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Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Man wants to marry his laptop. Florida says no

Posted By on Tue, May 6, 2014 at 3:36 PM

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So, you have a porn addiction. How do you deal with that? Get some therapy? Block the porn from your computer? Well, if you're Mark "Chris" Sevier, you sue the maker of your laptop. Last year, he sued Apple because they manufacture a device that has the ability to display porn. Seriously. Sevier's complaint went on for 50 pages, asking Apple to install a porn filter in Safari, with the option to "sign a form acknowledge the ills of pornography, and receive a code to remove the filter."

When the lawsuit didn't cure his porn addiction, he decided not to try to conquer his addiction to porn, but to embrace it. Earlier this year, he filed a motion with the state of Florida arguing that he should be allowed to marry his computer, stating that if gay people "have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object." Because, you know, marriage is completely about fitting "tab B" into "slot A."

It's probably best for all of humanity that Sevier's motion has not been included in Florida's lawsuit hoping to overturn the gay marriage ban in the state of Florida. "Chris Sevier has moved to intervene, apparently asserting he wishes to marry his computer," Judge Robert Hinkle wrote on April 24. "Perhaps the motion is satirical. Or perhaps it is only removed from reality. Either way, the motion has no place in this lawsuit."

Since his Florida dreams of marrying a machine were squashed, Sevier tried the same tactic in Utah to see if they would be more accommodating to his nuptial plans. They weren't.

To recap: First Sevier was living Don Jon, unable or unwilling to control his porn addiction. Now, he wants to live Her and have a fully committed relationship with his Macbook – and he'd like it to be recognized legally, natch. We knew Apple addicts were passionate about their technology, but this is going just a bit too far.


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