SORRY, GOD (HAPPY?) 


Apparently, I'm an asshole. In last week's I Love Television™, I angered a lot of people when I hinted that God might be: (1) dumb, (2) gay, (3) sexist and (4) a hater of underpants and fun-bags. (I'm not going to repeat what I said. When you miss I Love Television™, you deserve every ounce of confusion and misery that's coming to you.) Anyway, I have since been inundated with emails (written in all-caps) from angry Christians casually suggesting that I should beg for God's bountiful mercy and forgiveness, and then take off my pants and walk backward into a rusty set of steak knives.

Now normally Iwould ridicule or ignore these screeds. However, it's becoming increasingly obvious that this God person has more fans than I do, and I'd better at least feign the appearance of being apologetic, or risk getting my ass kicked by a bunch of holier-than-thou, red-state rednecks. So, FINE. Listen up, because I'm only saying this once.

I am sooooooooo sorry for calling God a fag. Boo-hoo-hoo, what a baaaaaaaaaaad person I am. God's not dumb, He's sooooooooo SMART. Just look at the world around you; God is fawking BRILLIANT. Oh, and He's not sexist, either – because women in the Bible are treated with suuuuuuuuuch respect. God loves fun-bags, He loves underpants, and I'm a disrespectful, Satan-loving mealworm for daring to dispute the sheer AWESOMENESS of that bearded dictator-on-a-cloud, GOD. Satisfied everybody? Good, because I was being SARCASTIC. HAW! HAW! HAW! Gotcha, do-gooders! In actuality, I really can't stand God, He can't stand me, and so far that arrangement has worked out pretty good for both of us – so why don't all you Christian hillbilly hayseeds go back to your normal, everyday activities (i.e., corn-holing pigs behind the barn)?

WOW. That was really mean. OK, I admit it. I went too far that time, and I really apologize. No, really! I'm not being sarcastic this time! I'm truly sorry! Oh, great. Now they won't believe me and my e-mail will be clogged up with biblical rants for another week. OK – how about this? I will spend the rest of this column promoting the most Christian-y show of the week: ABC News Presents a Barbara Walters Special: Heaven –Where Is It? How Do We Get There? (ABC, 9 p.m. Tuesday, Dec. 20). Wha? Huh? NO, I'M NOT BEING SARCASTIC! That's the real title!

According to Walters, heaven is a "tewiffic" destination spot, and "evewybody" wants to go there. However, "is heaven simpwy a myth dweamed up to give lives meaning, or is it a weal pwace?" To help ABC News get to the bottom of this conundrum, Walters interviews such religious experts as the Dalai Lama, Catholic priests, Jewish rabbis, Islamic extremists, and … RICHARD GERE?? Jeez, in that case, why not interview Ashlee Fawking Simpson??

Sorry … that's sarcasm. Anyway, as a person who sincerely apologizes for accusing Christians of engaging in sexual congress with pigs, I invite all God-fearing people to enjoy this blatant attempt by ABC to boost their ratings by preying on the idiocy of a bunch of numbnut Jesus freaks. And I'm not being sarcastic.

E-mail your apologies to God via
steve@portlandmercury.com

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