SAVAGE LOVE 


My boyfriend has a lower libido than I do. For a variety of reasons, I will not DTMFA. We no longer argue about this, but I do feel a bit lonesome for the type of physical contact he won't provide.

I have a couple of male friends who would happily do the things that my boyfriend isn't interested in doing. I have discussed this idea with my boyfriend, but he is resistant. I'm just looking for him to OK a shortlist of people we know, so that I have somewhere to turn during the months-long periods when he has no sex drive. How can I convince him?

Playing Allowed Looks Sweet

We'll get to your issues in a moment, PALS, but first an issue of my own: I've been abusing DTMFA letters of late — that is, I've been using a lot of questions from readers who need to "dump the motherfucker already." As I've pointed out in past columns, letters from people who need to DTMFA account for more than half the mail advice professionals like myself receive. If we aren't careful, DTMFA letters can dominate our advice columns, making them monotonous.

In my defense, gentle reader, while I may be too quick to issue DTMFA orders, far too many of my colleagues go out of their way to avoid telling their readers to DTMFA. Confronted with a marriage damaged beyond repair, other advice professionals offer up soothing platitudes and inspire false hopes. They do this because most of my colleagues share an idealized reverence for the institution of marriage and fear calling for the end of any marriage, no matter how fatal its flaws. "Seek counseling," they'll say, in a futile attempt to salvage the unsalvageable.

While I never make the mistake of attempting to salvage the unsalvageable, my carelessness of late has led to too little relationship-salvaging advice appearing in this space. So for the next few weeks I intend to help couples work through their issues in this space, not just order them to part.

OK, PALS, I was on your side until "I'm looking for him to OK a shortlist of people we know." So long as your shortlist includes mutual friends, your boyfriend can't OK this arrangement without feeling utterly humiliated. If he gives you permission to sleep with mutual friends, then his friends will know that he's sexually inadequate, and he'll know that they know, and they'll know that he knows that they know. Can you see how he might have a problem with that?

The only way to get him to agree to your getting a little on the side is to ask for permission to get your needs met elsewhere once in a while — and to promise him that you will only mess around with friends drawn exclusively from your social orbit. No mutuals, none of his friends. Make him that promise, PALS, even if you don't intend to keep it.

i am a 22 yr old man that thought i would be happy with my wife for the wrest of my life, but after a year of cheeting on my wife with her own mom, i am in love with her mom. she is 44 but she has the experience and beauty. we go wild in bed makin love for hours and she swollows which turns me like crazely. i dont want to be with my wife no more. what should i do?

Marreed Man

This helpful shit is harder than I thought. But here goes: A husband should be able to discuss anything with his wife; his deepest secrets, his innermost thoughts, his fondest hopes for the future. When a man can't tell his wife that his hopes for the future include a lot more oral sex from her mom, then something is wrong. Your marriage could be in trouble. I urge you to seek counseling.

I'm a man with a wonderful girlfriend. The other night I commented how lucky I am to get such great head all the time. She said I was lucky, considering I almost never go down on her, and when I do it's not for very long. It was true. I've been an asshole. The next time we got into it I ended up going down on her for a long time and she told me it was the best I'd ever done. Everything's fine, right? Wrong.

My bottom-row front teeth are just a tiny bit crooked and one of them scraped the shit out of the little flap of skin along the bottom of my tongue while I ate her out. The pain was excruciating. Is this common? Should I try to develop a callus?

Sad, Confused, Raw, Amateur Pussy Eater

I read somewhere once that you can get that little flap of skin snipped — I would Google it for you, SCRAPE, but I'm sitting in a bar that doesn't have Internet access. So Google it yourself, OK?

I was appalled by the advice you gave LIFE, the man sleeping with a woman in an abusive marriage. You told him to run, and doubted the woman's claims of abuse, calling them "too perfectly monstrous." Discrediting the victim probably made all abused women who read your column recall the times they were called liars. You should not perpetuate the idea that abused women are lying and that abusive husbands really aren't capable of harming someone that much.

R.

I never intended to deny the reality of domestic violence, R. I advised LIFE to check out the part of the story that was verifiable: Her claim that her husband had once been prosecuted for rape. People do lie, as I'm sure you know. And women are people, as I'm sure you'd agree.

mail@savagelove.net

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