SAVAGE LOVE 


I was recently seeing an alpha-male type — Ivy League grad, big executive, loud laugh, etc. He found me on a website, one thing led to another, and he was showing me pictures of him in his ex-girlfriend's panties!

The first of many coffee dates ended with me putting my hand down the back of his pants and feeling a silky thong! We made plans. Girly Boy stood me up! A couple of times! I got annoyed, but I put up with it because his apologetic e-mails were so abject — and filled with new dirty pictures. We eventually planned a whole Sunday afternoon of him cleaning my house, me putting makeup on him, and a grand finale of him eating me out on the couch. He stood me up again!

I gave him my FAVORITE black thong and push-up bra at our last coffee date. He then supplied me with a hot selection of pics that got me very excited for Sunday fun. But Sunday fun never happened! He didn't even call! I KNOW he's parading around in them and thinking, "I won!" Typical alpha male! How do I get my panties back?

Lost My Favorite Panties

By threatening to create a YouTube slideshow using the pics Alpha Male already sent you, or by threatening to e-mail the pics to everybody@hisplaceofemployment.com. Not that you should do it, but his willingness to mess with your head — all those twat-teasing e-mails, all those flirty coffee meetings, all those dates for play that he broke — gives you carte blanche to mess with his head.

I'm a bisexual woman married to a wonderful man. However, his father is a homophobic asshole. For seven years, I've bitten my tongue, but recently, in an e-mail, I asked my father-in-law to be a bit more sensitive as I am bisexual. He asked my husband whether he knew that I was "gay before we got married" and denied that bisexuality even exists. My father-in-law also feels that I was trying to "censor" him. This is having a really negative effect, bringing up the shame I felt when I first came to terms with my sexuality. I know that I need to distance myself. My husband is supportive. But how do I protect myself and still be a part of this family? I was a self-confident, GGG, kinky nympho, and now I'm really insecure and I cry each time I try to have sex. How do I get over these feelings?

I Hate My Father-In-Law

One asshole relative managed to unravel your self-confidence, destroy your sex life and turn you into a weepy bag of slop? Toughen the fuck up, IHMFIL. There's an anti-gay pogrom underway in Poland, homos are being executed in Iran and gay men and women are being lynched in Jamaica. You've got one asshole relative and you're melting into a puddle? Please.

Focus on your wonderfully supportive husband, your non-asshole relatives, remind yourself that it could be worse and give your father-in-law a chance to come around. Most asshole relatives do.

In the meantime, make up your mind to stop being ridiculous. After putting up with your father-in-law's shit for seven years, you had a right to say, "I'm bisexual, and I don't appreciate your hateful, bigoted statements about queers. Knock it the fuck off." But if your self-esteem is so fragile that anything less than an instantaneous 180 on your father-in-law's part was going to utterly destroy you, then you should have kept your mouth shut.

You told 17-year-old LAFFS not to fuck his father's new wife because of the problems it would create between him and his father, should his father find out. But then you advised SLINORLA, a married man, to do what he knows would upset his wife — masturbate while his lesbian avatar has sex with female avatars in Second Life — which would potentially create problems in his marriage, should his wife find out. Explain.

Where's The Consistency?

Consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds — and lesser advice columnists. But I shall attempt to justify my seemingly contradictory advice:

The odds of LAFFS' father discovering his wife's infidelity and his son's perfidy — and their mutual … what? step-incest? — is much higher and the consequences infinitely graver. Once they start fucking, Dad is likely to pick up on changes in the way stepmother and stepson behave around each other. The emotional dynamics of their relationship will be so altered — how calm, cool and collected would you have been at 17 if you were fucking your father's wife? — that he would have to be dead not to twig.

SLINORLA, on the other hand, isn't having interactions with Second Life avatars in front of his wife on a daily basis. His "betrayal" is much closer to porn consumption than adultery. Men who have promised to stop looking at porn get caught looking at porn every day. And what happens? A new promise is extracted and things return to normal, i.e., he goes back to looking at porn but is more careful about concealing it; she goes back to pretending that her husband doesn't look at porn but appreciates his renewed efforts not to get caught. SLINORLA will be in trouble if he gets caught, not in divorce court.

The same can't be said of LAFFS. If he starts fucking his stepmother and his father finds out, it will not only be the end of his father's marriage but also result in a lifelong estrangement. For LAFFS, the wrong is more wrong, the chance of discovery greater and the consequences more devastating. So the advice is different.


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