"This family drama contains images of a fictional hurricane and its aftermath. Due to recent events, viewers may be sensitive to some of the following images."
– Disclaimer that preceded ABC-TV's Invasion, Sept. 21, 2005

So why not …

ATTENTION: The family-oriented drama Invasion contains brief images of a hypothetical hurricane and its aftermath. In light of certain recent developments, viewers may consider some of the following images to be borderline ironic.

WE REPEAT: The family-friendly drama Invasion contains passing suggestions of a possible hurricane – whose name just happens to end in "a" – and its entirely speculative aftermath. Due to the vagaries of the mob mentality, especially fragile viewers may find themselves mildly thrown by a few of the following images.

FINAL WARNING: The well-intended and utterly harmless family drama Invasion – winner of the Good Housekeeping seal of approval – contains a few veiled references to a fictional hurricane that just might have slammed into an imaginary Louisiana city, crippling a presidency and exposing the deep divide between our society's haves and have-nots. Due to scattered reports of a similar, real-world oopsie – which could not be confirmed by our news division – ridiculously delicate viewers who are undergoing treatment for drug-related hallucinations may experience slight déja vù over some of the following images.

And let's not forget …

WARNING: The otherwise innocuous family drama Surface contains images of a fictional tidal wave and its aftermath. Some of the following images may cause your goldfish to start swimming madly in a counterclockwise direction. Move the tank a minimum of five feet from your TV.

The following installment of FOX News Sunday contains images of a fictional presidency and its aftermath. Due to the disastrous events of the last five years, voters in less-than-total states of denial may be disturbed by some of the following propaganda.

TEN-HUT! The following red-blooded, all-American, meat-eating episode of E-Ring contains scenes of enforced relocation that may strike at the bleeding hearts of pussies like you.

TO ALL OUR CBS FAMILY: This morning's Early Show tribute to Katrina victims features Paul Anka performing Bon Jovi's "It's My Life." The segment may prove distressing to anyone who feels our nation has already suffered enough.

After extensive audience polling, NBC has decided to pre-empt this week's edition of Fear Factor, in which hurricane survivors were to fight each other mano a mano for canned goods. Instead, the Hooters girls will wrestle on a bed of soiled diapers.

Despite recent real-life tragedies, Access Hollywood host Pat O'Brien will still interview the cast of Desperate Housewives on tonight's program. He will be wearing a commemorative ribbon when he drunkenly asks one of them for a hummer.

Arriving on the heels of tonight's extended hurricane coverage, NBC's airing of The Day After Tomorrow should in no way be construed as a suggestion that the end times are upon us. Unless it pulls a 15 share or better in Utah.

TO OUR VIEWERS: Tom Terry's reading of tonight's Early Warning 9 Weather map may be slightly inaccurate, because of the huge boner that starts slapping him in the face whenever a tropical storm gets upgraded to a hurricane. We apologize to anyone whose weekend plans may be ruined without cause.

Tonight's premiere of Criminal Minds includes recurring, prolonged shots of Mandy Patinkin. Hurricane survivors, small children, aged pets and other viewers with weak stomachs may want to look away.

To avoid upsetting viewers who have lately developed a phobia of water, The Cartoon Network is removing Aquaman from Justice League Unlimited, relocating Jabberjaw the shark to Death Valley and putting the entire Adult Swim lineup on indefinite hiatus. In its place, we hope you will enjoy the classic animated feature Huckleberry Hound and the 7.1 Earthquake That Man-Raped San Francisco.

ABC regrets to announce that, due to some inexplicable child-welfare statutes currently on the books, it is unable to send any of the Supernanny kids on a one-way trip to Galveston. But keep those cards and letters coming.

This week's slate of CSI shows has more corpses than a Palm Beach County retirement home. Given recent events, our audience of morbidly fascinated mutilation junkies may want to opt for some maggot-free programming for a change. It could happen!

The WB deeply apologizes for the lack of a natural disaster that could pre-empt tonight's episode of Supernatural.

Out of respect for the dead, tonight's episode of Blue Collar Comedy will shy away from sensitive issues, like, who done warned all the Jews to get out of Biloxi?

In order to avoid an unwanted and unpleasant flash-flood connotation, this week's episode of Ghost Whisperer contains no scenes of Jennifer Love Hewitt in a moistened tank top. CBS apologizes for the total absence of any other reason to watch.

ESPN has decided to pre-empt tonight's previously announced programming to air a special tribute to victims of Hurricane Rita. We regret that we could not find a way to work in a single game of Texas Hold 'Em.

HEY, SWINGERS! Tonight's Cinemax Adult Classic contains footage of Peter North pounding Nina Hartley like a coastline. Hurricane evacuees whose wives weigh in at more than 250 pounds may want to fire up the VCR now.

SUBSCRIBER ALERT: Next week's HBO Original Movie concerns a disfigured Iraq-war veteran who comes home to a Southeastern town laid low by a Category 5 hurricane, only to find that members of a terrorist sleeper cell have joined forces with extraterrestrial abortion providers to keep his wife in a coma. We thank our viewers for understanding that no resemblance to real-world events is going to force the cancellation of this program, as these things just cost a shitload to produce.

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