SWEEPS WEEPS 


Question: When did the world stop revolving around ME? Look, I'm no narcissist. From what I understand there are people with problems even more pressing than my own – but I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about ME. And from a philosophical perspective I'm not even sure any of you EXIST. For all I know, you and everyone else are just figments of my imagination, and I'm actually living in some Matrix-style comatose state with a cable plugged into my neck and my head shaved in some unattractive fashion.

Let's pretend for a moment you DO exist, and I'm not the only person worthy of attention on this planet. Ever get the feeling the networks are making programming decisions with no thought to what you might want? ME TOO. Right now we're smack dab in the middle of November "sweeps," when the networks supposedly trot out their most awesome stuff in an attempt to boost ratings and screw advertisers out of more dough. But here's the problem: There's a not a single awesome thing happening the entire month – and yet the networks are pretending this November's offerings are the greatest things since cocaine-covered candy apples!

Check out the title of this recent November sweeps press release issued by ABC (remember, this is the title, not the release itself): "ABC SWEEPS INTO NOVEMBER WITH JAM-PACKED ORIGINAL EPISODES OF SOME OF TELEVISION'S BIGGEST HITS (We find out what Kate did on Lost); THE AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS; A KENNY CHESNEY SPECIAL; BARBARA WALTERS PRESENTS HER 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE!"

What … the … fawwwwwwwk?? Did I just pop an aneurysm, or is ABC actually convinced this lineup is worth a poop? First of all, I'm currently so sick of Lost, I wouldn't care if Kate performed a free lap dance while feeding me chilidogs. (Not entirely true, but you get my point.) Secondly, "the American Music Awards" and a "Kenny Chesney Special"? Yeah, I might be interested in that – if I were a straw-chewing hillbilly with two teeth in my head and my penis deeply imbedded in my sister's bottom. Thirdly, Barbara Walters is a wet bag of diaper gravy.

The other networks are just as bad! This is from a CBS press release documenting what they call their "November sweep highlights": "Friday, Nov. 11 (9 p.m. ET/PT) THRESHOLD – When three women show signs of being infected, Molly (Carla Gugino) and the Red Team discover a chilling connection between them. Elizabeth Berkley (Showgirls) guest stars." WOW! Elizabeth Berkley guest stars? I guess Screech was too busy! (Please note Saved by the Bell reference.)

Now, I am a TV audience member, right? And the networks DO want money from their advertisers, correct? So can someone please tell me why the networks' "greatest month of television" is turning out to be less interesting than watching Paris Hilton reading aloud from the dictionary? Therefore, I demand that the world start revolving around ME again, and provide me with some TV I can get excited about! (For example, how about an episode of Threshold featuring Screech eating cocaine-covered candy apples while giving free lap dances?)

Send any e-mails revolving around ME to … steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, NOV. 10
8 p.m. FOX THE O.C.
That little bitch Taylor Townsend thinks she can steal Seth away from Summer? Commence catfight!

8 p.m. WB SMALLVILLE
After being exposed to silver kryptonite, Clark gets all paranoid. (When are they going to introduce "teal kryptonite" which makes Clark take off his pants?)

FRIDAY, NOV. 11
Noon LIF GOLDEN GIRLS MARATHON
Calling all Bea Arthur fetishists! It's 20 episodes of Golden Girls to celebrate the show's 20th anniversary!

9 p.m. TBS THE WIZARD OF OZ
(Movie, 1939) A witch's attempts to genetically cross a bird with a monkey go horribly awry.

SATURDAY, NOV. 12
7:30 p.m. TBS HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
You know, there are more pleasant ways for somebody to screw a Who.

SUNDAY, NOV. 13
8 p.m. NBC PENN & TELLER: OFF THE DEEP END
The magical duo make a submarine disappear, causing 200 sailors to drown.

9 p.m. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE IN THE '80s
A documentary exploration of the most tumultuous era of SNL including that idiot Joe Piscopo and Gumby, dammit!

MONDAY, NOV. 14
8 p.m. FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
George Sr. suspects Rita (Charlize Theron) is trying to steal Michael's money. WHICH SHE IS.

9 p.m. FOX PRISON BREAK
Everyone is shocked by the identity of Michael's conjugal visitor. Special guest star: Clyde, the orangutan.

TUESDAY, NOV. 15
8 p.m. UPN VIBE AWARDS
A celebration of all things hip-hop with Ciara, Ludacris, Pharrell and Young Jeezy.

8:30 p.m. NBC MY NAME IS EARL
Joy schedules her wedding on the same date as Earl's birthday, and then doesn't invite him! FEELINGS HURTER!

WEDNESDAY, NOV. 16
9 p.m. UPN VERONICA MARS
Veronica poses as a babysitter to nab a pair of creepy kidnappers.

9 p.m. ABC LOST
Finally! The first 48 days of the survivors of the tail section is revealed. Cannibalism alert!


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