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Friday, March 7, 2014

Cereal killers: bad cereal creations

Posted By on Fri, Mar 7, 2014 at 1:42 PM

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Look, no one said cereal makers were geniuses. Well, except maybe John Kellogg, but my most of my knowledge of him is based on the fictional book The Road to Wellville. So, on National Cereal Day, I wondered: what were some of the worst cereal creations in the history of cereal? Not surprisingly, most of  'em were Cap'n Crunch clones.

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Both DC and Marvel got in on the bad cereal decisions with their Batman and Hulk cereals. The Hulk cereal was basically Lucky Charms with green Hulks, white round bottomed Erlenmeyer flasks, pink boom boxes and yellow goldfish. Look, the shapes aren't as easy to identify as hearts, stars and clovers, okay? Likewise, the Batman cereal was a rip-off, but of Cap'n Crunch. The Batman cereal was extra roof-of-the-mouth shred-y, as the bits of cereal were shaped like the Bat-Signal.

Sir Grapefellow and Baron Von Redberry were arch cereal nemeses. In their advertising, the cereal company tried to recreate the magical competitiveness of Franken Berry and Count Chocula, but didn't quite hit the mark. These fruit flavored cereals didn't fare so well with the kiddos, who obviously preferred monsters to fancy pilots.

Created for Star Wars: Episode 2, C3PO's has possibly the best bad cereal name. Another Cap'n crunch knock-off, these mouth-mutilators were shaped like 8s or Bs or infinity symbols. It was really hard to tell. The only reason this cereal sold at all is because it was a Star Wars tie-in. I bet if you visited some hardcore Star Wars fans, you'd still find an unopened box or two in the basement.

Maybe the Mr. T Cereal was a bad decision. Yet another Cap'n Crunch knock off, with the only difference being the shape of this cereal. This time it was, not surprisingly, tiny Ts.  The awfulness of the cereal itself is completely undone with this short scene from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. "I pity the fool who don't eat my cereal!" Every time I see it, it makes me want to cover my pancakes and bacon with horrible cereal, but only if the bacon and pancakes were cooked for me by my awesome Rube Goldberg machine.

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