SELECTIONS 


;Friday•8

;DJ Onionz and ;Patrick Turner

;;Schooled in Queens, DJ Onionz years ago described his beat mix as "Grandmaster Flash meets Frankie Knuckles and Sven Vath." If you recognize those names, you'll also be familiar with Baltimore's Patrick Turner, who's been behind the decks since he was 16 and is well-respected for his hard-charging ability to move bodies. Having forged their own individual paths into the electronic world, these veterans team up with top locals for one wild night of dancing abandon in celebration of tattoo artist Bill Gold's birthday. (with J Marley and Marc George, 10 p.m. at the Peacock Room; $5; 407-228-0048)

;;Saturday•9

;Lisa Lampanelli "William Shatner's ball bag is so low he has to hold it when he takes a shit," squawked Lisa Lampanelli at one of her higher-profile engagements: roasting 75-year-old Captain Kirk on Comedy Central this summer. And more nut-sack power to this middle-aged bigmouth whose routines shock, if not awe. One pearl necklace shy of Branson, Lampanelli's cheesy Queen-of-Mean (or, as her website boasts, "Cunt of Comedy") schtick carries a certain ageless, weightless appeal, one best appreciated by office workers squeezed into fuzzy tube tops and out for a night with the gals. Appropriately, Lampanelli is scratching the big time these days, popping up in the Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector movie and even igniting quiet interest in a television pilot starring, well, her. Crass, brash and well in line with the Sam Kinison school of "If it's loud, then it must be funny," Lampanelli makes us more confused and nervous than any underpaid secretary with a Tourette's-level affinity for "black cock" (one of her favorite on-stage shocker phrases) ever should. Lisa Lampanelli is horrible. Long live Lisa Lampanelli. (7 p.m. at Hard Rock Live; $27.75; 407-351-5483)

;;Purbayan Chatterjee and Shashank Not even 30 years old, both of these performers have established considerable reputations for the mastery of their respective instruments — the sitar for Purbayan Chatterjee, the flute for Shashank. While classical institutions of the West focus on prodigal talent, Indian classical music has fallen prey to championing the young and younger: Shashank gave his first concert performance when he was 11; Chatterjee, when he was 5. Just like the maturing talents of Western prodigies, what's most interesting about these musicians is watching where they take their skills after they've proven early mastery of the form. This concert, for instance, is unique in that it will find the duo collaborating, even though Chatterjee plays in the North Indian style and Shashank is a Southern boy. Sparks may not exactly fly, but it will doubtless be an invigorating concert. (7 p.m. at Tiedtke Concert Hall, Rollins College; $10; 407-333-3667)

;;Sunday•10

;Eternal Summer: The Art of Surf Culture Unlike Florida's climate, the Brevard museum's eternal summer is coming to a close. Sunday is the last day to catch this homespun exhibit, which was put together with help from Cocoa Beach's East Coast Surfing Hall of Fame Museum (ecsurfinghallandmuseum.org). Works by 18 local artists reflect their love of surfing and the beauty of their coastal communities. Along with traditional paintings and sculptures, actual surfboards are treated as art, and there's a demonstration on how surfboards are created. After taking in the visuals, considering heading to the beach to contemplate your own relationship to the surf. Or show up to the beach really early in the morning to watch the devotees who make surfing a way of life. (10 a.m.-5 p.m. Thursday-Saturday, 1 p.m.-5 p.m. Sunday, through Sept. 10, at the Brevard Museum of Art and Science, Melbourne; free-$5; 321-242-0737)

;;The Artwork of Grace Slick The retired Jefferson Airplane front-woman-turned-artist has several Florida connections in her bio. Back in the day Grace Slick studied art at the University of Miami, and after leaving her music career, her 2000 visual art debut took place in Fort Lauderdale. Otherwise, the rock & roll icon has been a California girl and still lives in Malibu. But she appears in person at the Wentworth Gallery at the Mall at Millenia along with her touring collection, which does indeed feature white rabbits and other Alice in Wonderland imagery. Most of the work on show is not as trippy as you might expect, considering her '60s preoccupations. Then again, Slick herself is in her late 60s. But there are a number of her understated self-nude drawings (starting at $1,200) and celebrity portraits (Jerry Garcia, Sting, Jim Morrison). A purchase of her work prior to the show (including noon-3 p.m. Sunday) comes with the bonus of a private audience with Slick. (4 p.m.-7 p.m. at Wentworth Gallery; free; 407-903-9055)

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;Tuesday•12

;Rainer Trüby Trüby is an example of the countless European drum & bass disciples who abandoned the form for the sweet, sweet sounds of nu-jazz and its peculiar blend of bland, fusion-esque funk, exotica-informed Afro-Latin rhythms and the precision of Muzak. Trüby — who performs both solo and with Trüby Trio — is an acknowledged music hound, always digging up rare and unknown cuts with which to delight his audience. Though the downtempo world in which he lives is rapidly descending into anonymity (like drum & bass a decade ago), Trüby manages to keep it interesting with his cut selection and inimitable style. It's been ages since there has been any new material from him or his trio, so this stop on a brief United States ;tour is a delicacy for beat-starved aficionados. (with DJ Flack; 10 p.m. at the Social; $10-$12; 407-246-1419)

;Wednesday•13

;Shakira and Wyclef Jean Wherever, whenever you wanted to hear "Hips Don't Lie" over the past six months, chances are your ears didn't have to travel far, or lie for that matter. The song is now officially the most played on American radio … EVER! To think that the ditty in question was never meant to be — never, except that it was already a Wyclef song on the Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights soundtrack. But when sales initially floundered after the release of Oral Fixation, Sony nervously pasted the mash-up onto a special Vol. 2 edition of the CD. So just sit back and enjoy the motivational torso of the Colombian powerhouse as it convulses, covered in oil, for your aesthetic and financial means. Say it with us, "Shakira, Shakira," then sleepily understand the hypnotic power of the music industry. Shakira = bait. Wyclef Jean = switch. Now you're getting it. (7:30 p.m. at TD Waterhouse Centre; $18.50-$74; 407-849-2020)

;;Into the Woods The Orlando-UCF Shakespeare Festival opens its 2006-2007 season with a musical comedy that posits the terrible reality that there is no such thing as "happily ever after." Into the Woods, the award-winning play based on the book by James Lapine, is filled with the song wonders of Stephen Sondheim. It picks up where fairy tales end and real life begins; we follow the progress of the familiar stories of Jack and his Beanstalk, Cinderella, Little Red Riding Hood, Rapunzel, the Baker and his Wife, and other assorted characters. Take advantage of half-price tickets for the preview performances Wednesday and Thursday. (7 p.m. Wednesday and Thursday, 8 p.m. Friday and Saturday, 2 p.m. Sunday, through Oct. 8, at the Lowndes Shakespeare Center; $15-$33; 407-447-1700)

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; Contributors: Jason Ferguson, Amber Foster, Billy Manes, Lindy T. Shepherd

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