There's a classic scene in "When Harry Met Sally" during which Harry fishes for info from the sexually uptight Sally about why she broke up with her last boyfriend, Sheldon. Harry suspects that it was because you can't possibly have great sex with someone named "Sheldon."
"'Do it to me, SHELDON, you're an animal SHELDON, ride me big SHELDON.' Doesn't work," Harry proclaims.
But Sally corrects him: The breakup was because of some days-of-the-week underpants.
"One day Sheldon says to me, 'You never wear "Sunday."' It's all suspicious -- Where was 'Sunday'? Where had I left 'Sunday'? And I told him, and he didn't believe me."
"What?" Harry asks.
"They don't make 'Sunday.'"
"Because of God."
Underpants have come a long way since Sally's day and are a bigger part of a person's individual expression than ever before. They reveal to those with whom we are most intimate exactly who we are, what we believe, what we stand for in this world -- and how big or bony our butts are.
Nowadays, thanks to the glory of Internet shopping, a plethora of undies abound to suit the needs of all religions, sexual orientations, political viewpoints -- you name it.
If "Sunday" underpants were once unavailable because of God, then God must have jumped on the capitalism bandwagon because "Loving Jesus" has taken on a whole new meaning in the wide world of underwear. The gift store for The Landover Baptist Church (www.landoverbaptist.org) produces "What Would Jesus Do?" thongs, featuring a handsome soft-focus image of Our Saviour ($11.99).
For, folks recovering from Post-Catholic Traumatic Stress Syndrome, the Adult Christianity (www.jesus21.com) store offers a wide variety of sacrilege with their "Prayer Panties" by Evanga-lingerie. "Gone fishing" thong underwear bearing the Jesus fish pointed upward, or sayings like, "Are you ready for the second coming?" will delight any blasphemer ($10.99 each). And what naughty Catholic girl could say "no" to a guy wearing boxer shorts bearing this excerpt from Psalm 23:4: " ... thy rod and thy staff they comfort me ... "
Women belonging to "alternative" religions (that is, religions not recognized by the Bush administration) will find spiritual solace at Wackyjac (www.wackyjac.com) with panties that say "Witch" or "Worship here" with a pentacle on the front ($13). Gals who prefer to align themselves with that handsome devil, the Prince of Darkness, will surely go for "Femme Demonica" panties that depict a little devil girl ($13).
Wackyjac also caters to environmentally conscious eaters with panties that say "Eat organic" under a picture of bright red cherries ($13). The same slogan is available on men's briefs, with the cherries replaced by a rather sizeable green pickle ($13).
Those who want to voice their dissent over our unelected president can get a pair of "That's my Bush!" thong undies which feature a goofy, clueless Dubya on the front, available from the gift shop at The White House (www.whitehouse.org). Fans of John Ashcroft, the man who draped velvet over the obscene bare titty of the sculpture of The Spirit of Justice in the Hall of Justice, can show their appreciation for his noble Christian services by wearing a pair of "Attorney General Asscrack" thongs, with a picture of him on the back that goes (you guessed it) up your asscrack.
Speaking of things that go up women's butts, there are still at least a few women out there who haven't had sex with Gene Simmons yet, so if you want to get the tongue-god's attention, try donning a pair of "KISS Army" thongs from House of Chaos (shop.store.yahoo.com/ubgear). Groupies with lower standards can purchase "Sepultura" undies instead.
Women who prefer women as opposed to hairy Jewish rock stars will gladly max out their credit cards at DykeTees (www.dyketees.com), which is a virtual lesbian and bi shopping mall. There's no shortage of rainbow and gay-pride gear, but items that really stand out are panties with retro clip-art women saying, "Hey mister, got a sister?" ($10.99) or women's boxers that say "Hello boys ... we've come for your wives" ($15.99). Any person, gay or straight, who wants to make a statement against pigeon-holing and stereotyping can do so with "Fuck Your Labels" thongs or boxers ($10.99, $15.99 respectively), which can also double as a statement against our designer-label obsessed culture.
Last but not least, from the "Disinformation" group who exposed mainstream-media lies in their book "You Are Being Lied To," come "Disinformation" undies. Put them on, stand in front of any mainstream-media outlet, drop your pants, and let them know that, like Dee Snider, you're not gonna take it anymore.
Yes, underpants have come a long way in the business of personal statements, making it the perfect time to throw away that T-shirt that says "God don't make no trash," or that baby-blue camisole that announces you're "Foxy." Underwear is where it's at, so show the ones closest to you the real you. Or at least show that creepy guy who lives across the street who watches you from his window while you dance half naked in your living room to Kylie Minogue.
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