Thursday, August 14, 2014

The Onion: 9,600-mile-long megacoaster unveiled at Busch Gardens

Posted By on Thu, Aug 14, 2014 at 5:14 PM

click to enlarge Via
  • Via

Via The Onion

The Onion takes aim at theme parks today, with this story about Busch Gardens in Tampa unveiling a new roller coaster that's 9,600 miles long and "designed to push the limits of human endurance." The story goes on to describe a ride on "The Staminator" as a 14-day-long experience "that challenges passengers’ physical and mental resilience with elements such as a 1,500-mile straightaway, a banked curve across five Midwestern states, and interlocking corkscrews stretching from Nebraska to the West Coast."

We know it's satire, but we think the Onion slipped a little on this one. Everybody knows that, if there were to be some kind of insane, overly ambitious theme park ride that pushed the limits of human endurance, it would be located in Orlando, not Tampa.

Seriously: World's tallest Polercoaster, anybody?

click to enlarge The Onion
  • The Onion

Photo via Skyplex

How about a pants-peeingly tall bungee jump slingshot ride that catapults you and a friend around in a body harness with no safety equipment?

click to enlarge Photo via Skyplex
  • Photo via Skyplex

Photo by Seth Kubersky

click to enlarge Photo by Seth Kubersky
  • Photo by Seth Kubersky

Photo by Seth Kubersky

Or a zipline over gator-filled pools? That's a good one, too.

click to enlarge Photo by Seth Kubersky
  • Photo by Seth Kubersky

Photo via Gatorland

Related: Before there was Disney: 29 photos of tourist attractions that were here before the Mouse

Tags: , , ,

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Orlando Weekly. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Orlando Weekly, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at

Orlando Weekly works for you, and your support is essential.

Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of Central Florida.

Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.

Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep Orlando’s true free press free.


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Read the Digital Print Issue

January 13, 2020

View more issues


© 2021 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation