THE WORST. TV WEEK. EVER. 


What the FAWK is up with TV this week? There we all were, having a great time in front of the tube, laughing at the sadistic shenanigans of Hell's Kitchen, sneering at the nerds of Beauty and the Geek, and becoming sexually aroused by the porkable bottom of Boomer in Battlestar Galactica. Clearly 2005 was shaping up as the best summer of TV yet! But suddenly everything changed, and now it's like waking from a beautiful dream to realize your adult diaper is full of crap!

Now looky here, TV! You think you can trot out the hot stuff in June and July and then decide, "Ooh-la-la! I think I'll slip into a bikini and take the rest of August off!"? Well, forget it! (Although if you want to wear the bikini for a couple of days, I guess that's all right.)

Look at the lineup of new shows debuting this week! I SAID, "LOOK AT IT!" It's a goddamn disgrace. My grandma could make better shows! And she's one bottle of pills away from the insane asylum. She dances the Charleston in her bloomers, drools incessantly and propositions the mailman, screaming, "C'mere, trouser snake! How about slipping Granny Hump a honey cooler right on the kisser? Hot-cha-cha! 23-Skidoooooooooo!" See? That's how bad your shows are this week. For example …

The Law Firm (NBC, 9 p.m. Thursday, July 28): From the creatively exhausted mind of producer David E. Kelley (Ally McBeal, The Practice) comes yet another revolting lawyer show – this time with actual revolting lawyers! The Law Firm is a reality show in which 12 shysters defend actual clients in an actual courtroom – and while justice may be served, the real perk is a $250,000 grand prize for the winning ambulance chaser! Who says lawyers are just a bunch of dishonest jerks looking for a buck? (Mmmmm … everybody?)

Meet Mister Mom (NBC, 8 p.m. Tuesday, Aug. 2): Hey misogynists! Here's a bizarre concept for a reality show: What if MEN were forced to do the housework instead of WOMEN? Yes, it's a recipe for hilarity when mom is sent on vacation, leaving bumbling dad to do "women's work." SEE! Stupid father trying to change a diaper. SEE! Dumbshit dad trying to decipher the washer and dryer. SEE! Mom beat the crap out of dad after he burns her steak. (Hey, that sounds like my parents!)

Trailer Fabulous (MTV, 10 p.m. Wednesday, Aug. 3): There's something deeply wrong with this one. Every week a team of hoity-toity designers provides makeovers to the denizens of trailer parks. And while the mobile "cribs" are being sufficiently "pimped," the families are given style lessons along with the latest trendy clothes to replace their T-shirts that read "Mustache Rides, 5 Cents." Then, after the designers have turned the trailer into a rolling Trump Tower, they depart – but not before leaving a sign to hang on their creation that says, "Please Rob Us."

Now see here, TV! We have another long, hot month to endure before the fall season, so enough lame shows! Get into your bikini and get to work! Wait … NO!! Not you, Grandma! The TV!!

23-Skidooooooo!
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, JULY 28
9 p.m. NBC THE LAW FIRM

Debut! Slimy real-life lawyers battle it out in the courtroom to make even more money. Not greedy at all.

9 p.m. FOX THE O.C.
Dook! Dook! Dook! Drunky Kirsten gets a good talkin'-to from teetotaling Sandy.

FRIDAY, JULY 29
8 p.m. FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

Catch up on this hilarious past season with four back-to-back episodes.

11 p.m. COM WEEKENDS AT THE D.L.
Debut! Comedian D.L. Hughley gets his own weekend talk show (presumably to make up for the MIA Dave Chappelle).

SATURDAY, JULY 30
9 p.m. SCIFI BLOODSUCKERS (Movie)

(2005) Astronaut commandos open up a can of intergalactic whup-ass on a gang of outer space vampires. Yee-HAW!

SUNDAY, JULY 31
10 p.m. TNT WANTED

Debut! Gary Cole leads a team of hot-shit cops who track down the crooks no one else can!

10 p.m. HBO ENTOURAGE
More Mandy Moore trouble for Vince, whose role in James Cameron's Aquaman hangs in the balance.

MONDAY, AUGUST 1
8 p.m. FOX HELL'S KITCHEN

Season finale! Chef Ramsay rewards the final contestant with his own restaurant, and tells him he's a fuckin' idiot.

8 p.m. ABC THE SIXTH SENSE (Movie)
(1999) Bruce Willis stars as a psychologist who learns that dead people are just as annoying as everyone else.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 2
8 p.m. NBC MEET MISTER MOM

Debut! It's Papa Potter versus Papa Smith in a competition to see who can be the most bumbling dad EVER!

10 p.m. COM RENO 911
Gay-themed hilarity ensues when the deputies are put in charge of guarding Liberace's piano.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 3
8 p.m. FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE?

Well? Do ya? Then c'mon! Why don't you bring it? Right here on the dance floor, pal! Check this out … hot-cha-cha! You just got SERVED!

10 p.m. FX OVER THERE
The troops are sent to guard a remote checkpoint to keep the Iraqis from escaping to safety. Yay, America!

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