I am a woman in my 20s and will soon be marrying my boyfriend of four years. While most things are great between us, we have one issue: group sex. He wants it, I don't.
After we met, my fiance brought up the idea of group sex, and when I agreed to see what it was like, he was very proactive about putting up a personal ad to meet other couples. We met a couple or two. While I was OK with the encounters at the time, a day or so after I was always kind of grossed out. He knows how I feel, but I think he keeps hoping that I'll change my mind. Likewise, I keep hoping that he'll lose interest at some point.
Part of the issue is that he spends a lot of time online, which has led him to believe that many people have group sex and that it is a relatively normal thing to do. At the time we met, I was portraying and thinking of myself as a wild bisexual, but have since proved myself to be anything but. I feel bad about "false advertising," but I feel that I have grown up and out of the need to explore my sexuality. I feel that I've found someone with whom I am completely happy and by whom I am completely sexually satisfied.
Every so often, he'll catch me at a time when I think that it won't be so bad, but after he's placed the ad, my pendulum has swung back in the opposite direction. I don't want to have sex with these people; I just want to have sex with him. At the same time, I want to want to have sex with these people. Do you think that there's any chance that it will ever happen?
Want To Want Group Sex
First off, WTWGS, let's be clear: Your fiance sought out group sex on the Internet because he was into group sex, rather than developing a thing for group sex after seeing how popular it was online.
As for how common group sex is in the real world, well, that's hard to say. If I had to hazard a guess I'd say it's more common than some might think and less common than some might like. Until the national census includes a "Do you swing/engage in group sex/swap partners" question, more reliable data is going to be hard to come by. But there is one hard number I can share with you: 100 percent of the men you're engaged to are into group sex.
But I don't need to tell you that, right? Your fiance made that quite clear to you all along. While it's wonderful that you've found someone by whom you're completely sexually satisfied, it's too bad your fiance can't say the same.
Which brings us to the false-advertising issue. He was upfront about his desires and his need to be with someone who was as sexually adventurous as he is. (He deserves credit for that; some men would have married you first and asked questions about group sex later.) You presented yourself to him as the sexually adventurous girl he had been looking for — the woman who, if she didn't quite share his passion for group sex, was at least open to it. If you're not that kind of woman — or not that kind of woman anymore — you need to spell that out before the wedding. If marrying you means never having group sex again, he needs to know that now. He may counter with, "But being with me means having group sex!" If things reach that impasse, then perhaps you shouldn't marry each other.
As for learning to want it, well, there's one way to do that: Will yourself to get over those grossed-out feelings. You may be done exploring, but the man you love may never be done exploring. Go along with him on his explorations, and learn to love his kinks as much as you love him. And if that's simply not possible — and I'm not saying it would be easy or even advisable — then, well, reread the previous paragraph.
I am a 21-year-old man in a two-year relationship with a 20-year-old girl. Up until three or four months ago we had a very healthy sex life. Now we barely have sex. She claims that it's not that she doesn't want me, but every time I come on to her or mention doing anything sexual, even just making out, she declines. She's tired or needs to study. She says stuff like, "We will do it tomorrow morning/tonight/when we get back from the store," but when the time comes she has no interest.
I don't know if she's just no longer sexually interested in me or what. I know that she loves me, and she tells me she thinks I'm very attractive. I love her very much and don't want to lose her over this, but I can feel it already coming between us.
Hopeless And Konfused
She isn't into you anymore, she's seeing someone else, or she isn't into you anymore and she's seeing someone else. Why doesn't she dump you? Because she's trying to let you down easy. Your girlfriend doesn't realize that a long, drawn-out period of constant low-level rejection only makes the ultimate pain of total rejection worse.
It's a mistake that a lot of people make when they're young and stupid: We worry that the lover we want to be rid of will be devastated when we leave, so we string 'em along, making ourselves less available to them, in a futile attempt to gradually wean them from our irreplaceable selves. When we finally do get around to dumping them, the hurt of being broken up with is compounded by the humiliation of having been made a fool of.
In other words, HAK, it's over. Your girlfriend doesn't have the decency to end it honestly, but you can have the self-respect to end it firstname.lastname@example.org
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