"Who's watching the kids?" 

A long-lived alliance between Orlando city commissioners hit the rocks recently, when Daisy Lynum was chosen over Patty Sheehan to be a delegate at this year's Democratic National Convention. According to Orlando Sentinel columnist Scott Maxwell, Sheehan vented her frustrations in an inadvertently disseminated e-mail, accusing Lynum of betraying her and questioning the latter's loyalty to Democratic causes. Sheehan later apologized, but to Lynum at least, the damage was done. "We're not close friends," the feisty commissioner told Maxwell. "Even our gay friends, we don't have in common."

From: SheeMail001@yahoo.com
To: DaisyDukes@hotmail.com
Subject: Different worlds?

Oh, DaisyDaisyDaisy.

Saw your comments in the Slantinel this a.m. How did we ever come to this?

You say we're "not close friends." Fine. So be it. And if you want to pretend that we don't have any queer pals in common, well, that's your choice, too. But that kind of silly kiss-off only points up a bigger issue: how we're going to split custody of Orlando's gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders (not to mention the college freshmen who are just shopping around). It's always the "children" who get hurt in these bust-ups, Daisy. And with god as my witness, I wasn't elected twice to hang them out to dry. So I've consulted with my personal attorney at Morgan, Colling & Gilbert, and he's hashed out some basic terms that I think are highly reasonable. Here's the arrangement in a nutshell:

You get custody of Miss Sammy on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I get her on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. We alternate Sundays. That last part is a big leap of faith for me, Daisy: When it's your turn, I'm trusting you to get her to brunch on time and with a nutritious snack in her Bob Fosse lunchbox. (No more conch fritters!)

Also, I will be responsible for providing transportation for all lesbian folk singers on their field trips to Borders. I called my insurance carrier; I'm covered.

From: DaisyDukes@hotmail.com
To: SheeMail001@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Different worlds?


No arguments here, if that's the way you want to play it. I shot off a copy of your proposal to my official representative at Bogin, Munns & Munns, and he's added a few of his own stipulations.

You will pay $300 in monthly support for every drag king and/or diesel dyke still living in my district following our estrangement. In the month of August only, this figure will be raised to $375, to cover the purchase of new work shirts for the back-to-school season.

In turn, I will pay $250 per month for every interior decorator/butt boy residing in your district. The slightly lower figure reflects the minimal amount of blood, sweat and tears you'll have to put into taking care of them. Most of them are clean, neat and responsible kids to begin with, so you'll have plenty of time left over to fix the transmission on a '58 Pontiac, or whatever the hell it is you like to do in your off hours.

Finally, in all cases, we'll split the bill for birthday foam parties at the Parliament House. Supervising those affairs, however, will be my sole responsibility. The place is in my own backyard, so it's just more convenient that way.

From: SheeMail001@yahoo.com
To: DaisyDukes@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Re: Different worlds?


Way to shave pennies off the support payments, you skinflint. I guess you've forgotten who put you through that public-speaking course at The Knowledge Shop – not to mention who saved your hide when you flipped out and tried to stab those tax-relief protesters with a No. 2 pencil at the last council meeting.

Since you've obviously made up your mind to get down in the mud on this, I'm taking Sammy on Fridays, sticking you with Borders duty at Winter Park Village and Waterford Lakes, and lowering my monthly payout to $225 per carpet-muncher. Oh, and the back-to-school fashions are on you, "dearie."

From: DaisyDukes@hotmail.com
To: SheeMail001@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Different worlds?

Don't fool with me, Phranc.

From: SheeMail001@yahoo.com
To: DaisyDukes@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Different worlds?

Bring it, crone!

From: DaisyDukes@hotmail.com
To: SheeMail001@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Different worlds?


From: SheeMail001@yahoo.com
To: DaisyDukes@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Different worlds?


Oh, would you listen to me. I sound worse than a child. Honestly, this has all gone so much further than I ever thought it would. Can't we just agree to leave the hairsplitting to the lawyers and move quietly on with our lives, for the sake of the little ones?

From: BuddyDyer@cityhall.com
To:SheeMail001@yahoo.com, DaisyDukes@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Different worlds?

Um, excuse me, ladies.

If y'all are fixin' to start wrasslin' any time soon, can ya give me a sign? I'm real busy shreddin' me these absentee ballots, and my doctor says I gotta take my heart medication a good quarter-hour before anything gets me too riled up.

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