feel that it's not in the best interests of the public to witness this perfectly natural process," Scott said.

When a reporter asked whether Gov. Scott would consider expanding Medicare in Florida to close the insurance gap so that other reptilian-Americans could have their molting processes covered, Scott demonstrated considerable agility by slithering under a plastic cave lit by a heat lamp while hissing the word, "Jobssssssss."

Editor's note: April Fools. Yes, this story is indeed satire. Enjoy.

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