When in Fort Lauderdale... 


When in Fort Lauderdale …
Police Women of Broward County
9 p.m. Thursday, the Learning Channel

Instead of reviewing the very first episode (which aired Aug. 6), here are 14 lessons viewers learned about Broward County and about law enforcement therein.

Lesson 1: Broward has beautiful beaches (by day) and dank ghettos (at night). And lots of crackheads.

Lesson 2: Pretending you have to pee does not convince the cop not to search you. Nor will it get you unarrested when they find your crack pipe.

Lesson 3: If you have a crack pipe, seriously, the pockets are the first place police look, every time. Every. Time.

Lesson 4: Giving police your last name and birth date, but the wrong first name, just makes you look silly as you wait in the back of the police car telling the police that no, you really do still have to pee.

Lesson 5: All mothers — even cold-hearted cop moms — think their kids are awesome. Aww.

Lesson 6: A large plastic coffee mug is a somewhat convincing prop in a "crackwhore" uniform for undercover officers — along with loose jean shorts, a black tank top and a 1986 power perm.

Lesson 7: It's a myth that if you ask a cop (dressed like a prostitute) if she's a cop, the cop has to tell you she's a cop.

Lesson 8: If you're negotiating cheap sex on the street and she's throwing in stuff for free, she's a cop.

Lesson 9: If 20 guys point guns at you a few seconds after you say the words "blow job," she's a cop.

Lesson 10: You can't get your $53 tab at IHOP comped if you put a hair in your food.

Lesson 11: You can spend $53 at IHOP.

Lesson 12: Hiding drugs in your vagina doesn't work.

Lesson 13: Officers working as prostitution decoys call each other "ho."

Lesson 14: If you see a hot blond detective with a scratchy, commanding voice (Andrea), and she's yelling at you to move behind the Ford Taurus, please, for the love of God, move behind the Ford Taurus.

(from New Times Broward-Palm Beach's The Juice blog)

arts@orlandoweekly.com

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