SAVAGE LOVE 


You neglect generic guy/girl/girl threesomes. My friends talk about these threesomes all the time, ’cause they’re the “Holy Grail” of sex for us straight guys. Here are some of our questions:

  1. What is up with threesomes?
  2. How do I arrange a threesome?
  3. How do I get my girl to agree to a threesome, ’cause she said “No way,” but I still want to experience two girls at once before I die?
    Okay, No. 3 is a real question from me. And here’s a follow-up:
  4. Is it okay to cheat to fulfill this need?

Seeking Holy Ass Grail

I’ve neglected threesomes ’cause they’re about as controversial as brunch plans for us gay guys, SHAG. What can I say? Gays are discriminated against, damned to hell, and always seated next to distant gay relatives at Thanksgiving with whom we have nothing whatsoever in common save the cock-sucking thing. Then again, we can get out of the Army by posting a little self-made porn to Xtube.com, and for every straight couple out there arguing about threesomes, there are 10 gay couples having them.

So you’re right. Just because -gay guys can have threesomes pretty much whenever we like – hey, it was either spit-roast that distant gay relative or listen to him talk about his remodel all night long – that doesn’t mean I should neglect the minefield that is straight three-ways.

Threesomes are undoubtedly the new ‘Holy Grail’ of sex,” says Vicki Vantoch, author of The Threesome Handbook: A Practical Guide to Sleeping with Three (Thunder’s Mouth Press). “Most people have either had a three-way or thought about it. Yes, even women. A recent ABC poll ranked threesomes as the most popular fantasy in America.” (Outside of America, of course, the most popular fantasy begins with at least one engine falling off of Air Force One.)

If SHAG’s girlfriend is game,” says Vicki, “he has to recruit a third. He can meet tri-curious women just about everywhere. (One couple I interviewed gets it on with their kid’s kindergarten teacher.) But until he masters the three-way pickup, SHAG might want to try some of the easier meeting spots: Internet personals – including alternative lifestyle personals, polyamory events/personals or erotic parties.”

And if his girlfriend isn’t game?

Try exploring threesome fantasies in the bedroom,” advises Vicki. “His girlfriend may develop a positive association between threesomes and orgasms.” That or she’ll dump your ass – but, hey, no risk, no getting rimmed and blown at the same time. “He might also break out some threesome-centric films: think Summer Lovers or Henry & June. If SHAG paves the way patiently, his girlfriend might discover her own three-way turn-on.”

Assuming that happens before you die of old age, you can now broach the subject outside the bedroom. “He should bring it up when his relationship feels solid and satisfying – not when they’re bored or annoyed with each other,” Vicki adds.

As for cheating, Vicki is against it. “Cheating is cheating,” she says. “I’m guessing SHAG’s girlfriend wouldn’t be more forgiving because he cheated on her with two women, instead of just one.”

I’ve been with my loving, adventurous, kind boyfriend for two years. In the beginning, I was honest about having been in a few threesomes. He was turned on by the idea and initially I encouraged him. However, as we became more emotionally involved, I decided that I couldn’t share him. When I told him this, we got into a huge fight. He feels that he’s missing out because we have a good, healthy, loving, stable relationship. He won’t let the issue go. The most I can honestly tell him is that, should the circumstances be exactly right, then maybe. I feel like his rehashing of the subject just upsets me and gets us nowhere. How do I tell him that he’s not missing out on anything, I didn’t lie to him but justifiably changed my mind, and please, darling, shut the fuck up.

Love Obligates Sexual Exclusiveness

Telling your boyfriend he’s not missing out isn’t going to dampen his enthusiasm,” says Vicki. “Plus, it’s not true – he is missing out on threesomes, which are hot!” Threesomes aren’t for everybody, of course, “but if you really love this guy, it may be worth exploring your threesome-blocking hangups.” So what does Vicki think you should you do? “Tell your boyfriend that you understand his desire to have a threesome, but you need time. Agree to revisit the discussion in three months – if he stops pushing.”

Hm. It seems pretty clear to me that LOSE has no intention of having a three-way with her boyfriend today, three months from now, or ever. So telling the boyfriend it might happen if he could only shut up about it for a while seems a bit dishonest.

Hey, LOSE? You know who needs to shut the fuck up? You do. You made your boyfriend a promise, you backed out, and he has a right to feel misled. For that, you owe him an apology. Are you obligated to have a three-way now? No, of course not. But you are obligated to cease misleading him. So stop feeding him bullshit. If being with you means never having a threesome, you need to tell him that now so he can decide whether he wants to be with you at all.

I get a shitload of e-mail from folks – OK, mostly straight guys – who were promised regular oral, three-ways, bi action, etc., during courtships only to be told, once they’d committed, that “love” nullified all those tantalizing offers. That sexual bait-and-switch destroys relationships, LOSE – even good, healthy, loving, stable relationships.

mail@savagelove.net

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