The schlong remains the same 


As his many co-stars have learned, Ron Jeremy is a hard man to get ahold of. The notoriously endowed star of hundreds of adult movies isn't just a one-man shtupping machine. He's also a sought-after personality who dabbles in stand-up comedy, and a crossover actor whose cameo roles in mainstream films are gradually becoming more substantial. (Coming soon: "Spun," a drug comedy that stars Mickey Rourke.) Stated simply, he's a busy man. But you'd be popular too, if you had a nine-and-three-quarter-inch penis.

It took a week of missed messages and frantic calls to his publicist before we hooked up with Jeremy. When we did, we found him to be friendly, funny and a mile-a-minute self-promoter -- exactly the way he comes across in his filmed bio, "Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy" (out March 25 on VHS and DVD). What follows is a transcript of our conversation, edited for reasons of space and sanity.

Orlando Weekly: How did you get started doing stand-up?

Ron Jeremy: I did stand-up before I actually did porn. Way back, I did shows with Andrew "Dice" Clay when he was Andrew Silverstein. And also with Yakov Smirnoff. I was doing, like, the auditioning at The Comic Strip when Jerry Seinfeld was the MC. This was 20 years ago.

I got back into it a couple of years ago when they booked me in Las Vegas.

What's your show like?

Each club is different. I've hosted my own banana-eating contest or wet T-shirt contest. Or I show a film. I'll do a comedy act and introduce trailers from my documentary. We go with whatever the club will allow. We're not looking to break any laws.

The material is funny and it always goes over, but I keep it to the right length.

What sort of comedy is it?

A lot of it is about the porn business. I don't know what I can say in your paper ...

You can say just about anything.

OK. So one of my jokes, for example, is that `for` female porn stars, the business is not as great as you might think. Because women can never cancel for religious holidays. We just had Christmas last month. Imagine an actress trying to cancel a job for that: "Hey, listen, director. I can't do that eight-man interracial-anal-dwarf gang bang today, because Jesus was born."

That's great stuff. How come your pal Al "Grandpa Munster" Lewis says in "Porn Star" that it's the worst act in show business?

Ah, he's teasing. He's a joker. We're friends. I don't think he's ever seen my act. We hosted a show together at the Ponderosa, at a nudist camp.

How did you meet him?

I met him through `Screw publisher` Al Goldstein, who slams the crap out of me, also, in the documentary.

Yeah, well, he does it to everybody.

Of course. My standard answer is, he's jealous that my documentary got great reviews. It was nominated by the Chicago film critics for best documentary. It won two awards at Sundance, won awards all over the world, including Australia. And Al's all upset because his documentary, Screwed, was seen by five people. Probably all relatives. He's a great guy, though.

(After a few more minutes of banter, Jeremy receives a call on his other line from director Adam Rifkin, who cast him in the movies The Chase, Detroit Rock City and Night at the Golden Eagle. They briefly discuss another filmmaker, who shall remain nameless. "I think he's shot his load, don't you?" Jeremy asks Rifkin. I try my best not to contemplate the possibilities. Eventually, the interview resumes.)

How has the porn business changed over the years?

It's gotten more mainstream, because look who's involved now. They did that big special on that show recently ... Diane Sawyer? (Note: He refers to an episode of ABC-TV's Primetime Thursday that explored the "secret" financial connection between the adult industry and more above-board businesses.) It was a whopper. And it's true! We always knew this. The major companies, they'll always knock porn. They'll support political people who knock porn, want to end it, destroy it, finish it. Republicans have always done their best to try to put it out of business. But look at the hypocrisy. Father Bruce Ritter, one of the big executives on the Meese Commission, was kicked out of the ministry for feeling up little boys. And they found out that porno's bad? Yeah, right.

Look at this situation, with AT&T buying porn satellite channels like the Hot Network. And I think they also bought the Vivid Network. You look at Time-Warner, who owns hardcore cable. And Marriott and all the various hotels that show hardcore in their hotel rooms.

Marriott, by the way, stopped recently. They know they're going to lose money, but they did it anyway. Bill Marriott and all of the executives are Mormon. Their morals hurt them too much.

How long can you balance porn and "legitimate" film work?

My standard answer? Until I wake up one morning and find my penis under the pillow. I don't do that much porn anymore, but once in a while, I still do.

Pardon the pun, but what is it that keeps you coming back for more?

The money's still nice, and there's still beautiful women. If I was doing well enough in the mainstream, I would drop porn like a hot potato.

I hadn't realized until I saw "Porn Star" how much of your mainstream film work winds up on the cutting-room floor because executives are skittish about the adult connection.

It happened in "Ronin." If you look at the credits of "Ronin," you'll see my name, Ron Hyatt. They misspelled it Hiatt. Then John Frankenheimer put me in "Reindeer Games," and I got cut out of that one. It's a young-school-versus-old-school attitude.

What's your audience like today?

My audience is kids that watched me in 14 music videos on MTV -- the latest Moby one, the two Kid Rock ones, the Sublime one. They hear my name in songs written by both Sublime and Tommy Lee. That's what these kids know. Or "Orgazmo," which was a huge film amongst high-school and college kids because of the success of "South Park."

So my audience is a lot of young kids. And when these big executives from Hollywood, who are basically brainless, see me signing autographs, they're like, "Wow. Whaddaya know?"

What do you think is the essence of your appeal?

Uh, the average guy getting lucky. It's the average guy, with an average build, and a fairly big schlong.

But is that not where -- and I'm not speaking about me, of course -- but isn't that where the average-guy-identification thing kind of ends?

No, because I always try to create a character `that's` believable and fun. I try to make sex fun, uplifting. No one gets hurt. There's nothing mean. It's very middle-of-the-road.

The average looks, I think, also help. If you see the captain of the football team with a cheerleader, you expect it. If you see me with a cheerleader, it's like, "Goddamn! That's pretty cool."

Last question. What can you tell me about Kayla Kleevage I'd be really surprised to learn?

She's actually one of my favorites. She's great! Just a fun-lovin' kid. Really, truly likes sex. You get some girls who do, `and` some who do it for the money. She likes it.

She flew me to Houston to do a scene with me for her website. I did a scene with her, Kandi Cox and ... who's that Asian girl with the humongous boobies? Aah, I forgot her name. Goddamn it.

We all should have these problems.

Minka! That's it! Three girls in one day, gigantic boobies the size of my head. At the end of the day, I said, "I've died and gone to heaven. Life just gets no better than this." You know those three guys in the boat, fishing in the beer commercial? "Life just don't get no better than this?" Well, I want to change that. "Excuse me, guys. Get a load of these boobies. If that's as good as life gets for you, God bless you. I like fishing also. But life gets no better than that."


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