"You had me at Heil!-lo" 


A new film portraying Adolf Hitler as both a delusional madman and an occasionally softer father figure premieres in Germany on Thursday. Parts of the film `"Der Untergang," or "The Downfall"` portray Hitler as a psychopath, wandering the corridors of `his` bunker under below the streets of Berlin, ignorant to the collapse of his empire and to the suffering population above his head. Yet the audience is also shown a charming side of Hitler, a man who shows moments of kindness toward his female staff.
MSNBC.com, Sept. 16, 2004

As Deutschland goes, so go our nation's multiplexes. Please enjoy these proposals for Hollywood comedies and romantic dramas that will further the image of Hitler as an unexpectedly sensitive soul.

Shall We Goose-Step? – Tired of wandering the corridors of his bunker while his empire collapses overhead, Hitler (Richard Gere) decides that the experience would be a lot more pleasant if he were dancing instead. Signing up for ballroom lessons nets him a beautiful instructor (Jennifer Lopez), whose weekly visits to Herr Schickelgruber's subterranean hiding place leave her captivated by the besieged leader's undiminished charm. Either that, or it's the Luger pointed at her head.

Führer of the Bride – How's a nice-guy dictator supposed to win a war when his priceless princess is about to get hitched? You won't be able to stifle your laughter as Papa Adolf (Steve Martin) wrestles with all the rituals of giving his girl away – from negotiating with a troublesome, possibly Hebrew caterer (Martin Short) to picking out just the right prison camp for his daughter's fiancé (Tom Green) to go to if he screws up.

My Attack Dog Skip – Not only was Der Führer kind to his female staff, but, boy, did he love his dog. Follow the lifetime of affection between Hitler (Frankie Muniz) and his faithful German shepherd, Skip (Enzo of TV's Frasier, made to impersonate a different breed via the wonders of full-body makeup). Though a tear-stained lens, the movie shows how Skip never stopped believing in his misunderstood master, even when the latter's wild-eyed theories of genetic superiority and economic conspiracy were still getting him thrown out of beer halls as a crank. Dramatic highlight: Skip rescues the 8-year-old Hitler from a collapsing treehouse.

Mr. 8,000,000 – Bernie Mac plays the Führer as a wizened refugee brought out of hiding in South America to defend his status as history's greatest mass murderer. Billy Bob Thornton steals the shows as Hitler's new rival for the title, a psychotic U.S. president and relapsed alkie with an all-day boner for collateral damage.

What Aryans Want – Mel Gibson is Hitler (and boy, isn't that a stretch?) in this ESP-themed comedy, which makes the already demented paper-hanger the beneficiary of vast mental powers. Being able to read the thoughts of fraus and fräuleins verywhere gives our hero limitless insight into the fairer sex, including when they want to be held, where their "sweet spots" are and if they're hiding teenage diary authors in their attics.

When Adolf Met Eva – Repeat after us: "I'll hate what she's hating." "Ride me, big Goering!" You'll be quoting this picture from now until the Fifth Reich.

Wagner In Love – German cultural history gets a playful rewrite, with the young Richard Wagner (Joseph Fiennes) striving to discover his muse while falling into forbidden passion with an empathetic unknown painter named Adolf Hitler (Gwyneth Paltrow, in a career-making stretch). "But Wagner and Hitler didn't even live in the same century!" you're thinking. Riiiight. Like that's the big problem here.

The English Patient – We let him die. But we were only following orders.

Guess Who's Coming to Kristellnacht? –The taboo beachhead of interracial marriage is broached in this courageous family drama, which depicts Hitler (Tom Hanks) as an old-fashioned husband and father rocked by the news that his daughter is engaged to a black man (GZA of the Wu-Tang Clan). Maybe – just maybe – the experience will teach our ideologically rigid protagonist that a new day is dawning, one in which human beings will be judged on the quality of their character and not the color of their skin. Or, there could be a happy ending.

10 Things I Hate About Jew – Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew gets the Berlin-study-hall treatment, with teenage rebel Hitler (Heath Ledger) set up as the suitor of a tough cookie (Julia Stiles) who not only hates men, but – get this – is of the Red Sea persuasion! From the team that brought you Alicia Silverstone's breezy breakout vehicle, Jewless.

Four Weddings and a Führer – A gentle romantic comedy about a bunch of Reichstag bigwigs with the usual matters on their minds – like if they'll ever find the right girl to settle down with, or what will happen when they face the War Crimes Commission. At the center of it all is Hitler (Hugh Grant), a disarming, floppy-haired figure who can't decide between a beautiful American (Andie MacDowell) and a sultry street prostitute (Divine Brown) who's the living embodiment of Weimar decadence.

The Hesse Whisperer – In this adaptation of a book nobody got around to burning, Hitler (Robert Redford) is a uniquely gifted horse trainer who can heal animals with but a well-placed word in their ears. A favored instant pick-me-up: "Ve know you have relatives running at Hialeah!"

An SS Officer and a Gentleman – The love of a trampy factory girl (Debra Winger) may not seem like much of a prize, but it means the world to a military misfit named Adolf Hitler. Gere again portrays the mustachioed matinee icon, having signed on solely because his agent's offer of "the chance to work with Goebbels" came out as "gerbils" thanks to a bad cell connection.

Cheaper by the Prussian – Lighthearted whimsy guides this speculative final chapter in the life of World War II's pre-eminent father figure (the returning Steve Martin, giving Gere a run for his money as Hollywood's jackbooted go-to guy). As the Aryan dream collapses, an offer of a cushy job with Westinghouse tests the already-strained relationships between Adolf, Eva and their 12 kids. Look for star-making performances from Pat Buchanan, Ann Coulter and Zell Miller as the aging Nazi's mouthiest offspring.

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