SAVAGE LOVE 


;I met a guy through a BDSM chatroom. It seemed like the perfect no-risk adventure sex — he's dom, I'm sub; he's sexy as all get-out, I'm fat in all the places he likes girls to be fat. So we hook up. But instead of the one-time adventure I was expecting, we hook up again and again. We talk for hours on the phone and hang out naked watching TV and eating Chinese food. It's been a couple of months now, and I really like this guy. Usually "dom" guys are not people I would want to spend five minutes with outside of the bedroom. But we seem to go effortlessly from friends and equals to mind-shatteringly orgasmic power-exchange fucking, which always seems to end up sweet and slow and feeling a lot more like lovemaking.

;

; Should I just let things be good and enjoy it and see where it goes? Or should there be an official "this is now a relationship and I am opening myself up to the possibility of a future with you" discussion? I am just so terrified of being dismissed as a potential partner because of the way we met. What if men (or at least this man) can have not just casual sex without feeling attached, but also casual naked Chinese without feeling attached — as long as they have already classified the woman in their head as a fantasy-fulfillment booty call?

;

;Sex Crazed Adventures Rarely Evolve Development

;

;If you want to scare this boy off, SCARED, then sit his ass down for an Official Discussion (OD) and unilaterally upgrade this thing from fantasy-fulfillment booty calls to Serious Relationship. No one — men, women, gay, straight, kinky, vanilla — likes to be informed that they are now, like it or not, and without any prior consultation, entangled in a Very Serious Relationship.

;

;Even if this boy is open to getting serious, eight weeks is way too soon for an OD. Badly handled, your OD could put him on the defensive and make him view any future fuck sessions as some sort of implied commitment, one that he may not be ready to make. It that happens, you can say goodbye to both the fuck sessions and the possibility of a future.

;

;However, you should let him know how you're feeling, and you can do it without tossing down lightning bolts. Try something truthful but less thunderclappy, something like: "I'm totally digging you as a dom, which I expected after our chats, and also as a person, which I totally didn't expect. I hope we can keep on fucking and hanging out." He'll catch your drift, I guarantee you, and he'll appreciate your ability to let things develop naturally. Then chill the fuck out, enjoy the sex and the Chinese and see where it goes.

;

;Finally, if this guy is the type who would dismiss you as a potential partner because of how you met, well, you really can't do anything about that. It would be extremely foolish for him to dismiss you for that reason, though. It's rare for a truly kinky person to meet someone with whom he's sexually and emotionally compatible. (Am I right, kink-sters?) If this dom boy has any sense at all, he's already picturing a future with you.

;

;

;;I'm a hot 100 percent straight guy. My girlfriend took me to a gay bar, and this good-looking femme boy started coming on to me. My girlfriend asked me to make out with him because she thought it would be hot. Long story short: He came back to her place with us where he blew me while I ate out the girlfriend, stroked me after I put the condom on and in general did everything he could to keep me rock-hard. Then I fucked the hell out of my girl while he licked my balls and ass. I never came so hard in my life. I thought I was going to shoot a few vertebrae right out of my dick. I want to do this again, my girlfriend wants to do this again and my personal fluffer wants to do this again. No real problem here, Dan, but do you think I should turn in my straight-guy card now?

;;Boy Into New Orgasmic Ways

;;No, BINOW, I don't think you should turn in your straight-guy card — but only because this scenario will be a lot less horny for your personal fluffer if you start identifying as bi. I would have to turn in my fag card if I ruined this for him. So you can keep telling your fluffer you're 100 percent straight, he can keep pretending to believe you and your girlfriend can keep enjoying the show. You don't have to thank me — just send some video.

;;

;

;;I'm a 21-year-old straight woman. My problem is that I never come during sex. My boyfriend gets frustrated and takes it personally. The only time I ever have an orgasm is while using a vibrator or a faucet — it;doesn't even happen when I play with myself manually.

;

;;Feeling Unbecoming

;;Most women — the best estimates put it at 75 percent — can't come from vaginal intercourse alone, and a large number of women can't come from manual stimulation alone either. We've covered this before, but it bears repeating: Lots of women need focused, intense, direct clitoral stimulation — the kind of buzz you get from your vibrator and faucet. The sooner you accept that your body needs those extra boosts — and the sooner you incorporate them into your lovemaking — the sooner you'll start coming during sex.

;

;Here's what you do: While your boyfriend fucks you, go at yourself with your vibrator. Show him how you get yourself off. Then once he's seen how it's done, hand him the vibrator and tell him he can be a baby and sulk about it, or be a man and get the job done.

; mail@savagelove.net

Speaking of Columns

Latest in Savage Love

More by Dan Savage

Readers also liked…

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Calendar

© 2016 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation