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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Don't drink the Drano, Heather...

Posted on Tue, Sep 7, 2010 at 3:22 PM

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OK, so here's the thing, Heather. Just as we were sealing up our lockers and lubing up our panties to get out of here for a long three-day weekend last Friday, a "What's Ahead" media advisory from the city – one of seemingly toxic importance –  splattered across our transom. At first blush, we were mesmerized by its implications. "Mayor Dyer will be joined by City of Orlando commissioners and the Orlando Magic President Alex Martins [and his hair] for the Drano 'Royal Flush,'" it taunted us. And it would all be happening tomorrow, Sept. 8, at the city's rather expensive new toilet bowl, the Amway Center, where approximately 443 brand new toilets would be "flushed simultaneously" in order to "observe sanitary flows, water consumption and pressure in and around the arena." OMG, right? It's like a sanitation apocalypse in the making; a man-made tsunami clearly intended to wash away Parramore's blight! Oh, how we laughed and laughed and kind of got concerned and angry and then laughed again. We've heard of really bad civic photo ops, but this one – with Amway and Drano in such close proximity to the hairballs of our governance – just reeked of fecal disaster. Naturally, we wanted in.

"Confirm with me... then bring this form and adhere to these safety guidelines," city spokeswoman Heather (HEATHER!) Allebaugh rolled her e-mailing eye at us.

"This form," of course, was attached and is basically a boilerplate release to ensure that the city would incur no liability should the whole thing go up in a geyser of gurgling awful; or, rather, up our skirts? Under the header of "unacceptable attire" applicants are warned to not wear "skirts/dresses/shorts/tank tops," "high heels/open-toe shoes/sandals/sneakers and all soft-soled shoes," and again, "no skirts or dresses." Basically, because the whole thing is still a construction site, everybody would be forced into blue collars and hardhats and generalized masculinity just like we all will be in about two more years.

Anyway, we were totally sold on the idea for that obligatory fleeting moment that usually flashbulbs itself out 30 seconds after the recognition of an absurdity. "We'll totally have our weekly editorial meeting there... you know, with Daisy Lynum and Patty Sheehan in the ladies room, toot, toot!" But with the wisdom (read: hangover) brought on by three days of listless pondering comes the realization that it will be more work than it's worth. Also, hardhats.

This morning, while eating our regular breakfast of sports blogs, we came across yet another development in the Drano saga. Not only is this going to be a chance to bust out all of the pipes of a $480 million vanity box, but it's also an educational experience? According to Yahoo! Sports, there are going to be 150 people scrambling around to flush the 436 toilets, and among them will be the fourth and fifth graders of the Nap Ford Community School. That's right: kids, Drano, hardhats. All sounds perfectly safe.

In the immortal words of Veronica "Winona" Sawyer, "It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer."

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