Dear Janet Folger,
I just read in Newsweek about how you were inspired by former football player Reggie White, who caused such controversy by stating "homosexuality is a decision, not a race," to let people know they can change their sexual preference. Good call: If anyone would know about the complex DNA research on the nature of sexuality, it would be a football player.
It's wonderful that your group, the Center for Reclaiming America, and 13 other conservative outlets bought full-page ads in newspapers "standing for the truth that homosexuals can change." Disrespectful, Gladys Kravitz-like busy-bodying is exactly what we need to retain a petty, hostile edge at what otherwise might be a time of serenity. I'm sure if Jesus had a choice between helping those icky lepers and bitching about queers he would have done the latter, but they didn't have gay people back then (no decent margarita glasses). He was only half-human, for goodness sake. I'm sure you all are, too. Maybe that's why you've gone this route.
Change in the air
Anyway, enough of this shameless ass-kissing (though I'm sure it doesn't hurt!). Since you know how people can change their sexuality like it was a pair of socks, I am hoping you can turn me into a lesbian.
Being heterosexual hasn't done me a lick of good. In high school all the other kids at "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" were embracing their gaiety and I couldn't get the hang of it and had to settle for just being New Wave. This was hard on my psyche, and my hair, which turned into 30-pound test line after enough fuschia dye. My driver's license picture carried one of those warnings urging the pregnant and weak of heart to turn away. You can imagine what this did to my self-esteem.
It wasn't a bad childhood experience with women that caused my heterosexuality (although my mother did have a voice that, I'm convinced, scared Bigfoot into hiding). It sounds crazy, but I like men. Not all men, but as a group, the way you like grapes even if you get one that's slimy, rotten and won't get a job like the other grapes. I should hate 'em all because I don't understand them, an attitude I'm hoping you'll help me with. But their affability, their confidence, their voices when they speak softly, the promise contained in their big hands with those thick fingers and ... sorry. You can see my problem. Know how you hide the Twinkies from yourself because if they're available you'll not only eat them all, you'll lick the frosting off the wrapper, too? Their classic shape, springy texture and creamy ... sorry. Anyway, you can't play Hide-the-Twinkie forever; these Twinkies are half the population. So I hope to scotch them from the menu and become a dyke.
Being straight is problematic. If you're in a relationship long enough, everyone starts asking when you're going to get married. I buy plastic forks because I can't commit to a set of flatware. I don't need this kind of pressure. Traditional marriage is what causes divorce, a real roach-in-the-punch bowl to you conservative types. Then there's birth control. As a lesbian, you can have all the sex you want without that awkward "Wait a sec ... " and hoping that the mood, or the condom, isn't broken. Heterosexuality is the major cause of abortion; I would think you would want to strike this at the roots.
Actually, the best thing would be if you make me asexual. With that kind of free time I could probably get rich and contribute to conservative causes, which, as a sexless individual, I might better understand and cotton to. I have heard that being in a straight marriage long enough leads to an asexual lifestyle, but I just don't have that kind of time.
I hear some therapies attempt to change sexuality using shock treatments and drugs; after enough of that, someone could say you were in love with a toaster and you'd agree just so they'd let you go home (and with a new toaster!). You didn't need to show former queers John and Anne Paulk, who are now married and with a son, to convince me that a leopard can change its spots. I used to hate spinach, but now I like it just fine. Even species isn't a barrier to romance; look at the Springer show. Anyway, I already knew sexuality could be rechanneled. I myself have been able to transfer a great deal of affection from one human being onto objects that require AA batteries.
Anyway, I hope you will consider my request and that we can get to work on this lesbo thing very soon. I'm practicing, and though I'm having a hard time listening to the Indigo Girls, I'm sure enough shock treatments and drugs will help. Your ad featured Mrs. Paulk with the caption, "I'm living proof that Truth can set you free." Amen, honey. Truth is, being free to be who we are is a great thing. If you are free to help, I'd appreciate it.
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