WE ID 


According to the Orlando Sentinel, the Florida Sheriffs Association wants the state to issue special licenses to some drivers identifying them as registered sexual predators. Civil-liberties experts are predictably wary of the idea, but if they knew about some of the other control measures the association plans to push for, their hearts would really leap out of their homes. Here's a sampling.

AUTOMOTIVE/TRANSPORTATION

Known predators will be forced to decorate their vehicles with identifying bumper stickers, including "Jacko happens," "Your honor student sounds like a fascinating young fellow indeed" and "How's my sodomizing? Dial 1-800-etc., etc."

Registered offenders will be restricted to driving Volkswagen bugs, which will conversely be off-limits to normal, healthy drivers. In this way, concerned citizens will always be privy to the all-important information that there's a diddler in the rearview. Parents will then have the opportunity to teach their kids life-saving safety measures via the fun and educational road-trip game "Touch Buggy!"

In all instances, sexual predators shall be encouraged to bypass standard automotive travel and take the train. A special Amtrak liner will be retained for this purpose. Christened "The Damnation Express," it will be subject to the same rigorous standards of safe, on-time operation that govern the company's regular trains.

Should the special "predator" ID cards fail to pass muster in the courts, the association will comply in every way with offenders' right to anonymity. Their driver's licenses will merely measure 3 feet by 5 feet and be made of triple-thick Carrara marble, which should prove inconvenient and conspicuous to no one.

BANKING/FINANCE

Predators will be issued special ATM cards that will guide them through a customized series of transaction options. The top screen will announce, "Welcome to SunTrust, you loathsome splash of human vomitus"; the machine will then refuse to perform withdrawals that suspiciously approximate the cost of a new PlayStation game. Worst of all, usage of ATMs located within 1,000 feet of a school zone will cost the predator $2 extra. The user will know his session is at an end when he sees the choices "Get your card back," "Purchase stamps" and "Castrate self with alternating current," complete with helpful arrows to the machine's exposed wiring.

CELL PHONES/COMMUNICATION

The convicted molester's ability to download ring tones will be limited to "Sex Crime" by The Eurythmics, the main-title theme from Powder and some of the more ludicrous and self-pitying sound bites from various R. Kelly interviews.

Concerned homeowners will be able to place their names on a "Do Not Call" list that blocks predators from making anonymous obscene calls during dinnertime.

LIBRARIES/LITERATURE

Following a trend established in Winter Park, unaccompanied children will be barred from the nonjuvenile sections of all Florida libraries, while the "children and young adults" racks will be off-limits to grown-ups who arrive without underage companions. Readers in the awkward "'tween" years are advised to chomp on a cigar as they pass through the lobby and start slouching when they hit the elevators. Predators who wish to keep abreast of exciting developments in the graphic-novel genre will have to cruise for escorts online, which is at least a great way to eliminate potential marks who fail to appreciate the miracle of reading.

Registered offenders will be restricted to the "true crime" section of Barnes & Noble on the day any new Harry Potter book is delivered.

The swiping of a predator's Borders discount card at point of purchase will set off a taped alarm alerting customers that there is a known sex criminal in their midst – and that he just paid full price to read the latest adventures of the Sweet Potato Queens. It will be up to them to determine which is worse.

SPORTS AND RECREATION

Fans whose personal materials identify them as predators will be refused entry to Orlando Magic games and immediately shunted into announcing positions instead. To set an example of tolerance, the Orlando Predators will continue to admit anybody who can recite the lyrics to "Titties and Beer."

TV/HOME ENTERTAINMENT

Thanks to the breakthrough of V-Chip technology, predators will be denied access to any programming that revolves around images of cute and vulnerable youngsters, including That's So Raven, Dora the Explorer and This Week With George Stephanopoulos. Necrophiliacs will still be allowed to watch old episodes of Dead Like Me, but only on VHS, which makes it harder to fast-forward to the good stuff.

For reasons as yet unclear, registered offenders will have to leave the room whenever a Bob Dance commercial comes on. (See Letters.)

HOUSING

The few neighborhoods that remain open to registered predators will enjoy the protection of toughened-up homeowners' associations, which will require sex offenders to simulate basic decency by keeping their lawns cut to a tidy, uniform length. And to do the work at 3 a.m. on alternating Tuesdays, when good and honest people stand less chance of running into them.

Predators involved in home-beautification projects will be forced to enter Home Depot wearing signs that announce, "I am looking to add a sun porch to my den of filth and degradation." They will be sold nails but no hammers, just for fun.

Billboards for housing developments in predator-friendly areas will read, "If you lived here, you'd be studying for the priesthood now."

MISCELLANEOUS SOCIAL INTERACTION

Given the propensity of urban nightlife "scenes" to attract the nubile and unwary, all possible effort will be made to keep predators away from the action. To eliminate temptation, DJ Baby Anne will become DJ Anne, and all-ages punk shows will be a forbidden zone to anyone old enough to remember the Tuff Darts. Sheriff's deputies will patrol club "trivia nights," on the lookout for players who know a little too much about J.M. Barrie. At all times and in every way, officers of the law will strive to prevent aged degenerates from pushing their sexual intentions on the helpless and immature.

Ladies under 21 will continue to drink free.

sschneider@orlandoweekly.com

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